Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Just so you know, I wrote a blog this evening and somehow, it was RIPPED from my grasp and eaten by the Internet. I am very bitter and will need therapy. I wasn't able to save it, so I'll have to start over....it's about going to the gynecologist today and I am NOT going to miss writing about that one. Damned Internet.....

Sunday, May 28, 2006

A Blog for Republican Tim Simms
Ah, it's a holiday and that means...the wife has me staining the deck. Yuck. It's still better than last Memorial Day when she had me painting the entire interior of over half the house...

Today's Rockford Register Star, the local rag (of which I do appreciate and like and I dig the new printing press) boasted a cover story about blogs in the stateline area. My favorite quote in the May 28th article, as spoken by Scott Richert, was: A lot of what appears in the blogosphere is infantile..." Hey, has he been reading my blog again? I'm about as infantile as it gets in the blog world. Thanks, Mr. Richert, I'm glad you're a fan! My second favorite quote, as spoken by Tim Simms (Winnebago County Board Member), was: "What you get from blogs is worth exactly what you pay for it--nothing." Crabby, crabby. Tim, where's your sense of humor? Do you really want to read only about politics and such? What about poop? If I won't write about it, who will?

The article, as you can see, inspired me to write a politically-focused blog. I choose to dedicate it to Mr. Simms, for no other reason that I can then say it was exactly worth nothing to write about him. (I bet Trent Lott wouldn't be saying anything like that, timmy-poo. Look what kind of trouble those blogs out there got him into. Can you say unemployed?)

To my usual readers, I apologize for the political babbling I will now subject you to. I'll get back to being infantile as soon as I'm done frothing at the mouth.

The United Way in our town no longer has an agenda other than Michael Call's agenda. Why give money to service providers like Family Counseling Services or Center of Hope when you can fund your own right-wing agenda? I beg you: DO NOT GIVE YOUR MONEY DIRECTLY TO THE UNITED WAY! GIVE IT DIRECTLY TO THE AGENCY YOU WANT TO SUPPORT!!! Here in town, your UW money will go to religious organizations and things that support the "traditional family." Poo on you non-traditional families--you should have stayed married and had a plethora of children and gone to church more often. Begging, I'm begging: give directly to agencies. Rockford Sexual Assault, Family Counseling Center, CONTACT....they all will gladly take your money and won't have some secret Michael Call agenda attached to it. They'll use the funds to provide needed services. (Wow. This is sounding very political, don't you think, Mr. Simms?)

Our community doesn't have a 708 fund. For you not in the know, that's county funds for serving people like the mentally ill. We should be embarrassed to be the only two counties in the ENTIRE state not to have a 708 Board. Shame! Shame! No, instead, we have a mayor who wants to make sure all the mentally ill are shipped out of the downtown area. What kind of moron has that kind of thinking? Hizzonor wants the downtown to be upscale for upscale people like him--we can't have any mentally ill or homeless people messing up his nights on the town. Thank god for people like Dave Syverson, who is a champion for the mentally ill. He's a Republican that I can love. (Larry IS cute, don't you think? I like his look, I like that he's an Independent but I can't say much more.....)

Don't even get me started on the Governor (sorry, Allan). I go to work every day not knowing if I have a job or not because the Governor is busy not paying Medicaid bills and placing caps on those much needed services for the mentally ill. Hey, do you know any doctors that have funding caps? I didn't think so. Do you know of any hospital with Medicaid Caps? No, I didn't think so. Why does the mentally ill provider have caps? Is that even legal? Do you really want the chronically mentally ill living on the Governor Mansion property? Where do you think they are going to go if you keep cutting all the funds? Maybe you and the Mayor can get together and ship them to Wisconsin or something....

I will not say one word about the President. Not one word.....ggggggrrrrrrrooooowwwwwwlllllll! (Is that one word?)

