Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Homeland Security in The Addiverse

Well, the wife remains very skittish since the robbery next door. I've tried to reassure her that we are safe but it is to no avail. Every noise and every movement makes her jump. Going out at night makes her nervous. Staying home at night makes her nervous. Here's Lucy, bravely guarding the Wife (see her slipper)....or, is she guarding her bone from the ever-lurking Freckles Warrior Princess?

I, on the other hand, remain strangely calm about the whole thing and am truly confident in our never-ending safety. Not cocky, not ignorant. Just confident. I know we do all the "right" things--good lighting, timers, locked doors, shoveled walks, etc. When there is a noise, I get up and go look for the sanity of the wife, not because I think anything is there. (Actually, it is very humorous to watch me get up in the middle of the night, as I take meds that basically knock me unconscious and I'm not even on the planet let alone ready to defend the house.)

As the wife insists she does NOT want a home security system, I have taken matters into my own hands. I have thus implemented the WARRIOR PRINCESS HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:



Here's Xena, on the watch, peering out into the community, watching for would-be hooligans. She's wearing her full armor, daring you to approach the house. Stand back, fool of a thief! Don't even dare to step on the front lawn....or, she'll give out a war cry that will leave you deaf for days!






What would Xena do (WWXD) if you showed up to rob us?
She'd cut your friggin' head off with her chakrum, that's what she'd do! Here's a little closer look at the Warrior Princess as she stands guard:
















For those more festive moments, we can have Xena wear appropriate regalia:
















As for me, I'm building muscles and getting into shape so I can protect the wife from any homeland threat. I've been walking with Leslie Sansone--walking around the basement, around the living room, around the lower level, around the furniture. It's not a pretty site but at least I'm getting my sorry ass off the couch every night and I enjoy listening to Leslie say the same thing, over and over. It's a low-budget production, as evidenced by my shorts (which, yes are inside out--don't ask why, cuz I don't know), the "dog-food-cans-as-weights" approach (hey, they weigh 13 0z each--that's almost a pound), the carpeted surface, the unshaven legs (which you thankfully cannot see). I've got to get rid of those pleurisy pounds and into Jillian Michaels-approved shape! One, two, one, two!!! (And, the best part about using cans as weights--if someone breaks in, I am ARMED and DANGEROUS!)
















Don't forget to notice that I am wearing my favorite shoes on the planet!



As for Freckles, she thinks all this working out is over-rated, so she's staying warm and cuddly on the couch:















She's not lazy--she says she can guard the wife perfectly from this perch and that's what being a guard dog is all about.

I'd rather deal with the Xena Security System than Freckles any day....Xena doesn't bite. Often.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Forward, Together Forward

Together Huskies, come on you Huskies and make a score or two; Huskies, you're Northern Huskies, the team to pull us through.

Forward, together forward there's victory in view, Come on you Huskies, Fight on you Huskies and win for N.I.U. (Lyrics by Francis Stroup, Music by A. Neil Annas)






Out of the Mouths (and noses) of Babes

Okay, if you are eating a snack or meal, be warned that this blog contains writings regarding the bodily function of BOOGERS.

Tasty!

You might be wondering what on earth has me thinking about boogers. (Well, you might be thinking about that on a daily basis with what I write about...I'd hate to disappoint you by getting normal after all these posts.) The triggering event: MJagger's daughter.

I was at MJagger's house yesterday and her daughter Irish Twin #1 was curled up on the couch, sick with a fever. I had just come inside from the cold and my nose was ever-so-slightly feeling like it might be running. As I was sitting on the ottoman, chatting with this fine young four year old (who happens to call me "Badonna"), I nonchalantly used the inside of the collar of my sweatshirt to "pinch" my nose--you know, you lift the sweatshirt up to your nose, put the shirt over your face, pinch or wipe (whatever you'd like to call it) to make sure you have nothing running down your face, be done with it. I didn't even know I had done it. (I'm thinking it's not a good sign that I wasn't even aware that I had done this. I think it's a leftover habit from when I was an orthodontic assistant and we could never touch our face with our hands--we also sneezed into our shirts, believe it or not. Hey, it worked.)

Irish Twin #1 looks at me with a very serious face and says:

"Badonna, when I have boogers, I use a Kleenex."

