Today is a monumental day in the Addiverse: we are retiring the "Oprah's Favorite Things" washer, bestowed upon the wife in the mid 2000's. We have had one too many fights with that stupid thing, one too many bills, one too many ruined items, ripped to shreds by this piece of not-so-favorite poo.
Don't take our word for it--the reviews for this machine are brutal...one example: "it is the worst invention ever made." I concur. Oh Oprah, why must thee call this a favorite thing?
We had been so excited when the wife was given the washer and dryer set. There was nothing wrong with our then-current set but why would we keep it when we had the new-fangled Oprah washer? It was one of the first machines without an agitator. We gave away our washer and dryer, giddy in laundry delight to have the shiny new favorite thing.
Well, IT was agitating, but it did not have an actual agitator...besides it's inability to function as a washer. That was an agitator. We thought maybe it was just us, as we had never been without an agitator....
We learned quickly that using the "regular" cycle on the Oprah Machine was way too "strong" for regular laundry. After ruining a couple loads of laundry, we figured out "hand wash" delicate cycle was meant for daily use. Even on this gentle cycle, the thing would eat, wring, ruin clothing. Pants would come out three times the length they went in. Shirts was so twisted that it was literally impossible to get the wrinkles out.
I'm not kidding. Ask the wife or read the reviews. I am not exaggerating one iota. We're talking permanent wrinkles and permanent damage. It ate the wife's brand new Tommy Hilfiger parka during its first washing. That was a painful loss, I must say. I never did make peace with the washer after it ate a hole in my brand new Madonna t-shirt.
We tried to remain very grateful--after all, this was Oprah's washer of choice!
I think we should have realized that Oprah doesn't do her own laundry and thus she was in no position to suggest a particular washer as a favorite thing. Just sayin.' We should have stuck to enjoying the other favorite things (Dell DJ, anyone?).
It didn't take long for the break-downs to start....with several major parts repaired, re-repaired or replaced, some of which were thankfully under warranty. Bearings, circuit boards, this or that....there were days we thought that machine was going to take off, with all that banging and screaming coming from the possessed washer-of-death. There was re-balancing, re-setting and re-cycling... meaning, getting rid of the ruined clothes, sending them to the clothing drive.
We'd talk about getting a new washer but couldn't do it. After all, this was Oprah's favorite washer and it still technically "worked." I mean, it still washed clothes.
Then, it was too much. The "dreaded 11" started. Oh, how we began to hate the number eleven! The Oprah washer had a hankerin' to get stuck on 11 minutes. We'd hear the sound of screeching, banging, pounding, jet fighter taking off....then...
....nothing. Silence. Total silence.
We'd wait a few seconds, listening....then, we'd sulk our ways down the stairs....only to see the stupid timer on 11. The drain didn't drain, the clothes were swimming in freezing water, the machine not budging an inch to spin one drop of water.
We tried every trick in the book. We packed the machine. We did almost empty loads. We emptied the machine and re-filled the machine. We re-balanced. We prayed to the god of washers. We swore. We were nice. We stuffed pillows in there to help keep things balanced. I even kicked it once. Sometimes, one of the tricks would work; more often than not, the tricks failed and our patience oozed out. Doing laundry became a dreaded event--not because of the wash but because of the washer.
I cannot tell you how many hours of our lives were wasted over the last year fighting with that stupid washer. No wonder I haven't been writing many blogs--I've been down in the basement with the "stuck on 11" washer.
Thank the baby Jesus--the wife finally acquiesced and purchased a new washer and dryer today!!! (I thought we only needed a washer, but when it comes to appliances, there is some rule that they need to match. Who knew?) I should probably have taken the wife out to dinner, considering how happy this news made me. She could have purchased me a washboard and I would have been happy. I no longer have to hate the number eleven, I can have t-shirts that aren't tangled beyond repair, I won't have washer-induced holes in my clothes. I can do my laundry without wasting an hour of my life arguing with the machine. The new machine will arrive on Monday, so I will have one more load of wash to do in the Oprah Machine. I may take a video of it so I can post it here. I want to savor every moment of angst, frustration, agitation during that last load.
It's not Oprah's fault but it's hard not to blame her when I think of my Madonna t-shirt. Dang it, Oprah! It was a brand new, fresh from the concert t-shirt.
Huh. I wonder what Madonna's favorite washing machine is? I mean, she must do her own laundry. Right?
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Rest in pieces, Neptune TL. Rest in pieces.
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