Of Mothers and Masks

It's Mother's Day. I know many of you are going to break shelter and go see your moms. No judgment here. Wear masks, stay away from each other and don't touch anything. For Pete's sake, wash your hands and douse yourself in sanitizer!

I'll start out serious and then get to the meat of the blog: sarcasm (always), wit (I find myself witty), humor (hopefully), surprise (or not). I have no time to be too serious during these pandemic times.

Since I'm still working and since the virus has now shown up at work (it was only a matter of time), I'm not willing to take my possibly-tainted being anywhere... especially to my parents' house.

I highly doubt I have the virus; in fact, I'd bet dollars to donuts I don't have it. I wear a mask (out of respect to others). I wash my hands all the time. I carry a small bottle of sanitizer with me. I don't go near anyone. I don't share an office. I join meetings electronically instead of in person. I sanitize my work area. My keyboard has never been so clean. I haven't picked my nose or poked my eyes. I surround myself in a bubble of positive affirmations....

...but, I would NEVER forgive myself if either or both of my parents got the virus because of me.

I considered sitting outside while my parents remained inside. Alas, Mother Nature has other ideas. Mother's Day weather is supposed to really suck--rainy, breezy and cold-- I'm wimpy and am not one to purposefully sit in rain and cold. (Piss on you, Mother Nature.)

This is definitely a new kind of Mother's Day in my book. One with masks. One without hugs.
One with Zooming. One without pizza in the dining room.One with hanging baskets sitting in the garage so the flowers don't freeze in the cold.

Since we can't be together, I shall now answer questions in honor of Mother's Day.

Narrator: What is the best gift you gave your mom as a kid?
Me: It's a toss up between burnt toast-breakfast in bed or that I didn't stick anything up my nose.
(Pause)
Me: Well, I don't remember sticking anything up my nose.

Narrator: What is the best gift you gave your mom when in High School?
Me: I didn't get arrested.

Narrator: And, college?
Me: I didn't get arrested.

Narrator: What would you like to apologize for?
Me: Ummmm....

Narrator: Did you make this meme?
Me: No.

Narrator: So you're not alone in your shenanigans?
Me: Seemingly not.

Narrator: Anything else?
Me: I'm sorry I put all my boogers on the side of the nightstand.


Narrator: What would you like to thank your mother for?
Me:

Narrator: What would you like to give your mom as a mother's day gift?
Me: Toilet paper.
Narrator: Does she need it?
Me: Not that I know of.
Narrator: (silence)
Me: Hey, she wiped my butt as a kid.
Narrator: (silence)
Me: Seems like everyone wants toilet paper these days.
Narrator: (silence)
Me: I should stick with a hanging basket of flowers?
Narrator: (silence)
Me: Okay, flowers it is.

Narrator: And if you asked your mom about how great you are?
Me:




















Narrator: Cold.
Me: Cold.

Narrator: Final words?
Me: Happy Social Distanced Mother's Day, Wild Mama!
(Pause)
Me:And, I really am sorry about the boogers.