Touche! Out of the mouths of babes!

Trust me, I went and got a Kleenex.

Boogers are an interesting thing, if you ask me (and no, you are not asking me--I understand that). I have many a booger-related story from my childhood--my family can attest to that. (I'm not sure how to accurately tell the "hanging-the-boogers-on-the-nightstand" story, but will think about it. A Classic in the making.) I distinctly remember being in Zayre's (a pre-cursor to K-Mart) with my aunt when I was probably five or six years old. We were walking toward the exit and I must have been picking my nose because I remember my aunt sternly barking out:

"IF YOU DON'T QUIT PICKING YOUR NOSE, YOUR NOSE WILL GET BIGGER."

Um, now that I'm an adult, I have a big nose. I must have been a very, very busy nose-picker as a child.

One of my big fears about public speaking (for whatever group it may be) is that there will be a booger in my nose and no one will tell me. (That fear is only a wee bit more troubling than my fear that I have a "spittle" while talking--you know, one of those white little blobs of spit-tish stuff that you sometimes see when people are talking. How can you listen when someone has a spittle? All I can see is, "Oh my god! That spittle is making me nauseous?!) True friends will tell you, "Hey, you have a booger," or "wipe your nose," or they will just hand you a Kleenex and hope you understand. But, a group of listeners aren't gonna say a word--they are going to sit there and stare at that booger and probably won't hear a word I say. Thus, I am hyper vigilant when it comes to checking my nose before going into the public sector. Know that my nose will always be fresh and pretty...

...unless I am coming in from the cold and don't have a Kleenex or mirror. All bets are off in the booger department. I'm counting on you to be honest and give me the clue that "there's a bat in the bat cave."

For the record, I have never eaten a booger. Bet you can sleep better at night knowing this. I have wiped a booger on my pant leg, though. (Not as an adult, of course. Well, not that I remember.) I do not like boogers (unlike my passion for poop). A booger can make me gag and a lot of things in life cannot make me do this. Give me a big clogged toilet over an adult with a runny nose any day.

Now that YOU are gagging, I will end this nasal tirade. Before I sign off, may
may I: (1) suggest you don't borrow any of my sweatshirts during the winter months; (2) suggest you don't pick your nose in K-mart; and, (3) do not "hang" your boogers on the nightstand.

'Nuff said.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Never Say No to a Warm Chocolate Chip Cookie

The recent shooting at Northern Illinois University got me thinking about our nieces, as they will sooner than later heading off to college. (Side Note: You know, I never really feel very old until I realize Eldest Niece is going to be 15 in two months. How can that be?!! It's almost as bad as Freckles Warrior Princess turning 8 years old this June. Where has the time gone?) Anyways, being the old, crusty aunt that I am, I started thinking about what words of wisdom I would give to someone getting to the "going- to- college- age," not that they would want any wisdom passed down. (Another sign of aging: giving advice to the younger generation. Sigh.) Since it's my blog, I can preach as I wish; thus, this is what I say to the ever-growing-up nieces. I haven't wasted space listing the important things about everyone thinks and knows about. I'm focusing on the things no one ever tells you.....

1. NEVER say not to a warm chocolate chip cookie. Never. Not even during Lent. God will forgive you.

2. Pray. Pray that you don't kill your sister. Pray you pass that final exam. Pray for someone to offer you a warm chocolate chip cookie. Pray that God forgives you for eating that chocolate chip cookie during Lent when you promised not to eat candy or cookies or dessert during Lent. Pray for world peace. Pray for understanding. Pray for a snow day. Pray for the snow to stop. Pray for your relatives. Pray for yourself. Pray for whatever or whomever you want. Just pray once a day. We're your godparents, so you better get praying. We're watching you!

3. Wear a bra. Don't ask why--you really don't want to know. Just wear one.

4. Do not wear a bra to bed. Give the "girls" time to breathe every night. Besides, who wants to wear a bra to bed?

5. Wear comfortable shoes. Life is way too short to wear shoes that hurt or don't fit right or leave you wanting to cut your feet off. Spend money on comfortable shoes. It'll be worth it and besides, you'll look good because you feel good. Remember: You can never have too many pairs of shoes.

