Sunday, November 29, 2015

Flashback Number Four...still in 2006



The Addiverse is celebrating its ten year anniversary. In honor of this blessed event, I’m posting links to early blog entries which have zero views. From now until December 31st, I’ll post links to old blog posts. If you are so moved, please click on posted links as they appear. They may not be the best entries every written but they are sad and lonely, so please consider helping them. The Addiverse professes its love for you. Kiss kiss. 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Elved. Shelved.

This year, holiday happenings are livening up in the Addiverse... all because the wife opened a box of....

.....holiday elves.

OMG, I hate those things.

The wife's had these elves probably as long as she's on the planet. She's got a whole pack of them. They give me the creeps. They aren't cute like the new Elves happen to be. They look creepy, conniving, dangerous. Smirky. I mean, look at them. They are up to no good. No, no, no good.

Those of you who are FB friends have had the pleasure of meeting the head elf, so the photos will not be new to you. But, do you know the story behind the whole Elf on a Shelf thing? I learned of it a few years ago, as MJagger's kids got their own elf....

This elf shelf thing, supposedly a most wonderful tradition of which I didn't hear about until a few years ago, requires a "scout elf" to hang out at your house during the day and take notes on who's naughty and who's nice. The elf then zips back to the North Pole every night to update Santa. In the morning, the kiddies get out of bed and look for the elf, as the elf has obviously moved during the night. This kind of freaks me out. Magical elves in the house, staring at you, taking notes. This can't be good, no matter how benevolent the elf might be.

There are rules to the elf thing. The Internet is full of stories about elf antics....and, also about parents on the brink of divorce over the elf thing. You have been warned. I told you they are evil. So, what do you do?

1. Put the tree up (or, at least wait until Thanksgiving) before allowing the elf to surface. Some people say "no elf before December 1st." Hell, it's your elf. Do as you wish....but, it's suggested that the elf doesn't show up until after the Christmas Tree is up. The elves are busy making toys before Thanksgiving. They can't be flying back and forth to the North Pole until after Turkey Day. Besides, do you really want to move the elf EVERY.SINGLE.DAY from Thanksgiving until Christmas?
2.In preparation for the elf's arrival, the parent(s) spend money to buy an ugly elf (or, dig out the box of evil elves from the basement). If you're spending money, you can get a light or dark-skinned elf, boy or girl. (That's their description, not mine. As the wive's elves are from the 1960's, they are all white males. Times have changed at the North Pole since then. You are warned: In a move of marketing genius, you can go on line and register your elf or go to the adoption center. You can also buy a DVD, a coloring book, a reindeer or even a birthday elf. Various elves have various outfits. It's big business, this elf thing. Hopefully, your kids don't know this lest you shell out an even bigger pile of cash for elvish shenanigans.
3. The kids are presented the elf. Hopefully, it's a cute elf, not a scary wife-owned elf. Your kid's gonna need therapy if it is handed one of the wive's elves.
4. The kids give the elf a name. I don't think there are any rules to this but I'm guessing it should be a cutie patootie name, something Santa-approved. Holiday names probably rule the roost but one could use a pro athlete's name, I suppose.
5A. After the elf is released from the box, the kids are threatened--er, I mean educated--that they CANNOT TOUCH THE ELF. It's probably the biggest rule there is. Touch the elf, go to hell. Okay, maybe not hell. Touch the elf and he/she loses his magical abilities. There is nothing worse than an elf with no power. After all, how is Santa gonna get his reports if you elf is no longer magical?
5B. The elf is not allowed to talk or move during the day. The elf has to play by the rules, too. We can't have elves flitting about the house all the time. It's bad enough they have to move once a day. No need for running commentary from your house elf.
6. The parent(s) and/or kids read the book that comes with the elf. (Old school elves have no book. Read something else. Tell tales of Terror.)
7. Every morning, the kids look for the elf, who has moved in the night. He (or she) might be hidden or he might be in plain sight. The elf moves because he's been gone for the night. He might or might not have gotten into some shenanigans. Smart parents keep it simple and just move the elf. Start getting creative and you're only upping the ante. That's a lot of pressure. NOTE: Parents, DO NOT FORGET TO MOVE THE ELF nightly. If you forget, you'll have a lot of explaining to do.
8. The kids CANNOT TOUCH THE ELF. Did I mention that already? DAMMIT! DON'T TOUCH THE ELF!
9. On occasion, the elf leaves the kids a letter from Santa OR prints out a elf report OR does something of the written kind to let the kids know the Santa is up to date on all happenings in the home. This can come in handy for keeping behavior in check. Please note: if your kids recognize your hand-writing, you better employ a friend to write things. This is serious business

