Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Hermione's Magic Trunk

For the record, we love the new washer and dryer. I spend all my waking hours washing and then drying things. Oh, that fresh and petty underwear!

My car trunk is legendary. It's probably known across the world.

Well, it's known to my friends and co-workers. That's a start.

If you are not familiar with the Harry Potter character "Hermione," I'll need to bring you up to speed what the hell I'm talking about in this blog. (Don't go unconscious if you are not a HP fan or have never seen the movies. HP isn't the point of this blog. Stay with me.) Hermione, the female in the trio of stars, carried a small beaded hand bag....on which she cast the Undetectable Extension Spell. The spell-bound small bag allowed her to carry an unbelievable amount of stuff that she, Ron and Harry needed to survive everything in Book Seven. Hermie had all sorts of nonsense shoved into that purse--a ton of clothes, the invisibility cloak, a tent, books, first aid stuff, a sword....heck, she even had an oil portrait of a beloved relative in that small bag.

You get the picture: tiny bag, huge loot.

I don't have a magic hand bag but I do have a car trunk. I think it must have a spell cast on it, as my car trunk is the equivalent of Hermione's bag. It doesn't look very full but looks can be deceiving.

If I can't find something (which is an hourly event), there are three places I look: in my work bag, on my the kitchen table....and, in my trunk. It's become a joke at work. Someone will ask something like, "does anyone have any packing tape?" and I'll chime in, "I have a roll in my trunk." If someone needs a battery, an extra Ethernet cord, pink duct tape, a band-aid, dog leash or even a deck of cards, I can go to my trunk and fulfill the request.

The other day, a co-worker mentioned how one of the clients had a drum set at the group home. I chimed in, "I play the drums! Why, I have a pair of drumsticks in my car!"

The response? "Of course you do."

I told you--my trunk is legendary, known to all.

I did not set out to have a magical car trunk--it just happened. It was magical. I didn't put anything purposefully in there--stuff of many sorts just ends up in there. It's not unusual that I have a change of clothes, work out clothes, an extra pair of shoes, my snow boots, a pair of gloves, an umbrella. I used to keep a dress suit in my trunk, just in case I was invited to do a news interview or go to an unscheduled meeting. That's not so weird, either. But, it is probably a wee bit unusual that I have two umbrellas, a folding chair, two towels, one blanket, a dozen "pee pee pads," a book stamps and a variety of feminine hygiene products that rival any drug store selection. I have a full-size welcome mat, chemical-laden hand warmers, water in a pouch, matches, toothpaste, deodorant and at least four pair of clean underwear. I have an emergency back pack, complete with a Swiss army knife, glow sticks and one of those parachute cord bracelets.

If the Apocalypse arrives, I'm your woman. You need to be in my car. Me and the cockroaches are going to roam the lands until the end of time. You'll have a fresh supply of water and a protein bar as the show starts.

I'm not well versed on Zombies, so you may have to help me with that.

There are some things that are not included in the magical trunk. Chocolate--there is no chocolate. Unless I get a frig in the trunk, I can't keep the chocolate from melting. There are no live animals, stuffed animals or animal crackers. I certainly don't have any make-up or pair of stilettos hanging out in there.

My wallet and my car keys are not in there. That's probably why I can never find them.

I've had two tents in there at one time, so I'm not so far removed from Hermie. I've never had an oil-painted portrait in the trunk but I've had many a weird art project stuffed in, so that's pretty close, too. I don't have an invisibility cloak but I do have a rain poncho. I don't have a magic wand but two drum sticks and an AM\FM weather radio have to be considered magical in some form.

There is one thing I hope that's in the car trunk that most likely wasn't in Hermione's bag.....

....a spare tire.

I've never seen one but I'm hoping it is in there.  Perhaps under the collapsing box filled with a mega-sized box of ramen noodles, somewhere near the pile of obsolete maps? Or, maybe near that box of work papers with my wallet on top.

Hey, THERE'S my wallet! I've been looking for that all day.

I should have known to look in there.







Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Wash-n-wear

The baby Jesus (and two guys from the local appliance store) swooped down upon us this week, sucking our tax return into its grip and dropped off a new washer and dryer set, complete with these pedestals of which I do not understand.

I also do not understand the "front loader" concept but will do my best to join the 21st century as soon as I can.

After the first few loads, the wife announced, "Our clothes seem much cleaner. Makes me wonder how dirty are clothes were using our old washer."

Oh great. We've been walking around in dirty underwear for the past ten years. Now she tells me.