6. In honor of your sporty aunt, cheer for the Packers one time each football season but don't tell your father. You can cheer secretly, if you prefer. Just one game. Even if you don't like or watch football. Just pretend for her sake. Say things like, "Gosh, that Brett Favre sure was a great quarterback" or "I've always wanted to see someone do the Lambeau Leap in person."

7. Learn to drive a stick shift, but don't ask Grandpa to teach you. Ask your stick-shift-driving- professional aunts to teach you. Grandpa will just smoke until you can't see out the windshield anymore. Until they stop making stick shifts, everyone should know how to do this. You never know when you might have to do this and how cool will it be that you can?

8. Say at least one nice thing out loud about yourself each day. Really. You may feel stupid doing it but it's really important you do it.

9. Go to college. You can go to Northern Illinois University if you'd like. Don't let one person's selfish, hateful behavior scare you away from NIU or any other place. You can go where ever you want (well, your mama might want you to stay in the state of Illinois due to college saving plan limitations, so check with her first). Don't be afraid to go to the college of your choice. (Side note: if possible, live in a dorm during at least part if not all of your college years. It's fun to be stupid and filled with teenage angst while going to college; might as well live with all sorts of other peers going through the same thing.)

10. Never pass up the opportunity to pet a puppy. Don't forget to smell the puppy breath! There is nothing like a good case of puppy breath to make you smile. Who doesn't love a puppy? You can't have a bad day when you've been around a puppy. (Side note: do not bring a puppy home without asking your mom. I said pet a puppy, not bring home a puppy.)

11. Be a nerd. Nerds rule! Be a band nerd. Be a book nerd. Be a trying-to-be-sporty nerd. Be a computer nerd. If anyone gives you a hard time about being a nerd, you call your aunts and we'll come beat them up. We are all about being nerds.

12. Live, laugh, love, listen, learn, limbo. The more you live, laugh and love, the more warm chocolate chip cookies will come to you. The more you listen, the more you will learn. The more you can limbo, the bigger the hit you'll be at the party.

13. Don't pierce your belly button. It hurts like a you-know-what and it leaves these stupid holes once you stop wearing a piercing. Anyone who tells you it doesn't hurt is lying to you. And, it takes forever to heal--I'm talking TWO YEARS and I'm not kidding. (Side notes: if you get a tattoo, you need to know two things: (1) put it somewhere that won't sag; and (2) know that you won't only get one because they are addictive.)

14. Eat more chocolate. Don't waste your time on cheap chocolate. Eat the good stuff. If you don't know what the good stuff is, you ask me and I'll show you. Chocolate bars, chocolate ice cream, chocolate pie, hot chocolate, chocolate chips, s'mores with double chocolate, chocolate cake, chocolate chip pancakes, chocolate everything. Just a little bit of chocolate every day makes the world go around. (side note: Keep emergency M&M's on hand for those times of need.)

15. Stop reading this blog and go out and do something.
Learn how to "butt bowl." (Trust me on that one!) Go outside for a walk. Go read a book. Go listen to some loud music. Go talk to a friend. Go walk the dog. Go learn how to drive that stick shift. Go "Google" yourself. Go "Google" someone else. Go make some chocolate chip cookies and save some for your aunt. You know she won't pass one up....

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Let there be Love

Valentine’s day is supposed to be a day of love, of Hallmark profits, of florist glory. I’m not feeling the love today for two reasons: our friend Cheeseball Neighbor--who happens to be our next-door neighbor--was robbed last night and because of this afternoon’s campus shootings at Northern Illinois University.

Sometimes the Addiverse is not a place of unending wit or joy. Today is one of those days.

First, the shooting: I am an alumna of NIU and have attended classes in the building where the shooting took place. Our dear friend, Master Reiki, is a professor at NIU. The wife is a professor on a college campus. This makes the shooting much closer to home than I would like.

It appears the university did an awesome job during the emergency and for that, I am very proud of my alma mater. The wife and I were rather amazed at the security afforded to the clients, from loudspeakers in the dorms to immediate Internet bulletins.

Of course, none of this prevents this strange new hateful shooting spree happening on way too many campuses.