10. The elf leaves on Christmas Eve, as he/she flies back to the North Pole with Santa. You, as the parent, shed a tear of relief.

Now, you know I cannot behave. This elf thing is just too much fun to ignore. So, I am going to move the wife's elf every day. I am going to post the photos on FB because I want people to join in with my fun. I wish I hadn't started before Thanksgiving because this is going to get complicated. I already feel the pressure. Parents, you poor things. What were you thinking?

Let's just say friends of the Addiverse are gonna see a lot of things like this....

















A pooping elf is a happy elf. 

Meet Schaddi--the naughty elf off the shelf. He most certainly sees you when you're sleeping.....you have been warned.

Sleep with one eye open until the holidays have passed.....just sayin'.


Tuesday, November 17, 2015

It's that time of year...people on Facebook are posting for what they are grateful as their status updates.

Although I have not partaken in this way of being in the social media universe, I find this to be a MUCH more productive use of said social media than the hateful political rhetoric going on. Oh dear god, social media is a bloodbath of stupidity and vile when it comes to politics. I've been "hiding" people left and right in an effort to keep my sanity. (I don't want to unfriend them. I just need to hide them for the time being. Just typing that makes me feel like I'm in middle school.) The presidential nonsense is bad enough--add to that the "patriotic" spewing and the posting of "truths" that aren't true in any capacity but serve to "prove" a point....it's enough to burst some internal organ. It's exhausting to see all that negativity in one place.

(I was stunned by the arguing over the "French Flag Profile Photo." I didn't see that coming. I should have but I didn't. Who gushes hate over a simple gesture?)

For the record, I am especially tired of seeing the word "libtard." Anyone who uses that word is being hidden until further notice--they have earned it. Seriously. You can't come up with a better way to voice your opinion than use this derogatory term? It doesn't matter your political status or belief--all sides seem to be focused on being right--but libtard? Really? You can do much better than that.

This is why I stick to posting about poop. Poop may be sophomoric but it isn't full of hate or judgement.

Everyone poops.

Of course, I can avoid social media and for this I truly am grateful. No one is holding a gun-lobbying gun to my head to scroll down the page of social media. I keep going back to see fun things, happy things, even braggy things....photos of beloved pets and family and that new tattoo... game scores and favorite song videos.... photos of what it looks like when you don't shave for the month....

.....but, now that the old folks like me have taken over FB, we've ruined it. FB is often ugly bantering, not happy puppies. Oh my goodness, we are a crabby lot! No wonder the youngsters are flocking to other social media avenues.

Face it--we are sinking to the lowest common denominator. Stop it! Stop it now! We really are MUCH better than this. More puppies, less fake data, people. Why do we believe the fake data? Why do we take everything for granted? People in other countries are stymied by the hateful things continually posted about our President. There isn't a shred of respect left. I have to agree.

Because I agree, that probably means I'm a libtard. 

 Sigh. When did having respect, no matter the political standing, become a bad thing?

So, instead of wasting my brain cells and blessed time on hateful rhetoric, I am going to focus on all that gratitude being shared. I'm going to celebrate those who are using the thirty days of November in this manner. I don't care of what they are grateful. I'm glad they are grateful.

