Mask-Wearing, Self-Swabbing, Baton-Twirling

You know it's a weird year when your goal for a Saturday is to have a mask-free day. I never mind wearing a mask but wearing an N-95 all day at work makes me pine a wee bit for a mask-free day. Seeing as it's 30 degrees outside and I'm wimpy, it appears I'll be inside at home except when I'm walking the dogs. 

(By the way, it's almost time for the Elf traveling around on the shelf! This year, mine will be wearing a mask. He's a liberal elf.)

I am around people with COVID. Hell, we ALL are. Right now, I'm swimming deep in it; hence, the N-95. I reuse them, with a rotation system firmly in place. Yesterday, the band on one of my masks broke. Since it was one of the new ones, I'll be spending part of today looking for a stapler strong enough to keep that band in place. #FirstWorldProblems

I went and took a COVID test this week. I have no symptoms. I don't anticipate having symptoms. I do not think that I have COVID. I went because I want to rule out the possibility that I am asymptomatic. 

I am one of the most careful people you will meet when it comes to "safety first." YOUR safety is just as important as mine, so you'll find me with a mask donned and a bottle of hand sanitizer or container of bacterial wipes in arm's reach. I've become an expert at not touching my face, especially my eyes. If I can be outside, I'm outside. I work hard to maintain that six foot rule--I find that to be the hardest part of keeping myself and others safe--I've gotta stop being a space bubble invader. 

See, I want YOU safe. Yes, YOU. That's not exactly a novel concept... you'd think we'd all want to help each other whenever and however we can. My mask helps both of us--I truly believe that. (I also believe in science, so no surprise there.) How a mask is political is beyond me. Alas, if wearing a mask makes me a liberal "sheep," I have one word to say about that label: 

Baaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-hhh-hhh-hhhhhh!

Now, about that COVID test. You know, the kind that "regular" folks like me get: giant swab shoved up your nose and twirled around like a baton twirler on crack. The kind that they look for your brain while swabbing your sinuses. The kind that takes a week to get results. 

Thankfully, the drive-through line wasn't very long and, to my surprise, it was a "self-swab." Wow! Who knew? I was ready for the worst. But, a self-swab... the fact that I'd be in control of the swab made me giddy. I know where my brain starts and my sinuses stop. Having that power makes all the difference: 

You are your own self-swabbing-baton-twirler. 

Me: (pull up to the drive-through testing site, admittedly a wee bit nervous)
Medical Personnel Type (MPT): "Keep your window shut."
Me: (Keeps window shut--she definitely means business)
MPT: "Fill out this form."
Me: (confused) Can I open my window to get the form?
MPT: (definitely not amused) 
Me: (opens window a crack to get the form)
MPT: "Mask stays on. Windows stay closed."
Me: Got it. (Fill out form in record time. Mask on. Windows closed.)
MPT: "I'll take the form."
Me: (shit, am I supposed to open my window again?) 
MPT: (Glare and frown VERY obvious from behind mask and shield)
Me: (Cracks window open and slips form out to MPT)
MPT: "Keep your window shut. Keep your mask on except to uncover nose."
Me: (Damn this window thing! Mask pulled down only enough to show my nose. Window closed. Damn, it's hot in this car.)
MPT: "Open your window. Take the swab."
Me: (opens window, takes swab. Looks confusingly at MPT)
MPT: "This is a self-swab." 
Me: Self-swab?
MPT: (SO not amused) "It's self-swab."
Me: (hears angels singing)
MPT: Put the swab in one of your nostrils. Twirl it around several times."
Me: A self-swab! (Insert, circle, twirl, circle, twirl. Oooohhh, that tickles!)
MPT: "Now, do the same in the other nostril."
 Me: (Insert, circle, twirl, circle, twirl.in this tube. Maybe it's not a tickle, but it sure is something.)
MPT: "Put the swab in this tube."
Me: (compliant as ever)
MPT: Close your window! 
Me: (window closed as quickly as it'll go)
MPT: "You'll get your results in three to seven days. NEXT!"

And, that was that. 

If I were a famous athlete or some high profile politician, I'd already know the results. As a self-swabbing-baton-twirler, I'll have to wait three to seven days. I'm 99.9999% sure that the results will show that I am COVID negative. (I'm allowing .00001% for the tiny chance I am asymptomatic.) I'll keep you posted. 

I'll end with this. I don't understand shaming as related to masks. If you don't want to wear a mask because it infringes on your civil rights, so be it. If you don't wear a mask because it's a liberal agenda, so be it. If you're going to shame me for wearing a mask--because I want to keep YOU safe, so be it. But... okay, I won't lie. If you chose not to wear a mask and you have to have a COVID test, I hope you get the kind that they SHOVE UP TO YOUR BRAIN and swab for 15 seconds for each nostril and they poke your sinus cavity until you cry out for the deity of your choice. 

Dang, that's mask shaming on my part. I'm no better. Sigh. 

If we could only stop shaming each other--about any topic--we'd be in such a better place as human beings. We've become so ugly. I'll try to be less ugly. I'll wear a mask and you do as you please. I'll believe I'm helping myself and others. You focus on you. 

I'll be a mask-wearing Baaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-hhh-ton twirler. At least I don't have to worry if there's a booger hanging out of my nose or I have something stuck in my teeth.

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