Lesson Learned

As we close the holiday season, I thought I'd consider the lessons I learned over the past year. Before I do so, I am pleased to say I did not swear, yell, growl, kick, bite, punch, slap or run over anyone with my car during the Christmas Eve gathering. There was a moment in which I had to hold my tongue (to the point I gave myself a headache) but otherwise, we escaped relatively unscathed and without having to endure one word of political stupidity spewing from anyone's anus. I have promised the wife I am moving on, so I shall speak no more of that day or of the holidays in general.

I can't say 2016 was my favorite year on the planet but who can complain when the sun still rises, the world keeps spinning and the chocolate keeps flowing? I learned much during the past 365 days (well, technically the past 360 days--there are five days until the new year).

Lesson #1: Sugar actually does affect on my body. I hate to admit this one but I can't avoid the obvious. As you dedicated readers know, I gave up all sugar for two weeks in December. I honestly didn't notice much of anything besides that habits are hard to break. Now that I am back to shoveling sugar into my body, I've noticed.....

....sugar makes me not poop. 

That just pisses me off. How I didn't notice the "easy pooping on a daily basis" when not eating sugar, I do not know. But, it's hard to ignore "Day Four of the Hostage Poop Situation." The more sugar I eat, the less I poop. Lesson learned.

Lesson #2: It's okay to use a rubber band to close your pants when said pants will not button. I was surprised to learn I wasn't as creative as I thought I was, closing my new pants with a rubber band. Many a pregnant women already knew this. Since I've never been pregnant, I wouldn't have considered this. I was alerted by other women that there is a "device" (I have no better word for it) that is actually designed to expand your buttoning abilities. This is great news, considering how much I love my new pants but am unable to wear them due to the pooching of the pooch.

Lesson #3: Birds do NOT like "deep" water dishes. This is one I don't think I've written about. In the fall, I decided to get a heated bird bath/water dish for the birds. That way, they'd have water all winter and I'd be able to watch them as they perched on the porch. They love the little terra cotta plate I have on the deck, but the water quickly freezes. So, being the frugal minded woman that I am, I read a bazillion Amazon reviews and decided to go with a heated water dish (you know, the kind usually used for outside dogs). It got rave reviews, only uses 25 watts and keeps things warm at least down to zero degrees. Good news--the thing has kept the water liquid through the duration. Bad news--not one bird has taken a drink out of it. They still go to the little terra cotta plate, even when it's frozen solid. I've been upset by this whole ordeal, wondering why on earth the birds aren't using the heated bowl. The wife, sensing my disdain, went to a bird store and inquired about this. The bird lady suggested that the birds don't like it because it's too deep and they can't see the bottom. Makes sense to me. So the wife got me a rock and placed it in the water dish, just like the lady suggested.

Guess how many birds have taken a drink from my "rock in a bowl" unfrozen water system? 

ZERO.

Even the squirrels aren't taking advantage of my generosity. Earl, Pearl and Murl Squirrels are on my shit list.

This water dish failure has me obsessed. The wife, realizing the intensity of my obsession, even went out and got me a rock for the bowl. She purchased a rock! I'm being considerate to the birds and I am giving them something they need. Thinking maybe they don't like electricity, I unplugged the bowl and put it next to the terra cotta plate. Damn birds all chose the terra cotta plate. Maybe they don't like the color green. Maybe they are thinking, "we're birds, not dogs." Maybe they like terra cotta better than cold plastic. Suffice it to say, if you need an electric water bowl for your dog, give me a holler.

Lesson #4: You CAN do all your Christmas shopping without ever leaving the couch. I've decided that I am in love with Amazon Prime. Not only can I do all my shopping from the couch, it will be at my door in two days. It's not that I'm a Scrooge. It's that when it comes to shopping I'm lazy, I'm a creature of convenience and I like the opportunity to read reviews before making actual purchases.

Lesson #5: Do NOT order Christmas presents from international sellers unless you realize you are purchasing said gift(s) from international sellers. I'm still waiting for the arrival of a phone case for my niece. Why am I waiting? BECAUSE I ORDERED IT FROM TURKEY. As you can imagine, getting something from Turkey is going to take time, not only because of the proximity, but also because there are more important things going on in that region that quick mailing of a phone case. I'm usually very, very good about this. I'm always bitching at the wife to only buy things from the U.S., to check the country of origin, read the details, blah blah blah. I've skipped many a purchase due to its location. Well, in my moment of benevolence, I decided that buying some presents via Etsy would be a nice way to support artists. Once ordered and paid for, I realized....this thing is in Turkey. The country, not the bird.

It has yet to arrive. The wife is convinced it is never going to arrive but I have faith. Until it arrives, I will honor my mantra: Amazon Prime. Amazon Prime. Amazon Prime.

Lesson #6: The unexpected, unexplainable, unfathomable can happen. Two words: Donald Trump. 'Nuf said.

Lesson #6.5: The unexpected, unexplainable, unfathomable can happen more than once in a year. At 54 years old, I still get my period EVERY.SINGLE.MONTH. That's cold. It could at least skip a month or two here or there. This may be too much information to you, but I want you to feel my pain, so too bad. I've got the pooch. I've got the gravity-strained skin. I've got the cheesy wiblets. The least my ovaries could do is honor those changes. I hear that I will stop this madness when I am 55 years old. It better not be when I'm 55 years, 11 months old.

Lesson # 7: Hell does not have to freeze over when the Cubs win the World Series. That's the best lesson of them all because it means the Cubs had to win the World Series in order to learn this lesson.

I think that's enough lessons for now. I have so many more lessons learned but I've got to get preparing for 2017, so I stop here. I predict an amazing year in 2017. Better yet: I'm going to create a better year. I'm starting with the March on Madison and working my nasty way from there. And, I predict that a phone case from Turkey will arrive sometime before Christmas 2017. If that's not enough to make a great year, I know not what else to say.


Happy New Year, dearest people. Happy New year!