I have yet to do a load because (1) I'm lazy; (2) a new washer and dryer don't intrigue me as much as they do the wife; and, (3) I'm terrified I'll accidentally wash a piece of gum in the new machines and have to live with the wrath of the wife once she finds that washed and dried piece of gum.

You're probably thinking, "just make sure to check your pockets before you throw things in the hamper."

You OBVIOUSLY don't know me. I already do that. It's just that mystery gum shows up after I've checked everything. Some people lose a sock in the dryer. I gain a piece of gum.

Now that I know our clothes are so much cleaner than they used to be, I have a hankerin' to wash every article of clothing that I own. I mean, who doesn't like to be fresh and pretty? Of course, if you refer back to why I have yet to do a load of laundry, you'll see that I'm lazy. I don't have the oomph to wash everything I own in a marathon washing....

Instead, I plan on wearing everything I own, not repeating one article of clothing, until I have worn all my clothes and thus they are all now all clean. Genius.

Mostly genius. I haven't figured out the bathing suits and dress socks just quite yet. Maybe I can wear them to bed.

The new washer sounds much better than our old one, as it doesn't scream, yell, bang, sputter, screech or cry. It doesn't get stuck mid-cycle and it has pretty buttons on it. It's shiny and seems friendly.

The wife says the dryer is great because you only have to dry the clothes one time. Who knew that it didn't take two cycles to dry things?

I may do a load or two of laundry this weekend. Nothing says rip-roaring-fun like doing laundry on the weekend. I can change my clothes twelve times in one day and keep the washer cranking all day long. It won't take long as it used to take, as we won't have to stand in the basement trying to get the washer "unstuck" at 11 minutes and we'll only have to dry things one time.

Maybe I could wear TWO layers of clothing at the same time so I can make dirty clothes doubly-fast.

Actually, what I'll do is just wash all of my underwear. Ten years of wearing dirty underwear is long enough.
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Monday, March 10, 2014

Saying goodbye to a not-so-favorite thing

Today is a monumental day in the Addiverse: we are retiring the "Oprah's Favorite Things" washer, bestowed upon the wife in the mid 2000's.  We have had one too many fights with that stupid thing, one too many bills, one too many ruined items, ripped to shreds by this piece of not-so-favorite poo.

Don't take our word for it--the reviews for this machine are brutal...one example: "it is the worst invention ever made." I concur. Oh Oprah, why must thee call this a favorite thing?

We had been so excited when the wife was given the washer and dryer set. There was nothing wrong with our then-current set but why would we keep it when we had the new-fangled Oprah washer? It was one of the first machines without an agitator. We gave away our washer and dryer, giddy in laundry delight to have the shiny new favorite thing.

Well, IT was agitating, but it did not have an actual agitator...besides it's inability to function as a washer. That was an agitator. We thought maybe it was just us, as we had never been without an agitator....

We learned quickly that using the "regular" cycle on the Oprah Machine was way too "strong" for regular laundry. After ruining a couple loads of laundry, we figured out "hand wash" delicate cycle was meant for daily use. Even on this gentle cycle, the thing would eat, wring, ruin clothing. Pants would come out three times the length they went in. Shirts was so twisted that it was literally impossible to get the wrinkles out.

I'm not kidding. Ask the wife or read the reviews. I am not exaggerating one iota. We're talking permanent wrinkles and permanent damage. It ate the wife's brand new Tommy Hilfiger parka during its first washing. That was a painful loss, I must say. I never did make peace with the washer after it ate a hole in my brand new Madonna t-shirt.

We tried to remain very grateful--after all, this was Oprah's washer of choice!

I think we should have realized that Oprah doesn't do her own laundry and thus she was in no position to suggest a particular washer as a favorite thing. Just sayin.' We should have stuck to enjoying the other favorite things (Dell DJ, anyone?).

It didn't take long for the break-downs to start....with several major parts repaired, re-repaired or replaced, some of which were thankfully under warranty. Bearings, circuit boards, this or that....there were days we thought that machine was going to take off, with all that banging and screaming coming from the possessed washer-of-death. There was re-balancing, re-setting and re-cycling... meaning, getting rid of the ruined clothes, sending them to the clothing drive.

We'd talk about getting a new washer but couldn't do it. After all, this was Oprah's favorite washer and it still technically "worked." I mean, it still washed clothes.

Then, it was too much. The "dreaded 11" started. Oh, how we began to hate the number eleven! The Oprah washer had a hankerin' to get stuck on 11 minutes. We'd hear the sound of screeching, banging, pounding, jet fighter taking off....then...

....nothing. Silence. Total silence.