Don't get me started on how I haven't gotten a raise in years because our agency can't even pay our bills due to the funding woes. It sucks to watch all the politicians give themselves big fat raise after raise when we don't even get one lousy percent. No wonder I have to do blogs--they're FREE.
(A question for RRS editorial readers: Does Bob Ham have a blog? He should. He could spew all his angry yipping there--for FREE--every day instead of once a month! I love that guy. I know he hates me and my bleeding-heart-liberal- not appreciative-of-soldiers'-sacrifices-for-freedom beliefs..)

There. I have now written my political blog for Tim Simms and the rest of the Illinois Political world. I'd much rather write about poop and the dogs and eating brocolli and having to stain the deck and enjoying a frappacino for breakfast. I'm sure I'll have yet another politic-inspried moment or two, but until then, bring on the poop!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

McYoga, McInjury and MciPod

It was bound to happen--all that McYoga led to a McInjury. One too many "knees to chest" and I found myself unable to get off the floor. 

Don't worry--it's only a minor back injury and I'm sure my McInjury will heal before you can list all the Big Mac ingredients. 
 
Here's a photo of Freckles practicing McBalance. It takes talent to sleep on top of three stacked pillows. (This is how she peeks out the stained glass window. The wife and I designed this unusual set-up so the dog would stop jumping on the stained glass. Now, she just sleeps there. Ommm...

Good news is that the McInjury gives me plenty of time to listen to my new Dixie Chicks album, "Not Ready to Make Nice." I wouldn't make nice, if I were them. Piss on being nice. It's an awesome album but a ton of people won't be hearing it because they think the Chicks are too outspoken or too honest or too loudmouthed or to confrontive or too anti-good-ol'-boy or too bitchy. Stupid radio stations are boycotting them. The Chicks owe no one an apology. Does anyone make Bruce Springstein apology for his songs? His statements? No. I think you should all go out and buy a copy of this album because it's really good AND then you won't have to miss them on the radio and you can piss off all those good-ol'-boys. I am all for them being outspoken rebels, so I might be a wee bit biased....But, it's the music that rocks, so good for them and good for you if you go buy a copy.


As for work, a head honcho at my place of employment decided a croquet league was needed for our chronically mentally ill clients. I know you're thinking: "Uh, do you really want to give a bunch of mentally ill people a bunch of wooden mallets, metal wickets and rock-hard projectiles?" People, they're mentally ill, not drunk or psycho mass murders! (You are probably also thinking, "gosh, I didn't know the chronically mentally ill would want to play croquet. To be honest, I'm not sure that they do. We'll find out. ) Why the boss man is hot for croquet, I don't know, but at least it's free and cheap.

I know NOTHING about croquet. When we were kids, we would do things like pin each other to the ground using the wickets (not a good idea, so don't try it the next time you are drunk--you might poke an eye out) or we'd just whomp on the balls all over the lawn. Who knew there were actual rules to this lawn game? There are like a ZILLION rules to croquet and I can't decipher a one of them. 

So, the wife says, "I'll help you with the croquet league." I take this to mean she is a professional croquet player and knows all about the game and is volunteering to be a croquet consultant for my soon-to-be-designed league. Heck, she's a PE major--didn't they have to have a croquet final sometime in her schooling? What she really meant was "I don't know a thing about croquet but I am willing to help out." 

That's a much different thing than what I was thinking and thus many an argument has now occurred. Over croquet. We're arguing over croquet. How dumb is that?

I went to Barnes and Noble thinking there would be a book on "Croquet for Dummies," but no such thing exists. (Hey, maybe that's how I could make some extra cash--write a book about croquet for morons.) We were stuck with the Internet, and while we gleaned tons of info, we couldn't understand any of it. Do we want to play six or nine wicket? One ball or two ball? International rules, Australian Rules, American Rules? Geez, we just want the clients to have something to do. My McInjury hurts when I think about all this. I finally found a site that explained croquet for elementary students in Australia. At least I could decipher that one.

Just so you know, the wife resigned from helping with the croquet league.

