Float or Fly?

Seeing as it's vacation season, you might think I'm going to regale about floating on a lake or flying across country. Or, you might think I'm going to whine about a dead bug floating in my beverage while on a restaurant patio or gripe about a mosquito buzzing around my head while I'm on the deck reading social media posts.

Not even close.

Let's set the stage, shan't we?

I have what is called "severe myopia." It means I'm ridiculously near-sighted. (If you need numbers, I'm a good ol' -9.0.) Since crossing into the land over -7.0, I've been educated, lectured, and repeatedly reminded regarding the symptoms of a detached retinas. The message has gotten a bit more stern as I've aged. It's a highly potential "thing" with my kind of eyesight. I always smile, nod and assure the eye person I am fully aware of the signs and will take immediate action if I notice any changes with my sight. Can't say I've spent a lot of time worried about it--the info is tucked in the back of my brain. Why worry about something of which I really have no control? Instead, I've focused on finding cute frames to hold my coke-bottle lenses. 

The wife was out of town last week. Thus, I laid low and was quite boring. I don't do much of anything when she's gone. (That way, I don't have to clean up after myself. Genius!) So, I wasn't out bungy jumping or sky diving or anything wild like that. I basically sit on the deck, hanging out with my phone and the dogs. (I tell you this in case you start thinking, "what did you do to make this happen?" Um, nothing. I slept for seven hours. That's what I did.)

Wednesday arrives, wife out of town... and, upon waking, I notice a very bright flash in my right eye. 

Me: What the hell was that?

Eyeball: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Me: Did something just happen?

Eyeball: What the hell are you talking about? I just woke up!

Eyeball [Flashes, like a crack of lightning, off to the side but very bright and impossible to ignore.]

Me: That! That flash of lightning!

Eyeball: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: Okay, I'll take your word for it. But, take note I saw that.

As I get ready to take the dogs for a walk, I start swatting at the fly swirling around my head. It's pissing me off. When I look up to open the door, the fly swims right into my eyesight. I take a swat... and, it's then I realize....

Me: Hey, eyeball! That ain't no fly. That's a floater!

Eyeball:  Yeah, that's new. Do you like it? It's one of my best creations.

Me: No, I don't like it! What the hell, that floater is black!!! Can't you stick with the clear, squiggly ones?

Eyeball: I'm going on six decades. If I want to have black floaters, I'll have black floaters.

Eyeball: [Flashes for good measure]

Me: Stop that!

Eyeball: Let me show you that again. It's a doozy!

Me: Piss on you. These are signs of....

Eyeball: Go ahead, say it.

Me: ....a detached retina!

Eyeball: You really were listening all those years. Good for you! 

My first thought is NOT that I'm going to go blind or that this is serious... 

....my first thought is: "DON'T TELL THE WIFE!" 

She says something always happens when she's out of town. And, she's always been worried about my eyesight. This is not something I want to tell her while she's on vacation with her family. I decide it best to talk to my co-worker who has had a detached retina three times instead of telling the wife. 

My co-worker looks mighty serious. In fact, she immediately picks up her phone and calls her eye guy. Damn, she gets me an appointment for the afternoon--she means business. In the meantime, I'm swatting at non-flies and grumbling about the spider web-white cloud floater and whining about the flashes. I'm pleased that I don't have the "black curtain," as that would be a bad sign. I'm also starting to panic. Thankfully, she is a counselor and a detached retina survivor, so she talks me off the ledge. 

Turns out the guy she sent me to was the guy who I saw in college... when I crossed the -7.0 marker. He was the first to talk about the signs of a detached retina. The Universe works in mysterious ways. 

It took three hours to determine the issues at hand.

Me [to eyeball]: You're old and myopic.

Eyeball: Hey now! That's not nice.

Me: It's the truth. 

Eyeball: He didn't say that. He didn't anything about being old.

Me: Did he need to?

Eyeball: Well, he didn't say it.

Me: Let's talk about that Posterior Vitreous Detachment.

Eyeball: What about it?

Me: You're old. This is the kind of thing that happens to people as they age.

Eyeball: You want more floaters? I'll give you more floaters if you call me old again.

Me: And, about that Weiss ring? I'm not happy about that.

Eyeball: I think it's pretty spiffy--kind of like a smoke ring. I worked hard to make that.

Me: Well, you're messing with my eyesight and those black bug floaters are pissing me off.

Eyeball: You can't stop me. [Throws a flash in for good measure.]

Me: We'll see what happens in a few months, asshole.

I'm pleased to report my retina is firmly where it belongs. My floaters and flashes are part of the vitreous detachment and Weiss ring. Oodles of research suggest that the floaters and cobwebs and flashes will decrease with time... or, my brain will get used to them and they won't bother me as much. I'm going with the belief they will decrease with time. 

For now, I'll be swatting at "flies" until I get used to the dark floaters or my brain blocks them out. I was swatting at a bug while talking to my boss yesterday. I didn't even notice what I was doing. I was just bothered by the bug buzzing around my face. 

Oops! Floater. Not a bug. It's gonna take awhile.

I go back to the eye guy in a month, with lots of tests already lined up. There is potential for not-such-good things to transpire but honestly, I'm not concerned about that nor am I going to give my energy to anything remotely negative. I'm going to focus on not focusing on the flashes and floaters. I've got some eye exercises to do....

...and, I've got a few vacations approaching.

Me: REAL floating and flying!

Eyeball: [Silence.]

Me: The enjoyable kind of floating and flying! 

Eyeball: Sigh. [Gives a half-hearted flash.]

Me: That's the best therapy and exercise of all. 

Eyeball: Bitch.

*********************************************************

FTR, The wife took the news relatively well. Yes, she mentioned how something always happens when she's out of town. Yes, she was upset. I asked her to focus on something other than my eyesight. No need to fuel the negative. Stick with the positive. She won't be going out of town without me for awhile, so that should make not worrying a bit easier for her. 

**********************************************************

One last step to eye health: Since I believe in the mind-body connection, I have taken a good look (pun intended) at what I've been turning a blind eye to or what I might not want to see. Take care of business and thoughts. Talk about what's transpiring instead of turning a blind eye to things. I have already spoken to my boss. Turning a blind eye has no place in my life. I'm going to do what makes sense and that's to keep my mind, thoughts and body on the same page. See things for what they are. See things clearly. 

Take that, eyeball. Take that. I see just fine.

***********************************************************