McYoga 2006

Now that McDonald's has started handing out free working DVDs with their supposedly-healthy premium salads, I've developed a new hobby: McYoga. 

I tell you, it's very entertaining to watch me attempt yoga, especially when trying to do it in the living room while the dogs are lying at my feet. Gives a whole new meaning to "down dog." (Just a little yoga humor there.) 

I have about a four foot radius to do my yoga--after all, I have to be in front of the DVD player in order to do it. To the front, I have the flat screen TV; to the right side, I have the windows; to the left, I have the coffee table; and, to the back, I have the sofa. If I fall over backwards, it's all good. If I fall to the right, I go out the window; to the left, I fall over the coffee table and probably get a concussion. If I fall on the flat screen TV, I might as well just kill myself on the spot. If I fall on a dog, it's their fault and they'll be very flat (way down dog). 

The wife tries to ignore me but I know deep down inside she's thinking, "if you fall on the TV, I'm going to remove your ovaries with my teeth, then I'm going to kill you."

The McYoga DVD is very interesting. The five yoga workouts are led by a video-simulated-lady. It's kind of creepy. She looks kinda real but not really. She's got a nice voice, so that's good. She has no problem doing the workouts (bitch!) and she is pretty positive along the way. I try not to look at he while working out, cuz it gives me the creeps. (For god sakes, they gave her these freckles on her forearm. Yikes!) I just watch the bottom of the screen for the names of the poses I'm supposed to be doing (or trying to do, in my case). There is pretty scenery and relaxing new-agy music going on during the fifteen minute workouts. Ommmm! Breathing, breathing. I bend and twist and try to avoid furniture. I stretch and breath and try not to fart. McYoga Lady keeps moving on, with or without me.

My favorite poses are the Warrior Poses, probably because the remind me of Xena Warrior Princess and because they are the coolest looking poses of the bunch. I feel the power in the living room when I'm striking these poses. WARRIOR POSE! WOOF! I don't look good doing most of the poses, but I KNOW I look cool doing these warrior moves. One week of warrior-posing and I'm already looking and feeling better. Growl! I strike a warrior pose at work every once in awhile for fun.

My second favorite pose is the Mountain Pose because you literally just stand there. Oh sure, you are supposed to do that whole breathing thing, but who cares? I'm just gonna stand there. Ommm, ommm. I'm standing, standing, standing. I'm not falling out the window or on a dog.

I hear there are three other DVDs coming out from the Golden Arches. I'm going to stick to the yoga DVD. I'm not sure I can deal with another virtual babe. Besides, I keep finding myself thinking about having a Big Mac and fries after doing these yoga workouts. Now, I haven't eaten a Big Mac in like 15 years. I would probably drop dead if I ate one. What is this nonsense? I wonder if there are subliminal messages in the DVD: "you want a big fry....you want a big fry.....supersize that....and, bend forward to down dog.....you want a big, greasy big mac.....you want a big mac.....down to crocodile pose....McD's is good for you.....you want the golden arches.....pass the apple pie.....arch up to Up dog.....don't fall on the dog...."

That must be it: they are giving DVDs away for free to lure me into eating meat products. Oh sure, Ronald McDonald wants me to think I'm getting healthy, but the truth is that it's all about subliminal messages. "Eat a burger...eat a burger....meat is your friend....

Personally, I think they should have Ronald McDonald lead the next set of DVDs. He'd be a lot less creepy than that virtual girl and I'd be much more likely to go buy a McFlurry when I was done working out....

I'd invite you to join me for McYoga but there is no room in the living room for both of us. Tell you what: I'll do a Warrior Pose in your honor and you eat a Big Mac in my honor. 

It's all good. Ommmmmmmmmmm.