Country-not-for-profit Mouse visits Corporate-City-Mouse

Last week, I was at a convention for the provider of our electronic health record. If that sounds boring to you, I shall now convince you otherwise. The conference was in Baltimore... which is a whole topic in itself. (Who knew Baltimore was south of the Mason-Dixon line? This Yankee thinks that explains a lot. Perhaps a topic for another day...) 

Actually, where a conference is held usually doesn't matter as you spend the entire time in hotel ballrooms that have been divvied up for conferencing purposes. But, in this case it matters, as we had to fly there and it's in a different time zone. Travel tends to be an energy vampire and screws up pooping schedules. (For the record, my pooping was just fine, thank you. That's because they fed us so well that my body was delightfully nourished, ensuring regularity at its finest.) Sleeping in a hotel for the week isn't exactly my favorite thing to do, as no matter how much I sleep, I don't feel fully rested. Flying left me dehydrated (no liquid intake of any kind before getting on a plane lest you have to use the lavatory). Packing is an art form--the weather, the setting, the suitcase limitation all have to be considered. It really is exhausting. 

How people travel for a living, I do not know.  

As I work in a field that does NOT have money to spend on swag for conferences--let alone have money to provide food more than pathetic boxed lunches and a breakfast selection of stale danishes and a few sad, gluten-tainted bagels--this conference wowed me beyond compare. The swag bag alone was worth the trip. Shallow, yes. But, I'm good with shallow for the swag they bestowed upon us.

The food was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. Full breakfasts, gourmet lunches, fancy snacks as needed, favorite beverages always within reach. Seriously--lunch included steak and perfectly-prepared asparagus. There was gluten-free/friendly food, vegetarian food, vegan food, nut-free choices. Snacks were far from being stale store-bought cookies. The whole thing... well, it was absurd. 

 

I'll tell you what was absurd--the reception they had for the attendees was absurd. The company rented a science museum--the entire three-story museum--which would have been more than enough for good story-telling. But, no, not enough. We walked in, only to find acrobats swinging from the ceiling....
A live band....
Open bar (yes, open bar)....
Food stations for days, of all varieties...
Chefs making sushi.... 

Guacamole made on the spot, just for me....
Blue lights pouring down upon us--their corporate color is blue. They had the lighting made to feature their corporate color. The lighting, for Pete's sake.

I felt like not-for-profit country mouse visiting the city corporate mouse. I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind that I work in the "wrong" field. 

It's not good or bad, right or wrong. It's just foreign to me.The corporate mouse people shat money like there was no tomorrow. That's what they do. Impress the not-for-profit country mouse. Can't say that I'm complaining. In fact, I can't think of one negative thing to write. I learned a lot. I enjoyed everything. I networked. I met people who can help me. I got to put faces to names. I got to party with dinosaurs.

I texted a few photos to the wife while I was at the reception/party/debauchery. I forgot she didn't know I was at a science museum, so it was mighty funny when she texted back, 

"THEY BROUGHT IN A DINOSAUR FOR THE EVENT???!!!"

I'm still laughing about that.

Last blog I wrote about all the electronic devices in my life. Well, it couldn't have been more timely. EVERYONE at the conference was tied to their various electronic devices--the entire time. (I'm surprised chiropractors weren't standing by to offer their services--there must have been some necks in need of adjustment from all that hunched over, looking down at devices.) In my employment world, such behavior is frowned upon. Well, there was no frowning in this setting. Laptops, iPhones, Android phones, iPads, Chromebooks and every tablet imaginable were sucking up bandwidth like there was no tomorrow. I was in hog heaven, typing feverishly on my Chromebook while texting on my iPhone. 

I'd probably feel much differently if I could see the electric currents flowing around my head... more like bombarding my being. It can't be healthy in any capacity. I probably glow in the dark right now.

You might think such behavior disrespectful to the presenters. It didn't feel disrespectful at all. I could tell people were totally listening--multi-tasking made into an art. Again, I'm not saying it's good or bad. It just made sense in the setting.