The event leads to discussion with the wife about her safety on a college campus. She is unaware of any safety protocol related to an incident like this. This does not make me happy. I’m sure we will have many more conversations about not only the shooting but also the seeming lack of plan at the wife’s college.

I am very happy to report that Professor Master Reiki is fine and arrived safely at home. I have to tell you, my heart sank when I heard about the shooting, with Master Reiki being my absolute first thought. My heart now sinks for the persons involved—not only for the wounded but also for all those present. Their lives are forever changed.

Now, the neighbor: the wife and I were on the phone last night with our San Diegan friends Dos Marias, making plans to take a cruise later this year. The wife was on the cell phone and Internet at the same time (the way of the times) while I was answering the “land line.” It was Cheeseball Neighbor and her dog, who were in her car in front of our house. She alerted me that she had been robbed and was now awaiting the police. She asked to bring her dog over so we could watch the dog while she dealt with the police.

The wife and I have experience in the “being robbed department,” so we immediately felt intense empathy for Cheeseball Neighbor. We immediately invited her and the dog in. For those of you who have not experienced being robbed, I can tell you that there aren’t very many more violating things that can happen to you. It's an awful feeling, your personal space so violated. (Actually, I do have some funny stories about being robbed, but I'll save that for another, lighter day.) I met her outside, got the dog and made sure the police had arrived. Four squad cars sat in front of the house, no lights or sirens. It seems that she couldn’t get in the garage (ah, the robber had unplugged the automatic garage door opener—a sign of someone who has definitely done this before) and so when she went in through the front door, she was greeting by a not very friendly site: furniture tipped over, personal belongings everywhere.


Side note: Freckles HATES Cheeseball dog and tried to bite the poor thing several times. The dog even tried to hide in the closet at one point. It was only after an hour or so (and after being bopped in the head numerous times) that Freckles calmed down enough that Cheeseball dog could lay down for a few minutes. Here's a photo of Cheeseball dog squeezing into Lucy's bed. (There's not much funny today but the sight of that scared dog squeezing into that shih tzu sized bed was humorous).

After many hours, Cheeseball Neighbor (CBN) resurfaced at our house. She brought along a police officer but we had heard or saw nothing, so we were of no help. It is unnerving to know that we were literally at home in the room closest to the neighbor’s house, while the robbery took place (most likely between 6:30-7 PM). After the officer left, CBN spoke of the police going through the house, weapons drawn. I am here to tell you: the investigation after getting robbed, back in 1985 or today, is nothing like on CSI. The police did send a crime scene photographer but there was no making casts of the obviously-the-robber’s footprints in the snow or searching for that one strand of hair that will make the case. In fact, we were pretty much told the person won't be caught and in most cases, they are not caught.

The wife and I went to her house and took a gander. It was not a pretty site.

If any of you have ever seen the television show “It Takes a Thief,” you will know what the scene looks like. In fact, this whole ordeal was just like the TV show—everything from using her own pillowcase to carry the loot to the quick destruction of the home to find anything possible in the shortest amount of time. The wife and I could only look at each other and note how much it was just like the show. It was a great show, by the way—we picked up a lot of great tips of how to make our home safer. Go to this site for additional info on the show & security tips: http://dsc.discovery.com/fansites/ittakesathief/tips/homesecurity/homesecurity.html ....Nothing was left unturned. Every drawer emptied. Every cabinet open. For god’s sake, even the frig was open.

The person got away with jewelry, credit cards, electronic items small enough to carry out the door. The person also stole Cheeseball Neighbor’s feelings of safety.

Losing your feeling of safety is a lot worse than losing your jewelry.

Today, the wife asked that I walk around the house and take photos of everything we own. I gladly obliged. I thought it would be a bit light hearted to display this photo of my 500 albums from the 1980's along with the crap I keep in the basement (quite to the wife's horror--but at least it's only in the basement). In the afternoon, we spent time helping CBN put things back in order. I’m thinking that more importantly, we provided someone who understands, someone who could listen, someone who could take action when taking action is too overwhelming to think about. The wife was in her cleaning glory. What a woman she is!

