.....holiday elves.
OMG, I hate those things.
The wife's had these elves probably as long as she's on the planet. She's got a whole pack of them. They give me the creeps. They aren't cute like the new Elves happen to be. They look creepy, conniving, dangerous. Smirky. I mean, look at them. They are up to no good. No, no, no good.Those of you who are FB friends have had the pleasure of meeting the head elf, so the photos will not be new to you. But, do you know the story behind the whole Elf on a Shelf thing? I learned of it a few years ago, as MJagger's kids got their own elf....
This elf shelf thing, supposedly a most wonderful tradition of which I didn't hear about until a few years ago, requires a "scout elf" to hang out at your house during the day and take notes on who's naughty and who's nice. The elf then zips back to the North Pole every night to update Santa. In the morning, the kiddies get out of bed and look for the elf, as the elf has obviously moved during the night. This kind of freaks me out. Magical elves in the house, staring at you, taking notes. This can't be good, no matter how benevolent the elf might be.
There are rules to the elf thing. The Internet is full of stories about elf antics....and, also about parents on the brink of divorce over the elf thing. You have been warned. I told you they are evil. So, what do you do?
1. Put the tree up (or, at least wait until Thanksgiving) before allowing the elf to surface. Some people say "no elf before December 1st." Hell, it's your elf. Do as you wish....but, it's suggested that the elf doesn't show up until after the Christmas Tree is up. The elves are busy making toys before Thanksgiving. They can't be flying back and forth to the North Pole until after Turkey Day. Besides, do you really want to move the elf EVERY.SINGLE.DAY from Thanksgiving until Christmas?
2.In preparation for the elf's arrival, the parent(s) spend money to buy an ugly elf (or, dig out the box of evil elves from the basement). If you're spending money, you can get a light or dark-skinned elf, boy or girl. (That's their description, not mine. As the wive's elves are from the 1960's, they are all white males. Times have changed at the North Pole since then. You are warned: In a move of marketing genius, you can go on line and register your elf or go to the adoption center. You can also buy a DVD, a coloring book, a reindeer or even a birthday elf. Various elves have various outfits. It's big business, this elf thing. Hopefully, your kids don't know this lest you shell out an even bigger pile of cash for elvish shenanigans.
3. The kids are presented the elf. Hopefully, it's a cute elf, not a scary wife-owned elf. Your kid's gonna need therapy if it is handed one of the wive's elves.
4. The kids give the elf a name. I don't think there are any rules to this but I'm guessing it should be a cutie patootie name, something Santa-approved. Holiday names probably rule the roost but one could use a pro athlete's name, I suppose.
5A. After the elf is released from the box, the kids are threatened--er, I mean educated--that they CANNOT TOUCH THE ELF. It's probably the biggest rule there is. Touch the elf, go to hell. Okay, maybe not hell. Touch the elf and he/she loses his magical abilities. There is nothing worse than an elf with no power. After all, how is Santa gonna get his reports if you elf is no longer magical?
5B. The elf is not allowed to talk or move during the day. The elf has to play by the rules, too. We can't have elves flitting about the house all the time. It's bad enough they have to move once a day. No need for running commentary from your house elf.
6. The parent(s) and/or kids read the book that comes with the elf. (Old school elves have no book. Read something else. Tell tales of Terror.)
7. Every morning, the kids look for the elf, who has moved in the night. He (or she) might be hidden or he might be in plain sight. The elf moves because he's been gone for the night. He might or might not have gotten into some shenanigans. Smart parents keep it simple and just move the elf. Start getting creative and you're only upping the ante. That's a lot of pressure. NOTE: Parents, DO NOT FORGET TO MOVE THE ELF nightly. If you forget, you'll have a lot of explaining to do.
8. The kids CANNOT TOUCH THE ELF. Did I mention that already? DAMMIT! DON'T TOUCH THE ELF!
9. On occasion, the elf leaves the kids a letter from Santa OR prints out a elf report OR does something of the written kind to let the kids know the Santa is up to date on all happenings in the home. This can come in handy for keeping behavior in check. Please note: if your kids recognize your hand-writing, you better employ a friend to write things. This is serious business
10. The elf leaves on Christmas Eve, as he/she flies back to the North Pole with Santa. You, as the parent, shed a tear of relief.
Now, you know I cannot behave. This elf thing is just too much fun to ignore. So, I am going to move the wife's elf every day. I am going to post the photos on FB because I want people to join in with my fun. I wish I hadn't started before Thanksgiving because this is going to get complicated. I already feel the pressure. Parents, you poor things. What were you thinking?
Let's just say friends of the Addiverse are gonna see a lot of things like this....
A pooping elf is a happy elf.
Meet Schaddi--the naughty elf off the shelf. He most certainly sees you when you're sleeping.....you have been warned.
Sleep with one eye open until the holidays have passed.....just sayin'.
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