While learning about croquet and as I'm recovering from my McInjury, MJagger had this awesome (and kind of creepy in a oujiu oujiu way) thing happen to her yesterday. I swear this is true, as I was a direct witness. 

MJagger fried out her iPod this week.  When it says "Do not disconnect," you should NOT disconnect it from the computer. That fried-out-now-not-working iPod has been a stressful mess for her. It's consumed many a moment. There have been a lot of swear words directed to that iPod. 

Being a nerd and a well-meaning friend, I took a look at that poor puppy. After several minutes I realized, yup, this thing is fried. I didn't want to tell her but I did. I suggested she have one of our "work nerds" take a look at it.

After he worked on it, he gave it back to her and gave her that "oh-dear-you-are-screwed" look she was so hoping to avoid. 

....She was just to give up on it when she got this idea. MJagger and I took the non-working iPod out to her car. She said out loud to one of her spirit friends (I'm not kidding about this) that if he was so real he should fix this iPod and start playing all the songs he usually plays for her. 

Hey--desperate times, desperate measures. Who are we to argue about the reality of spirit guides?

She stuck the iPod into her car thingy.....and, damn if it didn't start working AND it started playing the songs she asked him to play! I almost shat myself.

I'm telling you, that thing was broken and now it's not! You may think my McInjury is squeezing a few brain cells but I'm telling you that the brain cells are just fine. I can't wait to tell Moriah the Medium about this....

...Do you think I can find a spirit guide to teach me croquet???
************************************************************************************

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Little Pissy Gnats, Hairdos I have Known & House
Everyone’s been flushing the toilet properly at work, the dogs aren’t pooping on the carpet, the goat poop is old news and my poop is nothing to write home about, so I’m going to have to write about more mature subjects this day....


Let’s start with the bugs in my office. Not big bugs, not crawly bugs—teeny weeny flying bugs that fly in the face and up the nostrils. You know, the kind that come zipping out of houseplants. My office is filled with plants and now it’s filled with these damn bugs. I’ll be sitting there doing counseling when suddenly I look like I’m having an outburst of Tourette’s—I swat those pesky asswipes right out of my face, snort, smack my hands together; then, I apologize to the client for the freakish movements I have just made. Forget the bug spray—I’ve saturated my poor plants with insect spray, to no avail. The wife says I should just throw out my plants and start over. I don’t think she likes my indoor garden—she says my plants are ugly. Buggy, but not ugly. I can’t get rid of my plants—who else will I talk to if they’re gone?

Today, I get a new hairdo. (Why I thought of this after writing about bugs, I don’t know. I don’t have bugs in my hair…well, not that I know of…) Getting a new hairdo is not really big news, as I get a new hairdo about as often as people change their underwear. I’m hoping for some bright, bold colors for the summer. You may be asking, “why don’t you just ask for some bright, bold colors if you want them?” BECAUSE MY HAIR IS NOT MY OWN. My hair belongs to the stylist and that is that. I think I need therapy about this. (No, that's not me or my hairstylist. It's just some photo ripped off of Google, although I have had this buzz cut...)


The PTHD (post traumatic hair disorder) started in 1985 when I started seeing my then-new Hair-Nazi. I told her I wanted something shorter for the summer. Understand that my hair was down to the middle of my back—long. Well, she buzzed it all off—truly—she gave me a crew cut—and left a foot long tail on the side of my head. (Ah, the days of the tail. Takes me back to “Til Tuesday” Voices Carry.) It took me a week before I would open my apartment door after that first shaving of the head. From there, she provided me with a blonde Mohawk (admittedly, one of my personal favorites), a red shag, even a dead-cat-looking perm (NOT one of my favorites). I had tails and no tails; color and no color; bangs and no bangs. I had “chunks” and I had highlights and lowlights and no lights. I dared not interfere with the Hair Nazi; I was TERRIFIED of her, as we all were. Her goal was to get ahold of everyone’s hair on our softball team and dye their hair bright red--a whole team of redheads. To each their own. She was an ARTIST. Not a beautician. Not a stylist. Not a hair washer. (Don’t ever make that mistake: they SHAMPOO your hair, not wash your hair; you don’t shampoo your face, do you? No. So, don’t say you wash your hair or the Hair Nazi will shampoo your face for you.) An ARTIST, albeit a scary one. I was a work of art, her canvas.