No, in most ways, today is not a day of love, but I hope Cheeseball Neighbor feels the love. And, to those at NIU: know that we are thinking of you and I hope you feel the love, too.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Happiness is a Warm Puppy
(and a new pair of shoes)

Any of you remember the Charles Schultz book “Happiness is a Warm Puppy?” It was one of my favorite childhood books. I’m here to tell you that Charles Schultz was right: that there really isn’t anything better to make your day than a puppy. Well, that and a pair of new shoes.


Here’s Chance, the newest puppy on the block, visiting work today. Congrats to the JCRT family on the addition of Chance to the pack and GOOD JOB rescuing Chance from the Pound. No one knows exactly what kind of dog Chance is--perhaps a sharpei-chow-german shepard mix. All I know is that he has really BIG paws, he's about 8 weeks old, he's obviously not potty trained yet, he smells like a puppy (mmm!), he's got a great family to love him , he's got a microchip (how awesome is that?) and he is all legs right now. I hope he keeps coming to work to keep that happiness going.



Speaking of dogs, here they are, ever the fashion statements this winter.
Here’s Freckles Warrior Princess, eyes closed as usual (for EVERY photo! How DOES she do it?!!), looking extremely morose about the whole coat-and-mitten thing. Man, she hates when I dress her for the weather. (Hey, it was -11 degrees out without the windchill--I couldn't just send her out there naked.) What a god awful photo! Makes me laugh just looking at it. For those fashion-oriented readers: Freckles is sporting a fleece-lined parka, complete with belly protection and elastic leg doohickeys in a sharp, formal black.

Then, there's Lucy, Bark of Poteidaia. stuffed into her coat and mittens. Trying to catch her to put her in her coat is like trying to catch a greased pig. She hides under the table, she runs away, she scoots between my legs--anything to avoid the dreaded coat. Notice how pissed off she looks...but, doesn't she look good in blue? The wife says the dogs are much better off without the winter gear, as when not wearing it, they run out side, efficiently do their business and return in seconds. With the coats on, they stand outside looking around, not hurrying to do anything and definitely refusing to poop.

Okay, so we'll save the coats for only really cold days.

As for me, I am in LOVE with my new shoes. Getting the shoes on the same day as meeting a new puppy is overwhelmingly wonderful. Here I am kissing them. They arrived by mail at work today. I needed some "winter/snow shoe/casual wear" kind of shoe, so the wife helped me find these diddies on line. (Like I wear anything but casual shoes. C'mon!) Got them on Amazon.com, believe it or not, with free shipping and for half price. God love the wife for her sense of value.

In case you didn't know, I love shoes. I love looking at them and looking for them. I love ordering them. I like buying them. I'd buy them every day if I could. I like getting them in the mail. I love smelling them when you take them out of the box. I love admiring them when taking them out of the box. I love putting them on for the first time. It's not exactly a shoe fetish but it's close. Having these new shoes in my possession makes me want to run around in the snow. Good thing it's snowing right now and that there's like two feet of snow on the ground.

As soon as I break them in, I'll try a little snow shoe action. Until then, I'll wear them around the house (quite to the wife's dismay).....

....at least I only came home with a new pair of shoes and not a new puppy....

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Vision Quest

Those of you who have read "The Secret" (I'm figuring a few of you blog readers have) and those of you who watch "Oprah" (which I'm figuring a zillion of you do) know about this Vision Board concept. Last week, Oprah featured guests for the topic "Go beyond The Secret," complete with Louise Hay (who is 80 something years old and looks incredibly healthy and is very articulate and has authored some might fine books). This show got me thinking about the whole Vision Board thing. Besides, I love Louise Hay and if she says it's a good, healing idea, I am ALL about it.

A Vision board is a tool, per se, that visually depicts what you "want," based on the Law of Attraction. (Note to skeptics: don't let your eyeballs roll back in your head yet--it will be all right!) I could try and explain this vision board thing, but if you really want to learn about the concepts behind the Board and how to actually make one, I'd suggest you check out these links (after, of course, reading this blog entry--no leaving "early" without reading til the end!) Links might include:

http://christinekane.com/blog/how-to-make-a-vision-board/
http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/slide/20080206/ss_20080206_284_108.jhtml


http://myartfullife.wordpress.com/2007/02/14/vision-boards-a-how-to/


https://www.canfieldcoaching.com/?src=g&src_t=s&kw=vision%20board&gclid=CMfIgcLKt5ECFQINPAoduQOFCQ

Suffice it to say, I think a Vision Board is a visual way of remembering what you are striving for in life, what your goals might be, where you want to head. As an art therapist and someone who is into all that oujiu oujiu stuff, I find it to be a grand idea. It's an invitation to the Universe and to yourself to secure what you want. It doesn't really matter if you believe in the Law of Attraction or The Secret or Louise Hay. If nothing else, think of it as a list of "things to do in your lifetime." (By the way, if you want to see some vision boards, google "vision board" images and you'll find oodles of them.)