All of the conference schedule and information was available via an app, which made a hell of a lot of sense, not only because it fit the setting but because it meant no more dragging all sorts of nonsense around. Who needs a bulky conference brochure when you can have everything at your fingertips? Whether I needed a map of the conference setting or a PowerPoint for a speaker's presentation, it was all there on my iPhone. So, people were taking notes, sending notes, checking data, downloading conference materials... and, yes some people were on Facebook and checking email. 

You didn't think it was 100% conference concentration, did you?

Lest you think there was no human social interaction beyond a party with dinosaurs, let me reassure you. There was lots of face-to-face time, hand-shaking, laughing. I'm not very excited with how the world is evolving into a "don't know how to have a live conversation" kind of place, so I think it's important to note that much face time was included. (It seemed genuine enough, but I'm smart enough to know that those salespeople were working hard to get more business and to keep us happy, happy, happy.) If there wasn't ample face time, what would be the point of going anywhere? It'd be much cheaper, easier and convenient to have on-line offerings. 

I've thankfully returned to my "real" life, of which I love much more than I could ever like a conference or travel. I missed the wife, the dogs, my bed, the normalcy. I missed just about everything there is to miss when not at home....

...And, that is the point of this blog. I really am a country not-for-profit mouse who loves being at home, surrounded by love and not just by WiFi waves. All the glitter and fluff and swag is just that--glitter and fluff and swag. It's nice but it's not life. Electronic devices are convenient, wonderful, useful. But, they aren't sincere or warm or loving. Being home is what it's all about. 

I will miss the food and I'm thankful for the knowledge gained but beyond that, there's no place like home.

Well, and dinosaurs. I'll miss the dinosaurs.

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I have the Power (Cord)

I am electronically befuckled right now. The technology center in my brain is in overload.

Yesterday at work, I was handed a new laptop. This was a very exciting, unexpected, glorious thing. It's got all the bells and whistles... lightweight... clearer screen... bigger screen...everything a laptop should be. I fired that puppy up and and giggled in delight. I spent the whole evening getting the thing set up so I could use it. It was a beautiful blank slate. I quickly gave it my stamp of approval. APPROVED!

This shiny new piece of technology was bestowed upon me only a few weeks after I was handed a new work Android phone. The phone was delightful and also unexpected. It too has all the bells and whistles and latest "stuff." Unlimited data, zippy, tough as nails. Yum! 

So, I'm sitting on the couch last night, looking at my iPhone while uploading data onto the new laptop and... Huh. I use an iPhone, an Android phone, a Chromebook and two different computers ...every day. Five different devices every day. Different devices with different operating systems. Different configurations. Different passwords. Different....

... oh.my.god....

...I have FIVE DIFFERENT POWER CORDS of which to keep track.

FIVE!

I can't keep track of my mittens, my keys or my phone. How am I going to keep track of five power cords? 

Oh, my achin' data!

Yes, the Chromebook and Android have different power cords. Rude, right? The laptops have different cords. Obviously, the iPhone is on its own mission.

Five. I'm going to have to put tracking devices on those things.

I'm trying to devise a system that will help me keep my power cords in line. I have no idea what to do. One box for all of them? Keep them all in my work bag? What happens when I go teach and only need two of the five cords and I left the work bag at work? Do I keep each cord with each device?  Do I get duplicates for each cord and keep one set in my work bag and the other set at home? Do I
ditch my personal computer and use the Chromebook in its place?

Considering how often I lose things, the best option is probably to have two of everything. What's ten cords when you already have five?

The other issue is this: have you ever used five different electronics on the same day?  Apps, no apps. Some with delete buttons, some not. Function keys, no function keys, number pad, no number pad. Apple vs. Android. Windows 7 vs. Windows 10. Big screen, little screen, in between screen. Cords for monitors, cords for projectors, different headphone jacks. Blue tooth, no blue tooth, WiFi passwords everywhere.  Scrolling with arrows, with one finger, with mouse, with touch screen. Need a mouse, don't need a mouse. Right click, left click, touch screen no click, two-finger click. Five different cords.