Heck, I may start posting daily gratitude statuses (stati?). Take that, political ranters!

If people need to post something political as their status update, so be it. I suggest they be grateful they live in the United States and say so. No need to hate--just love our country. Be ecstatic that you have the freedom to post whatever you need and want to post...and then, be grateful, not hateful. Utilize your freedom to focus on the great things we have.

Why divide when we have so much for which to be grateful?

Be grateful you poop. There is not much worse than not pooping. Be grateful you are not constipated. If you are constipated, be grateful for fiber and laxatives.  Be grateful we live in a country with indoor plumbing and soft, two-ply toilet paper. Be grateful for food-poisoned-diarrhea because it means you had food to eat... then be grateful you have a cushy toilet in which to expel what needs to be expelled.

Pooping, toilets and toilet paper. See? It is so easy to be grateful.

Crusty old people of FB, please join me in this crusade. We can all play nice in the sandbox for the remainder of November. Say thank you when you flush that toilet. Give thanks when you see those game score posts and the fifteenth photo of the new grandchild. Smile when you read what others are grateful for. Post something positive.

Refrain from the hate. Focus on the great.

Be thankful when I express my gratitude for the comfort of an indoor toilet. Shake your head with a smile on your face when I post about another poop product. Realize that I know what I'm doing when I post sophomoric bathroom humor and recognize the gratitude behind it (pun intended).

Toilet paper. In bulk. Two-ply, stock-piled for use whenever it's needed.

Yes, indeed. Super grateful.

Friday, November 06, 2015

Blogging the Vlogging

Last night, I watched almost three hours of video blogs--or, vlogs as they are known. (Blogging is so old school. Sigh. I'm always a day late and a dollar short.) I hadn't planned on doing such a ridiculous thing but I got sucked in and before you know it, three hours had passed. My original intent was to watch a specific video on the TubeoftheYou and then go be productive (like do laundry). Well, the video-verse had other ideas. Soon, I was watching various vloggers do their thing. I ended up watching a few specific vloggers at length--in fact, I watched two years of one vlogger's efforts.

As you are most likely aware, you can find videos on anything in the TubeoftheYou. Want to see how to polish your tungsten ring? BAM! Want to learn how to install a replacement boot for the stick shift? WHAM! Wondering if it is difficult to replace the screen on your laptop? ZOWEE! I've successfully done all three of those things, thanks to videos from random strangers. Hell, last night's outing on TubeoftheYou was to see how to best groom a shih tzu's face. Seriously. I wanted to trim Freckles' face and felt I could be more successful if I saw someone do it first.

For the record, there are a lot of shih tzus getting groomed on TubeoftheYou. Most of the shih tzu's looked happy--some were even waggin their tails. Too bad Freckles wasn't watching along with me--she could have seen how happy she should look when I am sticking scissors in her face.

Once I figured out that I was indeed trying to groom Freckles' hair the proper way, I moved on to the vlogs.One thing led to another. Damn them for making suggestions of what I might want to watch next.

Overall, the vlogs were entertaining but not Oscar-worthy (or, whatever award they bestow upon vloggers). Most had no redeeming value beyond entertainment (a familiar tenet) but the whole thing was interesting and it was inspiring in many ways.....such as they inspired me to contemplate why I don't vlog.

I quickly came to my senses and realized I am born to blog, not vlog.  There are numerous reasons of which I was easily and instantly able to identify this fact. My most rational thought?

I am not an attractive 20-something year female. (Don't tell anyone.)

I do believe, as is true in most if not all visual media arenas, being young and attractive goes a lonnnng way. Now, I know I was focused on a specific genre which just happened to feature attractive 20-something year olds, so I cannot generalize this across the video-verse but it's safe to say younger and attractive wins views. I'm not sure there is a big calling for not-exactly-beauty-queen-material 50-something year olds.....although I have no scientific data to back up this thought and I'm sure at least three people on the planet would find me humorous. (The wife would not be one of those three people. She doesn't find me as entertaining as I think I am.)