Here is a picture of Pee Pee Peeker's and Vagina Einsteina's new bearded dragon or lizard or whatever it is. It has nothing to do with the Secret that I know of, but I thought I'd put the photo here, anyways, as I like it and it makes me laugh. It's sleeping, by the way. How's that for a weird position to sleep in??! I hope I'm not accidentally attracting lizards and dragons to my life by putting this photo here....

After the "Oprah Vision Board Show" show, a bunch of friends just happen to go out for Blue Eye's birthday. As we are very "Law of Attraction-ists" bunch of people and big Oprah fans, it was understandable that the conversation turned to creating a vision board. Several of those in attendance had already made one. This got me to thinking two things: (1) Hey, I don't have a vision board; and, (2) What the hell would I put on the Vision Board, anyways?

I am very sorry to say that I drew a blank right there at dinner. I was literally "Vision-for-my-vision-board blind." I couldn't think of anything I'd want to put on a vision board. This seemed to me a very sad, sad statement, but I gave myself a break because I was in the middle of stuffing my face with spinach raviolis and figured I could contemplate this after dinner was complete.

I got up the next day filled with the mission to identify components of a personal vision board. I have to tell you, it certainly did stop and make me think what the hell I wanted out of life and where I might be headed. I found this to me incredibly hard (which I am somewhat embarrassed to admit). I've made collages before, I'm an artist, I'm creative....so, what's the problem?

The problem is that I stopped thinking about my future and it's really, really hard to get what you want and need if you don't identify what you want and need. This inspired me further--how could I let this happen?--and thus I chewed on the idea of this. I am happy to say things starting flying out of my ass (okay, maybe not out of my ass, but I like the saying and it would be okay if things like poop came flying out of my ass on a daily basis) and I was able to think of a plethora of things to include in my future and thus on my Vision Board.

Oooooh, here I am envisioning myself with Lucy Lawless! Oh wait, here I AM with Lucy Lawless. Is this a great Universe or What????
Now, I'm not gonna tell you what's all on my developing vision board because it's not done yet but I plan on getting it done today. Once it's done and I can get to a scanner, I might consider sharing it with you, as I think hanging up at the house AND posting it on a public space might really keep me focused on my dreams and will let the Universe know I am serious about this whole thing. I don't want to make it too shallow--I didn't include things like a specific car for myself (heck, I have a new car and I figure I can attract a new car as needed to my life, anyways) but I did include a picture of the Cadillac I will be giving my parents.

I plan on focusing on things like health, wealth, successful relationships of all kinds and the making of art. (Uh oh, here I am again envisioning Lucy Lawless. I guess I'm ready to meet her again!) I'm also including a little travel to Hawaii and New Zealand. Okay, so there will be some what I would consider "shallow" things included but I'll make up for it by envisioning world peace or something on that level.

Okay, so I'm off to make my vision board. Lucy, here I come! Don't just sit there--go make your very own vision board. We can share our visions together....

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Super, Super Tuesday

Okay, first things first: when did we become a group of winter wimps? It's snowing and everything, according to the little scrolling thing across the bottom of my TV screen, indicates that all sorts of things are being canceled. This confuses me....I can recall ONE TIME school was canceled when I was a kid and that didn't come until I was in high school. (For those of you wondering, it was during the Blizzard of 1979. What a snow fall!) Back in the day of my youth, it snowed and you went to school or work. There was none of this wimpiness, no planning for weather that might happen, canceling school because of four inches of snow, no canceling church services. I know you are laughing, thinking I'm going to say something like, "when I was a kid, we walked five miles barefoot in the snow to get to school." Well, I am not going to be that dramatic but I am going to tell you that we went to school, snow or not.

