Burying St. Joseph in the Backyard: Amen!

Our friends Master Reiki and Blue eyes are selling their house. As they are good old-fashioned recovering Catholics, they subscribe to the tenet that if you bury St. Joseph upside-down in your back yard, your house will sell. As I was also raised in the fine Catholic tradition, I am quite familiar with ol' St. Joe in the backyard house-selling technique. Blue Eyes called to ask if I had a St. Joseph's statue or if I could secure one for their for-sale home. I only have St. Francis hanging around outside, so I couldn't immediately help them, but promised to go on a "find St. Joseph" mission.

Next thing I know, the wife and I are hanging out in religious stores. Now, that's a good time. Did you can get really fancy, rhinestone-flashing bible covers? Jesus on a clock? Jesus on a cup? Jesus on just about anything? It was really an experience...but, no St. Joseph's were found. Those non-Catholic Christians just aren't big on the religious statues....

At work, while babbling to a co-worker, it was suggested I search on line to find St. Joe. Sure enough, she types in "ST. JOSEPH HOUSE SELLING" and all sorts of things pop up. I am drawn to the site called wwww.OurFather.com.How can you go wrong with a site called OurFather.com???!!What a GREAT name for a website. Incredibly, you can buy a St. Joseph Statue on line for only $5.95. Wow! I whipped out that check card and started typing. In only days, St. Joe would be ready for burying in their back yard.

In the meantime, the wife and I get a call from Master Reiki and Blue Eyes.... indicating that they were unable to find a St. Joseph so they decided to go with the "big guns," right "to the top." 

They purchased a Jesus statue and decided to bury HIM upside down in the back yard.

Every thread of my recovering Catholic being shrieks in sheer terror. 

YOU CAN'T BURY JESUS IN YOUR BACK YARD! YOU CAN'T BURY JESUS UPSIDE DOWN!!!! DEAR GOD! GET HIM OUT OF THERE!I am MORTIFIED! This is sacreligious!

Now, I suppose it is rather humorous that I would be mortified by anything related to a Jesus statue, but I was truly freaked out. Burying St. Joseph is one thing; Jesus is another. I called them and left a message begging them not to bury the Son of God statue and to instead wait for a St. Joseph dude. I then called them back, leaving a message from "God." As God, I alerted them that the 11th commandment is "Thou shall not bury my Son upside down in the backyard" and that burying Jesus won't help them sell their house.....

The wife tells me they called back, indicating that they laughed and laughed at my messages... adding that they already had buried the Big Guy's Son--upside down, but at least in a baggie.

OH MY GOD! The right hand man is in a BAGGIE in the ground and he's UPSIDE DOWN! I grab a paper bag to stop my hyperventilation.....

I challenged myself to breathe in a bag and soothed myself, knowing that St. Joseph will arrive at the Master Reiki-Blue Eyes household on Monday, September 18, 2006, just three days away. I will be able to sleep easier once I know he has arrived and they have unburied J.C. I promise myself to pray to St. Jude for hopeless causes and just say no to burying Jesus anywhere on your property....

Despite my dedication to St. Jude, I couldn't buried Jesus off my mind. I had to try. I had to try and save Jesus. After all, hasn't he tried to save us? I knew Jesus was buried in that baggy in their back yard and knew it was my Catholic duty to remove him from the ground....

(Question: Is it "worse" to bury Jesus in a baggy or to STEAL Jesus in a baggy from someone's back yard?)
 
I loaded Lucy and Freckles into the car and took them on the stealth "Saving Our Father's Son" mission. I packed the garden spade and put my favorite Xena doll in a baggy. 

My mission: save Jesus and replace him with Xena. 

I thought my timing would be perfect, as it would have been three days since Master Reiki and Blue Eyes buried him--it would be just like the Gospel! He would "rise" after the third day. With Xena zip-locked into her baggy and the dogs in the backseat, I was on my mission. I figured using Xena as a replacement would be a good idea until St. Joseph arrived on Monday, as she was crucified many a time during her six year run on TV--those darn Romans were always crucifying someone. Here's a photo of Xena for your viewing pleasure.

I get to their house and don't see anyone around. Good! I leave the grrrlz in the car and head toward the mulch. Now, I figured that it would be easy to see where they had buried the big J.C., but I am here to tell you, I didn't see any moved mulch markings. I'm sneaking around but Lucy is barking and crying and howling so loudly, I'm sure even Jesus in that baggy could hear her. I'm yelling at her, pointing my garden spade toward the car, walking around the mulch and yelling at her some more. 

No Jesus tell tale signs, no nothing--just Lucy causing a commotion. I dig around here and there, but nothing. I decide to move a rock--maybe they put a rock on top of him so they wouldn't "lose" him, when I hear,  

"Hey! What are you doing?!!"

BUSTED! I am busted by Master Reiki. As I am holding a garden spade in one hand, a baggied Xena in the other and I am wandering on their property, it is easy to "guess" that I am there to 'save' Jesus. There is nothing to say and certainly nowhere to hide. Master Reiki says, "My child, my child." We both burst into laughter and I confess my sin.

I promise her I will leave Jesus alone until St. Joseph arrives on Monday. In return, she will replace Jesus--or, at least put St. Joseph next to him--when ol' St. Joe arrives. (Hey, two saints are better than one, in my book.) She does NOT show me where Jesus is buried--probably a good thing, as we do not want to tempt me further. And so, I get back in the car and drive off with Freckles, Lucy and the still-baggied Xena.....without Jesus......

....well, without the buried Statue of Jesus. I'm sure the "real" JC remains my co-pilot.