The other day, I made a frozen pizza. It was one of those fancy kinds--you know, an explosion of organic products and "healthy" eating products. It was delicious.
Trust me when I say this babbling is going somewhere. I'm setting the stage here.
Being a gluten-free vegetarian means I read a LOT of labels. I must have a PhD in label-ology by now. It's a good thing I have great glasses, because all those little labels put a strain on my eyes. I study the fine print, looking for words like "wheat" and "malt." It's a bonus when the box says "gluten free" because that makes life a whole lot easier. Once I figure out something is GF, I then work on the vegetarian part. (I've learned that this is the better of the two routes.) When I find something that meets both requirements, it is only then that I determine if it's something that I want to eat or not.
When I find a 'lazy grrrrl's dinner product' that is gluten-free and vegetarian (i.e able to be zapped into shape via the George Foreman Grill or the poisonous microwave), it's usually in the frozen food department. I look for the familiar and most definitely stick with it. Tried and true. It makes shopping easier and quicker. It's also much easier on the eyes.
Back to that delicious frozen GF, vegetarian pizza. Despite it being small in size, I shared it with the wife. (She says I never share my food. Well, here I am, sharing my food, so she is wrong.) It looked and smelled great. We're chomping along, nary a care in the world. I comment on how amazing this pizza is, as it truly was amazing. It was delightful! The wife agreed, even adding, "this pizza crust is delicious. I think this is the best gluten free crust I've ever eaten. It's even better than the kind at restaurants." We're eating and enjoying and praising the pizza.
As I take the last bite, I am hit by a thought. The thought? "This is too good to be true."
I get up and go get the pizza box. I look at the front, I look at the back. It all looked correct. I take a closer look. Yes, this is the correct brand. Yes, this is the correct title. Yes, this is vegetarian. Yes, this is.....
I see the dreaded word. That word is contained within the first ingredient. That word explains everything: Wheat.
This is NOT a gluten free pizza. No wonder it was so delicious.
It appears there are two versions of this pizza--one with and one without gluten. I never knew that until that 1/2 of pizza was gone, now safely in my belly.
The wife and I had a BIG laugh. We decidedly agreed that gluten-made pizza crust is a whole lot better than gluten-free pizza crust. That thing got a 10 out of 10 from me.
It's been 2.5 years since I had "real" pizza crust. I didn't think I missed it. But, ooooooh boy, after that mistake.... I miss it.
I don't miss most things because there are so many tasty gluten-free products in today's world, sometimes better than the original product. But, pizza crust remains an issue. Most of the time, the pizza crust from carry out places is a frozen slab of gluten-free cardboard. It's still tasty because of the toppings. But, the crust does indeed leave something to be desired. I eat it because I love pizza.
Gluten-ous pizza error, 2.5 years later. I had forgotten how good a pizza crust can actually be and actually is. I think I might have shed a tear.
Seeing that I have an auto-immune issue leading to the gluten-free life, not Celiac's Disease, I had no side effects from eating the "wrong" wheat-filled crust. Well, I had a headache the next day but nothing like what happens to people with Celiac's.
The only true side effect? I can't stop thinking about pizza.
I imagine all the beautiful pizzas I've enjoyed over the years--the favorites, the incredible, the mediocre. The best toppings, the best sauce, the best crust, the best cheese. Thin crust, regular crust, thick crust, stuffed. Over and over. College Pizza. Childhood Pizza. Road trip pizza. New York folded pizza. Home made pizza.
I'm obsessed about and with pizza.
I'll be fine. I'll enjoy my gluten-free cardboard pizza and be all good with it. It'll serve its purpose. It will be tasty enough. But.....
....it won't be REAL pizza. And, for that I am sad.
Perhaps I could have a "once a year real pizza" party. Just once a year indulge with a real pizza. It's not like the world would stop turning.....
....but, what if it's like drug addiction? What if one pizza opens the giant keg-sized can of worms? I'll be slathering pizza all over my body, unable to stop. I'll roll in, on and around gluten. I'll eat gluten-tainted EVERYTHING! I'll run naked down the street, screaming about pizza, pizza, pizza!
Hmmm. Perhaps I should stick to eating gluten by accident, not by choice. I think it's safer that way. I' can focus on how lucky I am to have so many gluten-free, vegetarian choices in the frozen food department. I can celebrate that chocolate usually doesn't have anything to do with gluten. I can savor the ice cream of which can be savored. I'll politely pass when a piece of "real" pizza is offered. I can relish in the gluten-free life.
Santa: Please bring me pizza amnesia for Christmas. That's all I need. Pizza amnesia. Ho gluten ho ho.
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