I made my escape to a new stylist after 15+ years with the Hair Nazi. I had to make the break—Hair Nazi had been sucked into the world of drugs and gambling and yuckiness, god love her…I couldn’t keep going to her. It was horrible. I sweated. I worried. I avoided Hair Nazi like the plague. How could I tell her I was getting a new stylist? This is a lady that yelled, “YOU CUT YOUR BANGS!” one day when I walked in to her shop. Not “Hello.” Not “How are you?” Not anything but “YOU CUT YOUR BANGS!” (Yea, I had cut my bangs. My bad. But, how bout a hello next time before screaming at me?) The Hair Nazi ruled the hair world. It was painful and horrific but I made the break: I turned my hair over to another fine hair artist…but she, too got sucked in to the drug world. What is it about me and hair stylists and drugs? I ran like hell from that one—an easier break as she was relatively new to me and my hair.

So, today I go see my non-drugging-non-scary-but-quite-pregnant hair stylist. Sure, I finally find one who is relatively normal and she goes and gets pregnant. Rude! I told her I’m going to stalk her at her home so she gives me haircuts while on maternity leave. I'll sit in her front yard until she gives me a cut. Today, I'm hoping for something shorter for the summer, with bright, bold colors...as long as it's not a crew cut.


Finally, random thoughts: how about the season finale of HOUSE? Woof! Any show that features an exploding eyeball and exploding testicle is all right with me. As for the Dixie Chicks, I am going to buy their album just to piss off all those good-ol'-white-boy-war-loving-Republicans. As for the goats (see previous blog), did you know they remove the poor goat's testicles with an "elasticator?" That means they basically squeeze a tight rubber band around the tidbits and wait for them to dry up and fall off. Eeeew! It would be better if they blew up like it did on HOUSE...sure sounds painful. No wonder I'm a vegetarian--I can't stand the thought of castrating (or elasticating) those poor animals without any pain med or shot. I'd be a lousy farmer, but I'd have a great hairdo.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Kidding around in the Addiverse



Friday was another weird one in the Addiverse. Imagine going to work--not on a farm or in a petting zoo--and finding two goats and a bunch of toddlers in the office. Only in the Addiverse & only at a mental health agency can this happen. 

Clean Queen brought two of her four baby goats to work yesterday. Why? Well, why not? If you have baby goats, you might as well show them off to a bunch of mentally ill people. (The clients are mentally ill, not the toddlers.) Several other employees, MJagger included, brought their kiddies to work (no one else has kids--just Clean Queen..getting confused yet?). I, being the poop-facinated one of the group, was delighted when one of the baby goats pooped and peed on the office floor. (Yes, I took pictures of this. Do you think I would miss something as important as goat poop in the office?) The photos here show Otis and Elmer enjoying a day at work. Sure beats hanging out in the barn. I'm not kidding. (Pun intended.)
Unfortunately, the day also featured a client peeing in my car, but that's a whole 'nother blog.