Don't get me wrong. There are all sorts of videos that do not require or feature attractive 20-something year old females. Personal trainers, chiropractors, singing teens, gardening enthusiasts, dog groomers, comedians, pregnant ladies, conspiracy theorists, beauty experts, bird watchers, etc. all have videos. But, the vloggers of which I speak--the infamous and famous--those who are ranked in the upper eschalon of vlog-dom--happen to be rather attractive and young.

Of course, the audience for famous vloggers appears much younger than the audience of which I seek. The vlogger's world is comprised of sound bites and visual explosions. Who has time to read a book or a blog when there are 10 minute videos to be had? The vlogger and vlog viewer are of an era I do not belong, like it or not. I may remember watching the first video on M-TV but today's youth doesn't know that M-TV used to play videos....or, that M-TV didn't exist until 1981. Vloggers seek the audience of the computer, the tablet, the smart phone--any vehicle to the Internet. They do not remember life before the Internet. Heck, they don't even know there was life without cable TV.

And thus, I shall stick to blogging.

Every once in awhile, I check out a vlog from Jenna Marbles, a 29 year old female social-media-based comedian full of swear words and inappropriate thoughts. I find her to be hilarious. She wouldn't be the wife's cup of tea but she is certainly mine. Currently, she has SIXTEEN MILLION subscribers to her TubeoftheYou channel (one of which is me). Sixteen million!!!!! Jenna has a blog but her blog has her vlogs imbedded into it so she's a blog-vlog-grrrrl...plus, her blog has her instagram, Twitter feed and Facebook link on it, so it's an explosion of social media. Can you imagine? This lady makes a weekly vlog, posts it and then gets millions of hits.

I'm happy when I get thirty views.

Now, Jenna's job IS social media, so it is no surprise she's got all that going on and that she gets at least 999,961 more views than I do. She's extremely good at her job--so much so that she is now famous enough to have a wax replica in the wax museum. Incredibly, she's not in the top ten vloggers in the world but she's listed as #17 on the top vloggers list I just googled.

I do not forsee a career in vlogging in my future but I wouldn't mind seeing myself re-created in wax. That'd be awesome.

I'm not sure they make wax figures of bloggers but they should.

So, if you have a few hours to spare, go to the land of You and watch a handful of vloggers. Or, if you're like me, watch some videos on how do something you've been meaning to do but need a visual before trying to do it. Watch a favorite TV episode, enjoy a video from a favorite band, laugh along with a well-known (or, not so well known) vlogger....I just watched a vlog about a vlogger getting a dog. Seriously. What is wrong with me? Four thousand things to do this morning and I'm watching a vlog of a dog.....

All I ask is that you come back to the world of the word and to please stay true to the bloggers. It's a sad and lonely world out there, being the outdated folks that we are. I have a dog and can post photos of her just as well as any vlogger can....stay with me....stay with us, people of print (electronic or otherwise)....

...until they make a wax blogger, we'll need all the readers we can get.
 ******************************************************************************
Hey, I can post a dog video, people.....perhaps I shall make a video about how not to groom a shih tzu. Until then.....

Freckles Crawl








Tuesday, November 03, 2015

Flashback Number 3....



The Addiverse is celebrating its ten year anniversary. In honor of this blessed event, I’m posting links to early blog entries which have zero views. From now until December, I’ll post links to old blog posts.  If you are so moved, please click on posted links as they appear. The Addiverse professes its love for you. Kiss kiss. 

Just in time for Thanksgiving (one of my favorite memories):
 http://addiwp.blogspot.com/2006/11/great-turkey-disaster-of-1996-as.html

Also in time for Thanksgiving:

Because I have fabulous hair:

 Because sometimes we must reflect on things: