Cleared for landing

There is a new development in the Addiverse. Suffice it to say it is loud and scares the shit out of me. No, it's not a baby or a dog. It's not a new sound system or 72 inch TV. It's not a monster truck. It's not the neighbor (although she is loud and scary). It's not a new landing pattern in our area.

It's another delight of middle age. Who knew getting older could lead to.....snoring?

This pisses me off. Seriously. I braced myself for chin hair and saggy skin, for thinning hair and veiny hands. But, snoring? This new development, unexpected and seemingly inexplicable, has me all befuckled. I know snorers. I've shared rooms with snorers. I'm not a snorer. I can't be a snorer. Why would I start snoring at this stage of the game?

Because snoring is such a new development in the Addiverse, I wake up immediately upon the first snort of a snore. It really does scare the shit out of me. I mean, if you haven't snored in over a half-century, it is bound to scare you into awakeness. One snore and I'm slapped into awakeness.

Interestingly enough (well, to me), I only snore when I am on my left side. Even more interesting is that I can feel EXACTLY from the where the snoring emminates. It's to the right of the uvula, in the soft palette. I can point the exact area out if asked to. It vibrates--I can actually feel the part of my soft palette that vibrates. I can even make the sound when I'm awake. That's how in tune I am with it. (For the record, I've tried to get the left side to make this vibration but have yet to succeed. I'm sure time will make that possible.) You are probably thinking why I would sleep on my left side if I know this is the problem. Well, that's how I roll. Literally. Let's face it--if I'm not rolling to the right, I'm rolling to the left.

I did some research about this snoring-at-middle-age thing. I was concerned I might be developing sleep apnea--something I did not want to develop. I don't want to not breath when sleeping. Breathing seems important. Since I don't have many of the hallmark symptoms of sleep apena, I've ruled out that potential issue for the time being.  I've decided to focus on the fact that development of middle-age snoring, especially for women, is pretty common. So, growing grey hair, getting poochified and snoring it is.  But, why snoring for middle age? Ah, the answer is simple: with age, we tend to lose muscle tone. Even in the throat.

Who the hell anticipates the loss muscle tone in the throaty bits? I suppose this makes sense, seeing as muscle tone in general gets a bit wimpier with age. But, the throat? Who the hell anticipates that? No one that I know.

It unfortunately makes sense to me. It does feel a bit fleshy and saggy back there on the right side in the soft palate area. In fact, when I'm laying on my left side, I swear I can feel that flesh sagging toward the uvula. Sagging palette = snoring.

Research has all sorts of suggestions to address snoring in middle age. I should try exercises. Throat exercises! Goggle that. The photos are hilarious. I'm a wee bit skeptical. I'm not sure I'm ready to exercise my uvula. Research suggests I try weight loss, a mouth guard or breathing strips and/or decongestants. As I'm pretty certain my weight is not a contributing factor and I'm not going to run to the dentist to get a mouth guard, I'm going to stick to breathing strips. (I'm not clogged and I'm don't breathe through my mouth so I'm not sure why I would take a decongestant) and aiming for the right side for sleeping. I could get surgery (remove the uvula, tonsils and the like--palatopharyngoplasty) but I like my uvula and I don't think it's not causing the issue.  It's the uvula's friend, Saggy Palate. I could have some stuff shot into my palette--a Pillar Procedure--but that makes me gag just reading about it. Implants in the soft palate--it makes sense--but, really? Can't go there yet.

Thankfully, I'm not a "747 cleared for landing" sonic boom kind of snorer. I'm not vibrating at inhuman-level decibels. I'm just a pain in the ass, "what was that?" kind of snorer. I don't snore every night. I don't wake up unrested. I'm just scared shitless by jiggling palette.

Can't wait to see what else is gonna sag, drag or lag.
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