After the goat day was over, the wife and I had a delightful time at a party with 650 of our closest "friends of the family." Yes, 650, count 'em. We didn't know EVERYONE there, but we did know an impressive number of ladies. It was really fun to see people we haven't seen in decades--literally. The event was for Vickie Shaw's 50th Birthday party. (If you haven't heard the comedy of Vickie Shaw, don't just sit there: go to www.vickieshaw.com and don't miss her if she comes to town.) Suede, Lisa Koch and Roxanna Ward were part of the entertainment. I know, I know--all you straight people don't know who these people are. Get with it and Google them. They are some of the funniest people around. (Well, besides me and my friend O'Del. We're really funny but we're not rich and famous like these ladies. Damn.) The wife and I were proud to be awake til almost 1 AM. That's something for us-in-bed-by-9 PM-types. There was dancing, eating, laughing, talking and drinking.(Other people were drinking, not us. We have enough trouble staying awake.) You know, I'm sore from the few dances that were hand. Old, old, old. You know you are old when you are sore from a few dances and feel like you have a hangover the next day but didn't have anything to drink.
The wife and I had a hard time getting in the door at the party, as our tickets were under our friends' names--but, we only know them by their first names--we never thought about their last names. (It's a strange thing how we girls only know each other by our first names--lesbians don't have last names--we're just a combination of the two partners names: Susie/Sally or Sally/Susie. They are out-of-town acquaintence-type friends; we know the last names of our dear friends, silly reader.) We stood there trying everything to figure out the last name. It was only after being rescued by Blue Eyes & Master Reiki were we able to enter the event, as they were at our table and knew the last name of our table owner. Once in, the fun began. Yee-haw!

Vickie is a Southern Belle from Texas with a thick southern drawl, hence the theme of the party was a Texas barbeque, complete with flags from Texas on the table numbers. Had I thought about this while getting dressed for the event, I would have worn my cowboy boots. (I HAD the forsight to eat dinner before going to the party, as I figured there would be slim pickins' for a vegetarian at a Southern-style barbeque--and, I was right.) The highlight of the night for me (besides spending time with our 650 closest friends) was when Vickie was talking about putting a birthday candle in her vagina--not lit, of course. You had to be there, I suppose. The comments about menopause were hilarious. Talk about a hot flash. We laughed until our cheeks hurt. All these entertainers are featured on Olivia Cruises, but the wife and I haven't been able to save up the cash to go on one of those trips yet. I say YET because we WILL go on one of these cruises if it's the last thing I do!

On a different note, here's a shameless plug for Moriah the Medium: she now has her own new website: www.moriahthemedium.com (I really like when people actually make website names that make sense and are easy to use, so thank you, Moriah, Vickie Shaw, Emily Greene). I love Moriah, so I was excited to see the makings of a new website where I can stalk her. Grover and I are delighted to have a direct connection to the Moriah Medium world. Now, you can, too! If you are wondering what all your dead relatives are doing these days, she is the lady to help you. (If you are not wondering what all your dead relatives are doing these days, she still is a lot of fun, but what's up with you? Dead relatives are a lot of fun.)

Very much alive--Happy Saturday. Kiss kiss, addi warrior princess.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Wicked Charmed Bowling Fun
Holy blogs, Batman-it's been almost a week since my last post. I have lots of excuses, so sit down and get ready for my whining. The broadband cable was "down" for awhile and that definitely put a dent in blogging time. (By the way, it's really hard to get help fixing the broadband connection from the cable company when the directions are ON LINE. Hello! If I could get to the directions, I would have the internet. Someone should tell broadband to get a clue...and refund the wife some money for the week without service.)

I read "WICKED" the book this week, as I loved the musical and thought the book would be splendid. MJagger tried to warn me that the book was nothing by like the play, but I didn't listen. So, I'm here to tell you--in my humble opinion, the story in the book stinks compared to the musical. The book is mean and scary and depressing and dark. The musical is fun and light and happy and has a great ending. Usually, I'm all about the book but not in this case. Skip the book and go see the musical in real life....no offense to the book's author.

Speaking of witches, CHARMED is on its final-ever episode this Sunday. Sigh. What will I do to get my pagan delights once the show is over? Maybe I can take up bowling with my family....

...Speaking of bowling, I was talking to a client today--he's an awesome bowler...I was telling him my sob story of being the bowling blacksheep of the family and how I can't hit the second arrow for the life of me. (Bowling talk. For those of you non-bowlers, that's bowling lingo. Just go with it.) Being that clients are usually smarter than the staff (and more succienct), he looked at me and said, "Aim for the third arrow."

