Homeland Security in The Addiverse

Well, the wife remains very skittish since the robbery next door. I've tried to reassure her that we are safe but it is to no avail. Every noise and every movement makes her jump. Going out at night makes her nervous. Staying home at night makes her nervous. Here's Lucy, bravely guarding the Wife (see her slipper)....or, is she guarding her bone from the ever-lurking Freckles Warrior Princess?

I, on the other hand, remain strangely calm about the whole thing and am truly confident in our never-ending safety. Not cocky, not ignorant. Just confident. I know we do all the "right" things--good lighting, timers, locked doors, shoveled walks, etc. When there is a noise, I get up and go look for the sanity of the wife, not because I think anything is there. (Actually, it is very humorous to watch me get up in the middle of the night, as I take meds that basically knock me unconscious and I'm not even on the planet let alone ready to defend the house.)

As the wife insists she does NOT want a home security system, I have taken matters into my own hands. I have thus implemented the WARRIOR PRINCESS HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:



Here's Xena, on the watch, peering out into the community, watching for would-be hooligans. She's wearing her full armor, daring you to approach the house. Stand back, fool of a thief! Don't even dare to step on the front lawn....or, she'll give out a war cry that will leave you deaf for days!






What would Xena do (WWXD) if you showed up to rob us? She'd cut your friggin' head off with her chakrum, that's what she'd do! Here's a little closer look at the Warrior Princess as she stands guard:
















For those more festive moments, we can have Xena wear appropriate regalia:
















As for me, I'm building muscles and getting into shape so I can protect the wife from any homeland threat. I've been walking with Leslie Sansone--walking around the basement, around the living room, around the lower level, around the furniture. It's not a pretty site but at least I'm getting my sorry ass off the couch every night and I enjoy listening to Leslie say the same thing, over and over. It's a low-budget production, as evidenced by my shorts (which, yes are inside out--don't ask why, cuz I don't know), the "dog-food-cans-as-weights" approach (hey, they weigh 13 0z each--that's almost a pound), the carpeted surface, the unshaven legs (which you thankfully cannot see). I've got to get rid of those pleurisy pounds and into Jillian Michaels-approved shape! One, two, one, two!!! (And, the best part about using cans as weights--if someone breaks in, I am ARMED and DANGEROUS!)
















Don't forget to notice that I am wearing my favorite shoes on the planet!



As for Freckles, she thinks all this working out is over-rated, so she's staying warm and cuddly on the couch:















She's not lazy--she says she can guard the wife perfectly from this perch and that's what being a guard dog is all about.

I'd rather deal with the Xena Security System than Freckles any day....Xena doesn't bite. Often.