Five.Different. Cords.

I'm really stuck on the cords. It's by the most terrifying. You'd think I'd worry about the actual devices, but I'm not. Those I can keep track of (despite what the wife says).

Those cords. I may have to hire the wife to follow me around and keep tabs on me and the cords. I'll watch the devices, she'll follow the cords. It'd be easier and less humiliating than having to ask her if she's seen this or that cord. You know what I'll have to do....

.....I'll pay her ac-cord-ingly.

Da-dum-dum.  :-p
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Tickled Pink

Let's talk about Pink, shan't we?

That's P!nk, by the way. We saw P!ink in concern last week when she was in Chicago. I purchased two tickets in an effort to surprise the wife. I thought it would be fun.

Little did I know it would be my favorite concert of all time.

OF,ALL.TIME.PEOPLE!

I've been to at least 150 concerts during my tenure on the planet. So, saying this was the best one yet is saying something mighty impressive. I'm sorry, Madonna and Gaga. You are fabulous. But, this...

...THIS was something to write home about.

Back in the day, performers sang and had live bands. No computerized tracks, no machines. It was genuine, raw, imperfect. Over the years, the concert scene has changed. Tracks blast from the speakers, bands are almost relegated to being an afterthought. It was perfection, sterilized in a way. The headliner sings but only partially. The rest is recorded. So, they are singing with themselves.

Sometimes they are not singing at all.

But, P!nk did it the old school way. P!nk sang. And, she sang while she was upside down on a trapeze, while flying over the crowd, while swaying from a stage prop, while punching an oversized punching bag Eminem. Her band was amazing. She had actual back up singers. She forgot words and made fun of herself. Best of all, she was enjoying herself. Instead of being "just" a spectacle, she was a singing spectacle. Genuine. Humorous. Engaging. Grateful.

Grateful and Madonna are not two words I would put together in the same sentence. Her majesty rises above of, towers over her minions. She is not of us.

P!nk is a minion, right along with us. She is us.

Gaga has an amazing voice. No one can touch her voice when it comes to live singing. It's jaw-droppingly beautiful, powerful, soulful. Her Monster Ball tour was probably my second favorite concert tour of all time (Madonna's Blond Ambition Tour sits at Number Three). But, somehow P!nk went above and beyond Mother Monster. I can't put words on it but it's true.

I didn't think that it was possible that P!nk would come close to touching Madonna or Gaga-level, but there I was at the United Center, jaw dropped open (I'm not kidding), sitting on the edge of my seat as P!nk zipped around high above the crowd, singing. How one can do a trapeze act and sing so well is beyond me.

My words do nothing to paint a picture of how fabulous the concert was. I can't do it justice in print. The only thing I can do it tell you to trust me and to suggest you blast her new album.

That and ask you if you've seen my keys. I lost my keys sometime during the festivities. The wife is not amused. Thank god she loved the concert.

If you have the chance to see P!nk, go. If you're feeling old, wear ear plugs. You won't be the oldest one there. You won't be the youngest. The age range of the people there is staggering. You'll be perfect.

When P!nk says you're perfect to her, she means it. We are her and she is us. We're all perfect, just as we our. That's a message Gaga sends, too... after all, her followers are Little Monsters.  Somehow, P!nk transcended that on this evening. Somehow, she seemed to have more fun while asserting we're all just fine the way we our. Yes, we were born this way but that's so cerebral to me. 

I'm sorry, Gaga. I  feel like I'm cheating on you.

I will go to another P!nk concert if afforded the chance. I'll have to see if MJagger would like to go. I know she and I will always have Madonna and Gaga but perhaps she'd like to take a gander at this performer.....

Best concert ever. Perfect.

...well, if only I could find my car keys. THAT would be perfect. Pretty, pretty please.
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Was Blind but Now I See

Three weeks later and I'm still talking about my glasses.