Today, everyone is running around, freaking out because a snowflake was seen in the vicinity. Canceling Church Services? You've got to be kidding. Did someone tell God to stay home? "Hey, God, it's snowing tonight. Stay home." I don't think I ever heard of church being canceled when I was a kid. Never.

I blame the Weather Channel and the advanced technology of the Weather World. Now, I love the Weather Channel more than most human beings and I watch it every single day of my life, but I find it to be a problematic vehicle for creating Weather Wimpiness. Before, you just had to wake up to find out what the weather was going to be. Today, the wife and I turn the TV on instead of looking out the window. Come on! We don't even look to see what the actual weather is doing--we're too busy staring at the Weather Channel.

Actually, I can't only blame TWC. The entire Weather Media system had created weather hysteria--OH MY GOD! IT'S GOING TO SNOW! SNOW WILL COME TO TOWN AT THIS SPECIFIC TIME AND IT IS GOING TO BE THIS MANY INCHES AND IT WILL BE DANGEROUS!

The problem: We know too much. The weather people have graphs and maps and radars and photos and barometer readings and...you get the idea. We talk about storm systems that will be here in a week. A WEEK! I don't even know what my hair will look like in a week. How can I worry about what the weather MIGHT be?

People! It's just SNOW!

Note to self:
Tomorrow will surely be a "snow day" for those in the educational profession. It will also be a snow day for the "executive types" where I work. I have NEVER ONCE missed a day of work due to snow. I'm one of those stupid morons who actually goes to work as scheduled and sits there alone doing all the work because no one else showed up. Not this time. Tomorrow I shall declare as my day-- it is the day I am going to stay home because of the snow. I might as well join the craziness.

Okay, thanks for the therapy. Let's move on to "Super Tuesday." I want to assure you I did indeed vote. It was very traumatic for many reasons. First, I have to decide how to vote. See, whomever I vote for...they will lose.

I'm like a voting curse.

I have always voted for the loser. Always. It's so sad that I've considered voting for the "wrong" candidate so mine would win. The only reason Bill Clinton won in 1992 was because I was in Las Vegas on voting day and didn't vote. Had I been home, history would have been much different. (Feel free to thank me or curse me, depending on your Bill Clinton fan-dome.) Poor Jimmy Carter, ousted by me. How 'bout Al Gore? He's still trying to figure out what happened.

At least this year I didn't feel so torn, as I figure either Hillary or Obama will be fine with me and thus I could vote as my muse moved me. (I admit I toyed with voting Republican in an effort not to curse Hillary or Obama. But, the thought of voting for Huckabee makes me want to vomit. I couldn't vote for McCain as I like him and my vote would only curse him. (PLEASE, GOD! DON'T LET A UBER-CONSERVATIVE NEANDERTHAL TAKE THE OFFICE!)

As you know that NOTHING in the Addiverse is simple, you can imagine how voting can go wrong for me. I drove through the snow (OH GOD! SNOW! I SHOULD STAY HOME! WHO CAN VOTE IF IT'S SNOWING?!!) to go vote on Super Tuesday. Primary races are weird things, but I wanted to be part of history. A woman or an African American Man for president. Wow! I couldn't just sit behind and miss my part of history!

I lived through my not very harrowing snowy drive to the polling place and entered to make my mark on history. I declared my "Democratic-ocricy"--right in front of my neighbor and God--and was handed my beautiful ballot. (I did not see if she declared herself a Democrat or a Republican.) Of course, I got in my little ballot-filling-booth and immediately filled it out my ballot incorrectly. This lead to prompt rejection by the collect-the-ballots- machine. I had managed to mark two votes in one section where I was only supposed to indicate one vote. I guess I got a little overzealous in the voting department. The machine just kept spitting and spitting and spitting out my ballot. I kept trying to shove it back in. The Voter Volunteer Election Official man did not look amused. He explained my error and encouraged me to "spoil" the ballot and start over. I told him to just submit it and ignore my error. Well, after many repeated efforts to convince the machine to take my flawed ballot, the machine won out and I re-voted.