Like I said, smarter than the staff.

Like the photos? Make you want to Smile with the smileys? This is what me and the nieces (and the dogs, of course) did during their "Mother's Day-Non-Mama Day-Sleepover." (Their mama and my mama were in a bowling tournament. We were orphans while the mamas bowled their little hearts out. I told you I was from a bowling family.) I can't show you a photo of niece #3, as I didn't get one of her with the smileys. I did get a great photo of Niece #3 with a spoon on her nose, but not a smiley.... We did fun things like eat McD's at the tollway Oasis and watch niece #3 lose her 6 year old molar. (The tooth fairy, by the way, does not make out-of-town calls; niece #3 was alerted that the tooth fairy would visit her at home the next night.) The highlight of the visit was finding a giant (and very alive) earthworm under Niece #1's sleeping bag. What more can you ask for than an earthworm in your living room? (It HAS been raining a lot lately) A witch on the television and on the stage but not in a book and a smile on your smiley ball--THAT's what you can ask for....

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Random Photos from the AddiverseLucy imitating Freckles
The Red Twig Dogwood from S&A--started as a twig in 1997


Hey, is that snow in May? (No, it's just the crab tree pooping blossoms.)
The wife's new adventure: edible garden products! Cilantro, little tomatoes, basil.
The Curly Willow, which when I bought it for the wife's birthday, fit in my CAR!
And, finally, some more "snow" in the flowers...

McAbs & McAllergies in the McAddiverse
First, the good news. Freckles Warrior Princess, aka "Fatty Patty," went to the vet today--she's lost weight! She's down from 14.1 lbs to 13.7 lbs. That may not sound like a lot but in the world of shih tzus, that's like a gastric bypass results. FWP had to go to the vet b/c her ears are all inflamed. It's those darn allergies. The cost: one injection and a $100 vet bill. Perhaps that will keep her from scratching and itching and licking all night. Here's a photo of Frecks doing "down dog" yoga pose. She's still a little bitter about the vet assistant shoving this crap down her ear tubes. I guess I would be, too.

Yesterday, the wife stopped by McDonald's and picked up another exercise DVD--this time it was the "core" DVD, which I affectionately call "McAbs." I foolishly popped that puppy into the DVD player and chose to do the easiest workout. By the end of the four millionth crunchy, I was taking Ronald McDonald's name in vain. This ain't no beginner workout. I went back to doing yoga. I'm going to use that new DVD for a plate to eat french fries on....

Here's a photo illustrating the work out area, as described in the previous blog. I figure some of you thought I was exaggerating. Nope. Notice the dog sleeping in the corner. I'm in my favorite "Mountain-just-stand-here-Pose." You can see Maya (that's the virtual exercise lady) on the screen, also in Mountain Pose. Piss on the core workout, I'm gonna stand on this mountain til the cows come home. Coffee table to the left, windows to the right, TV to the front, couch to the back. And, breathe. Omm.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

McYoga 2006

Now that McDonald's has started handing out free working DVDs with their supposedly-healthy premium salads, I've developed a new hobby: McYoga. 

I tell you, it's very entertaining to watch me attempt yoga, especially when trying to do it in the living room while the dogs are lying at my feet. Gives a whole new meaning to "down dog." (Just a little yoga humor there.) 

I have about a four foot radius to do my yoga--after all, I have to be in front of the DVD player in order to do it. To the front, I have the flat screen TV; to the right side, I have the windows; to the left, I have the coffee table; and, to the back, I have the sofa. If I fall over backwards, it's all good. If I fall to the right, I go out the window; to the left, I fall over the coffee table and probably get a concussion. If I fall on the flat screen TV, I might as well just kill myself on the spot. If I fall on a dog, it's their fault and they'll be very flat (way down dog). 

The wife tries to ignore me but I know deep down inside she's thinking, "if you fall on the TV, I'm going to remove your ovaries with my teeth, then I'm going to kill you."

