Wash-n-wear

The baby Jesus (and two guys from the local appliance store) swooped down upon us this week, sucking our tax return into its grip and dropped off a new washer and dryer set, complete with these pedestals of which I do not understand.

I also do not understand the "front loader" concept but will do my best to join the 21st century as soon as I can.

After the first few loads, the wife announced, "Our clothes seem much cleaner. Makes me wonder how dirty are clothes were using our old washer."

Oh great. We've been walking around in dirty underwear for the past ten years. Now she tells me.

I have yet to do a load because (1) I'm lazy; (2) a new washer and dryer don't intrigue me as much as they do the wife; and, (3) I'm terrified I'll accidentally wash a piece of gum in the new machines and have to live with the wrath of the wife once she finds that washed and dried piece of gum.

You're probably thinking, "just make sure to check your pockets before you throw things in the hamper."

You OBVIOUSLY don't know me. I already do that. It's just that mystery gum shows up after I've checked everything. Some people lose a sock in the dryer. I gain a piece of gum.

Now that I know our clothes are so much cleaner than they used to be, I have a hankerin' to wash every article of clothing that I own. I mean, who doesn't like to be fresh and pretty? Of course, if you refer back to why I have yet to do a load of laundry, you'll see that I'm lazy. I don't have the oomph to wash everything I own in a marathon washing....

Instead, I plan on wearing everything I own, not repeating one article of clothing, until I have worn all my clothes and thus they are all now all clean. Genius.

Mostly genius. I haven't figured out the bathing suits and dress socks just quite yet. Maybe I can wear them to bed.

The new washer sounds much better than our old one, as it doesn't scream, yell, bang, sputter, screech or cry. It doesn't get stuck mid-cycle and it has pretty buttons on it. It's shiny and seems friendly.

The wife says the dryer is great because you only have to dry the clothes one time. Who knew that it didn't take two cycles to dry things?

I may do a load or two of laundry this weekend. Nothing says rip-roaring-fun like doing laundry on the weekend. I can change my clothes twelve times in one day and keep the washer cranking all day long. It won't take long as it used to take, as we won't have to stand in the basement trying to get the washer "unstuck" at 11 minutes and we'll only have to dry things one time.

Maybe I could wear TWO layers of clothing at the same time so I can make dirty clothes doubly-fast.

Actually, what I'll do is just wash all of my underwear. Ten years of wearing dirty underwear is long enough.
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