I won't tell you whom I voted for, but if you wait until tomorrow morning, you will know. I guarantee that whoever loses in the Democratic Primary will be the person I voted for. (Note to MJagger: I am not going to EVER forgive you for your Republican vote four years ago. I am scarred and need therapy because of your voting record.)

I'm thinking I should have indeed voted for Huckabee, as early election results suggest he and his scary platform are rolling right along. I am scared for myself when I listen to him. I was hoping his voter base would be scared away from voting by the snow. Figures his fans aren't scared by some snowflakes....

....Snow? Did someone say SNOW? I better go turn on the Weather Channel and see all the closings and cancellations so I know if I should go outside tomorrow or not.....

P.S. Don't stop believing, Hillary!

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Groundhog Dog Love Loft Style


I’m weekending with eleven fabulous friends (many of whom are teachers), which leads to many laughs and lots of blog fodder. I thought it’d be fun to glean some of the stories from the weekend and then post them in tribute to these friends. I suppose it’s kind of weird (and most decidedly borders on being rude) that I am writing a blog entry while actually at the event, but I decided that there are literally four other people using lap tops right now and two people on their iPod/Blackberry thingies, it’s all fair.

First, there is the “thank god it’s not another straight girl hug” greeting. I’m sorry, but you straight girls hug like there is an A-frame rule for hugging—like there might be cooties involved. I don’t think it has anything to do with sexuality, per se—but, I have to say that I have noted this trend across the board, across the years. My friends of the Love Loft know how to give a great, big bear hug upon arrival. 

Then, there is the food. Here is a photo illustration of today’s breakfast as created by Pee Pee Peeker and Einsteina Vagina (and as photographed by Ingabor Logjammer). Is there a more beautiful breakfast creation in the Universe? I think not. Please do not think that we spend much time eating healthy food as consumed for breakfast. Understand that I also choked down seven chocolate chip cookies, a large coffee, two slabs of home-made cheesecake and 14 Hershey Kisses along with my melon.


To burn off some calories, the wife and I went on a virginal expedition of snow shoe-ing. Remember how we purchased those puppies last year and never used them? (You'll have to go back into the archive and find the stories yourself. I'm too busy eating chocolate chip cookies to help you with this.) Well, we finally got our sorry asses off the couch and out the door. Here is a photo of the wife trying to save my non-sporty ass in putting my snowshoes on for the first time.

Thankfully (and most surprisingly), I was not injured during the event. We didn’t fight very much, which is also a bonus of the event. I can’t say that snow shoe-ing will become a favorite past time, but it did help me step away from the vat of chocolate chip cookies that I had been hovering over all morning. (Okay, so I was doing more than hovering. I was stuffing those delightful creations into my mouth two at a time. God, I so do love a good chocolate chip cookie with a hot cup of coffee. Too bad none of us could figure out how to use the stupid coffee maker…you think with one doctorate degree and like seven masters degrees, we could figure this out.)

While outside, Einsteina and I were moved by the muse of snow sculptures to create a snow woman. Of course, being the weirdos that we are, we made a snow woman lying down in the driveway, depicted as seen just after being hit by a car. Do not try to understand us.


Please do not miss the detail that we added nipples to our snow woman.


For those who are not of the snow persuation, Dance Dance Revolution and karaoke, two new indoor sporting events added to the Love Loft, gave attendees many laughs. If I had to choose, I’d stick with the dancing and leave the karaoke to others. I cannot sing but I don’t let this stop my belting out of horrific, distorted, painful renditions of bad Carpenter songs. The wife found her singing soul mate in Pee Pee Peeker and you can see in this photo that they are two pees in a singing pod. The pain—er, I mean singing, continued into the wee hours of the night. (Side

Note: The karaoke version of “Love Shack” was horrific and was basically like having a stutter from hell….all it basically told me to sing was “Love Shack, Baby, Love Shack” about fifty seven times in a row.

Well, since I should actually be paying some attention to those I am here with at the Love Loft, I will have to stop writing here. Suffice it to say there are many a teacher stories coming your way in a future blog. Spotted Owl, teacher of the 2nd grade, has many teacher stories featuring fun things like the Wax Ball from hell, Eating earwax and “crunchy” boogers and "The Blowing Girl in the Wind."

I know you can't wait.