The McYoga DVD is very interesting. The five yoga workouts are led by a video-simulated-lady. It's kind of creepy. She looks kinda real but not really. She's got a nice voice, so that's good. She has no problem doing the workouts (bitch!) and she is pretty positive along the way. I try not to look at he while working out, cuz it gives me the creeps. (For god sakes, they gave her these freckles on her forearm. Yikes!) I just watch the bottom of the screen for the names of the poses I'm supposed to be doing (or trying to do, in my case). There is pretty scenery and relaxing new-agy music going on during the fifteen minute workouts. Ommmm! Breathing, breathing. I bend and twist and try to avoid furniture. I stretch and breath and try not to fart. McYoga Lady keeps moving on, with or without me.

My favorite poses are the Warrior Poses, probably because the remind me of Xena Warrior Princess and because they are the coolest looking poses of the bunch. I feel the power in the living room when I'm striking these poses. WARRIOR POSE! WOOF! I don't look good doing most of the poses, but I KNOW I look cool doing these warrior moves. One week of warrior-posing and I'm already looking and feeling better. Growl! I strike a warrior pose at work every once in awhile for fun.

My second favorite pose is the Mountain Pose because you literally just stand there. Oh sure, you are supposed to do that whole breathing thing, but who cares? I'm just gonna stand there. Ommm, ommm. I'm standing, standing, standing. I'm not falling out the window or on a dog.

I hear there are three other DVDs coming out from the Golden Arches. I'm going to stick to the yoga DVD. I'm not sure I can deal with another virtual babe. Besides, I keep finding myself thinking about having a Big Mac and fries after doing these yoga workouts. Now, I haven't eaten a Big Mac in like 15 years. I would probably drop dead if I ate one. What is this nonsense? I wonder if there are subliminal messages in the DVD: "you want a big fry....you want a big fry.....supersize that....and, bend forward to down dog.....you want a big, greasy big mac.....you want a big mac.....down to crocodile pose....McD's is good for you.....you want the golden arches.....pass the apple pie.....arch up to Up dog.....don't fall on the dog...."

That must be it: they are giving DVDs away for free to lure me into eating meat products.
Oh sure, Ronald McDonald wants me to think I'm getting healthy, but the truth is that it's all about subliminal messages. "Eat a burger...eat a burger....meat is your friend....


Personally, I think they should have Ronald McDonald lead the next set of DVDs. He'd be a lot less creepy than that virtual girl and I'd be much more likely to go buy a McFlurry when I was done working out....

I'd invite you to join me for McYoga but there is no room in the living room for both of us. Tell you what: I'll do a Warrior Pose in your honor and you eat a Big Mac in my honor. 

It's all good. Ommmmmmmmmmm.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Spring has Sprung

Ah, Spring. Grass growing, trees budding, allergies sneezing, dogs licking their parts all night. Only we could have two dogs that are allergic to grass. If they spend more than three minutes on the lawn, they spend the entire night itching and licking and scratching, which drives the wife crazy and pissy and then everyone is crabby and sleep deprived. It is kind of disgusting, with all the loud slurping noises. I can easily sleep through the hub-bub, but the wife can't, so that means I can't. Here's Lucy hiding under her bed padding so she can lick her privates in private:On a happier note, the yard looks fabulous, thanks to the wife's very green thumb. I thought I'd share some photos of the spring scene around the house. The first photo is of my favorite tree, as donated by "nicest people on the planet" S&A. Eleven years ago (can you believe we've been in this house for 11 years?), they gave us a twig to plant. I'm not kidding--it was a STICK! Now, it's taller than the house and it's great b/c every time I look at it, I think of them. It may not look at that big to you but it is big to me:


Photos taken by me don't do justice to the beauty of the flowering trees around the yard, but here's a peek at the foilage:

Above: That's a photo of St. Francis hanging out in the Yuccas. We had to hide him this year as last year someone stole my statue. Is that low or what? Someone is gonna have one terminal case of bad karma for that deed. I'm not sure he likes it in the yuccas but that's how it has to be. I love the yuccas, so he'll grow to love them, too.