I was right when I told the 12 year old my lens were done incorrectly. Not only were they done incorrectly in numerous ways, I was charged incorrectly. You know, I kept thinking about the bill during the few days I tried to wear those new glasses. It just seemed so wrong, even with the coupon finally added.....

How do I know these things? Because I went and found a 40 year old who would listen to me. In fact, I worked with the manager. She confirmed that my lens were nowhere done properly and that I had been overcharged $200.00 by the 12 year old. My pupil measurements were wrong, wrong, wrong. (Since your pupils don't move, that is something hard to screw up, especially when my measurements are in the system--at least ten glasses in a row.) When you wear progressive lenses, wrong pupil measurements don't work. My new lens weren't HD. Again, with progressive lenses that makes a huge difference.

I appreciated how the manager turned the screen to me and showed me the various measurements from over the many years. She focused on the pupil measurements from the last several visits...and, then the most recent visit. Not.Even.Close.

I felt vindicated. Take that, 12 year old! I know what the hell I'm talking about when it comes to glasses.

My favorite part was when the manager asked (to the cosmos, not to me), with a scowl and calculator, why I paid so much for the glasses. She pounded on the keys. Scowled more.

My 40 year old manager looked at me and, with as much restraint as she could master, ask"Who did you work with?"

I pointed her out. The scowl got even bigger. "Say no more," she growled. Oh my.

So, I had my eyes re-checked--just in case. The eye doctor wasn't entertained but he obliged their request. Spot on. So, the manager took care of everything else. She even went and got another pair of the same glasses and said, "we're starting over." She measured my pupils, which surprisingly hadn't moved since the last time a 40 year old measured them (insert snarky voice). She talked about HD lens, eye measurements, on and on.

She was singing the song of my people--the severely myopic.

When she re-did my bill, it turned out I was indeed changed $200 too much. I think that was the breaking point.

It appeared the 12 year old was about to become unemployed.

Anyway, I got my new glasses and they are fabulous. I can see with 100% accuracy. They fit better. I can actually see--eagle-eye vision is tough to get with my prescription. Bonus points: I have money in my pocket.

When I went to pick up my glasses, I looked around. No 12 year old in sight. (No pun intended.) I felt a bit bad about this and hoped it was her day off. I was tickled pink that my glasses were perfect.....

....well, they were perfect in every way but one.....

....the wife took one look at me and exclaimed,

"YOU BOUGHT THE SAME GLASSES AS ME!"

God Bless America, she was right. I was wearing the same glasses as her. I found this hilarious. She was not--in any capacity--entertained. She lamented how she would never again be able to wear her glasses. I assured her no one would notice. Seriously. Who the hell would notice that kind of thing?

Flash forward to the P!nk concert this weekend. For the first time, the wife and I both wore our matching glasses. I talked her into wearing hers (she doesn't have to wear them all the time). I mean, seriously--we're at a concert with a bazillion people. NO ONE is looking at our glasses. No one.

We ran into some friends before taking our seats. We're talking and one of them says, I kid you not:

"Do you two have the same glasses?"

Screw my life.

The wife's face said it all: I told you. I told you so. I hate you.

Suffice it to say, I don't think the wife will EVER wear her glasses again. I told her I'd go get my previous pair updated to my new prescription so I can wear my "old" ones when she is wearing her pair. It was too late. The point had been made. No number of new lens would fix this error of mine.

I may still go ahead and update my old lens, just in case. Rest assured that only the 40 year old will be allowed to come near me and my pupils. Me and my pupils seek only the people who sing our song.

Let's face it: It's a lot easier to take my pupils to the store than to listen to the wife talk on and on about our matching glasses. Me and my pupils might be dumb but we're not stupid. If wearing the same glasses isn't romantic (and, I take it it is not), I must do what must be done.

Before I go back to the store, I think I'll go through the wife's pile of glasses and make sure I don't end up with another matching pair...