When in Boston...

The wife and I just finished a whirlwind tour of the Boston area. We had just enough time to do some sight-seeing and then head back to our safe and welcoming Midwest. Since it was raining and as the Red Sox were out of town, we tried to pick some indoor activities to enjoy. (I wasn't motivated enough to walk the Freedom Trail or hang out on the USS Constitution in the cold rain.)

Now, I've driven repeated in Chicago proper in rush hour traffic without issue. I am not one to worry about driving in big cities. I've zipped along the six lane highways in Southern California. I've enjoyed "no left turns in New Jersey" outings. I've survived the Dallas area "Mix Master." That said, I'm no fool--I know driving in Boston is out of my league.

So, I did what all smart spouses would do: I had the wife drive.

I didn't exactly tell her about how driving in Boston was sure to be a terrifying ordeal. I figured the less she knew, the better chance of survival we'd have. Okay--I didn't tell her anything besides Boston streets don't go in a straight line. I showed her a quick view view the cell phone map, so I suppose that kinda-sorta told her something. I didn't tell her about the tunnels or the weird exits from inside the tunnel to outside the tunnel. Thankfully, she was too distracted by the fact our rental car only had 80 miles on it when we got it. She was worried for the car, not for us.

If you get bored, you really should take a look at a map of Boston. You'll see what I mean. It looks like someone puked a bunch of squiggly lines and decided those should be streets.

Having a cell phone map is worthless. Having the lady on the cell phone map telling you what to do is almost as worthless. Perhaps she too vomited up a bunch of directions and decided this would be a good route to take. "In 600 feet, make a slight left. In 400 feet, stay left. In 400 feet, stay right. In a half a mile, make a u-turn and proceed to route." I'm not making that crap up. There wasn't even time to get mad at each other as we were always making turns, avoiding large moving objects and watching out for the infamous "Boston Left."

I cannot do justice to what it's like to drive in Boston as I'm still suffering from PTBD (post traumatic Boston disorder). I found an Internet post that is absolutely, positively PERFECT about this topic. In fact, it's so perfect, I'm posting it here. I believe this may be the most genius thing ever written about Boston driving. I've added a few of my own comments within Mark's comments, as indicated in BRIGHT BLUE. The link is  http://www.masshole.com/driving.html

Driving in Boston: Submitted by MahkThe geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston, which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. And, the Back Bay was filled in years ago.   

Addiverse: That is the most perfect description of Boston ever written. Ever. I gave up the "which way is north" way of thinking. God love you, Mark. This is genius. And, terrifying. No tourist should read this before going to Boston lest you not go.

Basic Rules for Driving in Boston (subject to change at any time):

1. Always look right and left before proceeding through a green light. I found this quite odd but agree that it is true. Since cars are shooting out every which-way and as people are turning left in front of you and as the official Rules of the Road as seen as a mere suggestion, we looked as we proceeded into intersections. Who knew you'd have to look left and right when having the right of way via green light? 
2. When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass.
3. Never, ever stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.  As a part-time pedestrian, I attest this to be true.
4. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
5. Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
6. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
7. Double-park in the North End of Boston and South Boston, unless triple-parking is available. We never did figure out the parking rules. There were parked cars everywhere.
8. Always look both ways when running a red light. One would think this not be needed, but it is. Red light running is a sport, perfected by the Bostonian.
9. Honk your horn the instant the light changes. We saw no one use their blinkers. We did hear a lot of honking. Blinkers, no. We probably looked like true tourists with all the blinking we did.
10. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
11. If you should break down, allow your vehicle to come to a stop in the center lane. If road conditions are hazardous, exit your vehicle, without looking, and stand next to it, with your back to oncoming traffic.
12. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. Amen.
13. To signal a lane change, look in the direction you're about to go, as you do so. Wearing a baseball cap is considered an extra safety measure.
14. Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
15. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
16. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up loudly and chase them up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.
17. On a multi-lane highway, always drive in the left lane, even if there are others wanting to pass. Stay in the left lane until the last possible instant before cutting across all lanes to the exit.
18. When making a left turn at an intersection with a red light, glare at the oncoming drivers, inch your way into the intersection, and floor it when the green light from the other direction turns yellow. I cannot tell you how often we saw this. Perhaps the infamous Boston Left Turn should be considered sport, too. 
19. When merging, floor it, as you hit the "on ramp" and proceed immediately to the furthest left hand lane. I cannot tell you how many times I heard the wife exclaim, "These people do not know how to merge!"
20. When road conditions are hazardous, swerve in and out of lanes, to pass slower moving vehicles.
21. Communicating with other drivers and pedestrians is important. Gesture often.
22. The furthest right lane is reserved for passing. The furthest left lane is reserved for slower moving vehicles.
23. Always bring your cell phone with you. Highway driving is a perfect time to chat with your friends and loved ones.
24. If you miss your exit, stop abruptly and back up.
25. When another car pulls up close behind you and "flashes their brights", slam on your breaks.
26. When entering a tunnel, always slow down and pause before entering, even if there is no traffic or reason for delay. We wondered about this. The entrances to tunnels were always at a dead stop, but once in, there didn't seem to be reason. Who knew?
27. When faced with a lane detour, due to construction, always pass as many complying vehicles as possible, wait until the last possible second, then swerve into the specified lane.
28. Be prepared for abundant construction detours.
29. Taxi Cab drivers are highly trained professionals. Observe and learn from their masterful techniques and driving skills.
30. Only those pedestrians not looking where they're going, head and eyes fixed firmly forward, are allowed to cross in front of traffic. Be sure to "break" hard and stop as close to them as possible.
    • Tip: Only pedestrians crossing within "Cross Walks" have legal rights. Pedestrians outside of "Cross Walks" are "fair game".

Mark--er, Mahk--got it right. Or, left. Or, Boston left. I can't put it any better. Give me a Wisconsin-I-always-drive-in-the-left-lane kind of driver any day. I'll never complain about that again.