Finally--lest we forget about Mr. Winkle...here's a photo from www.mrwinkle.com. Yes, that's a real dog. I love Mr. Winkle and haven't said anything about him for awhile, so there he is, ready for a spring outing with the family. I don't know who the baby is but she looks pretty happy to be in the Winklemobile. All credit for the photo goes to the Mr. Winkle lady.

How can you not just love Mr. Winkle? I'll bet he's not allergic to grass and doesn't lick his parts all night....

Saturday, May 06, 2006

And, now for some Commercial Messages
I have a "regular" blog entry on the way, but for this moment, two plugs....

One, Folkie Emily is walking for MDA. Click on the link to learn more about why she is doing this and how you can help. Click here to visit my Participant Page. It's worth it to just check out the personal story and why she is taking part in this event.

Two, I want to thank Henrique V from Brazil not only for posting a comment on this ol' blog but also for allowing me to use his photo way back when in a previous blog (and not having me spanked for using one of his photos). (It's the blog about the car key in the wrong ignition. Sigh.) What a man! Check out his awesome photos on Flickr.com. Beautiful, sensuous, mature--way beyond any other 17 year old I've known. www.flickr.com/people/henriquev/ (Just don't use his photos without permission. Naughty! Don't do anything I would do.) You can also check out his blog--the only "problem" is that most of it is in Portuguese, but that just adds to the fun. (The Flickr photos are not in Portuguese--ha ha!) How many of you can say you've knowingly checked out a blog from Brazil??? www.henriquev.blogspot.com

Hang in there. Funny stuff is on its way. Kiss kiss.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Broccoli Birthday



I got an email this morning from my sister which was just too funny not to post on the blog. It's about my niece's 13th birthday dinner and broccoli (hence, the broccoli). I swear this is true. All the credit goes to sister for recording this great piece of history:

"Eldest Daughter (E.D.) got herself a birthday iPOD by eating broccoli. Not a whole stem, not a bunch, simply a chunk of the green stuff.

We were at Fridays for her birthday dinner and they were on dessert. I was taking my time, enjoying my ribs, so I still had my dinner plate. They were finishing thier dessert when she starts with she still wanted to go and buy an iPOD and Dad says "eat that piece of broccoli and I'll buy you and iPOD". Now, not being one to believe him easily, she looked at me and I said go for it. She made him shake on it and then I had to guarantee to back him up. Hey, at least she trusts me. So she takes this chunck of broccoli, maybe the size of a healthy strawberry, and take the first very small bite. I thought it was over for sure from the look on her face. It took her at least 5 minutes to get it down. Now we are all laughing except for Youngest Daughter (Y.D.) who wants to eat something so she can get a birthday MP3 player even though her birthday is still 10 days away. While I am telling Y.D. to get over it and wait her turn, E.D. is nibbling away at another very small piece.

Middle Daughter (M.D.) begins to tease her and E.D. says why don't you try some! And M.D., the money hungry one of the family, says, ok how much for me to each some? Eldest daughter takes about an 1/8 of what she has and hands to middle daughter and says TEN BUCK! E.D. hands over the brocolli and M.D. ate it! I can't get the kid to eat carrots or corn but for $10.00 she ate the broccoli. Hannah see this and trys for $5.00 for a extremely small piece but gets no where since M.D has now taken 1/4 of what E.D. started with for another $10.00!

So E.D. is forcing it down, middle daughter is happily chomping her way to wealth and youngest daughter is pouting that life is not fair. In the end, E.D. finished her brocolli and we stopped for her IPOD on the way home, M.D. made a qucik $20.00 (which E.D. happily handed over as soon as we got home) and Y.D. will continue to pout until next Sunday when she gets her chance to eat her way to an MP3 player.

I guess we've started a new birthday tradition. Eat a new veggie for your gift?"