We'd wait a few seconds, listening....then, we'd sulk our ways down the stairs....only to see the stupid timer on 11.  The drain didn't drain, the clothes were swimming in freezing water, the machine not budging an inch to spin one drop of water.

We tried every trick in the book. We packed the machine. We did almost empty loads. We emptied the machine and re-filled the machine. We re-balanced. We prayed to the god of washers. We swore. We were nice. We stuffed pillows in there to help keep things balanced. I even kicked it once. Sometimes, one of the tricks would work; more often than not, the tricks failed and our patience oozed out. Doing laundry became a dreaded event--not because of the wash but because of the washer.

I cannot tell you how many hours of our lives were wasted over the last year fighting with that stupid washer. No wonder I haven't been writing many blogs--I've been down in the basement with the "stuck on 11" washer.

Thank the baby Jesus--the wife finally acquiesced and purchased a new washer and dryer today!!! (I thought we only needed a washer, but when it comes to appliances, there is some rule that they need to match. Who knew?) I should probably have taken the wife out to dinner, considering how happy this news made me. She could have purchased me a washboard and I would have been happy. I no longer have to hate the number eleven, I can have t-shirts that aren't tangled beyond repair, I won't have washer-induced holes in my clothes. I can do my laundry without wasting an hour of my life arguing with the machine. The new machine will arrive on Monday, so I will have one more load of wash to do in the Oprah Machine. I may take a video of it so I can post it here. I want to savor every moment of angst, frustration, agitation during that last load.

It's not Oprah's fault but it's hard not to blame her when I think of my Madonna t-shirt. Dang it, Oprah! It was a brand new, fresh from the concert t-shirt.

Huh. I wonder what Madonna's favorite washing machine is? I mean, she must do her own laundry. Right?
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Rest in pieces, Neptune TL. Rest in pieces.
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Saturday, March 01, 2014

Vigorous Jazz Hands for Humanity

An avid Addiverse fan wrote in to alert me it had been one week and five days since my last blog. Okay, okay--my mother emailed me and inquired about my silence.

Um, I've been busy. Very busy. Well, I THINK I've been busy. Have I been busy? This is a question to ponder. What HAVE I been doing for the past 12 days?

Well, since it is the third snowiest winter of this town's recorded weather history, I've been shoveling. Like everyone in northern Illinois (and like I've whined about in a couple of blogs just a few entries ago), I've been shoveling and I've been shoveling. Did I mention I've been shoveling? Heck, right before coming in to write this blog, I was....

.....that's right: shoveling.

Doesn't Mother Nature know it's March 1st and it's not supposed to snowing like this? That it shouldn't be below zero AGAIN? That those little crocus should be peeking out?

I've spent a lot of time wondering where to put all the snow--it's gotta go somewhere and I've run out of places to put it. I spend a lot of time trying to keep the dogs' potty area suitable for use.
Yes, that is a photo of Freckles pooping. If you zoom in, you can see the poop just about to exit the building. Dropping the kids off at the pool.

I've made it a priority to practice "safe walking" as part of this end of winter snow show:
Dang. My yaks de tracks are nothing in comparison to a certain sister warrior princess:
If I were you, I would NOT mess with her or her shoes. 

Of course, I just posted a photo of her foot without asking, so I guess I'm messing with her. Perhaps I should think twice. I don't think my yak tracks can outrun her spikes of doom. Argo, your spikes are blog worthy. I couldn't help myself.

I have to admit that I have been doing a lot more than shoveling...for instance, I just learned about birthday-cake-flavored Oreos:
 Someone should win a Nobel prize for inventing those things. Genius. Terrible for you, chemically-laden but genius. I had to step away from the bag lest I consume the entire package in one sitting. I think I now have a shelf life of 20 years.

I've been keeping an eye on the gay marriage saga in Illinois. Gay marriage is legal as of June 1, 2014 yet that "wait until June 1st" thing has now been challenged in Cook County. Those sassy Chicagoans are already getting gay-ly married. This means that the wife and I could at this very moment go to Cook County and get gay-ly married, June 1st be damned. Doing so would dissolve our civil union right on the spot--BAM!--which is kind of mind boggling in itself. Of course, I'm not sure this "get married before the law goes into effect" is a good idea and I'm not sure dissolving a civil union is wise--after all, as of June 1st, we can "upgrade" our civil union--for free--to a marriage and the date of the marriage is retroactive to the civil union date. How 'bout them apples? Our marriage date, as secured in 2014, will be in 2011.

You think that hurts your head? I'm sure it really hurts the noggin of the director of human resources at my place of employment. I mean, if you have to alert Human Resources of a qualifying date--which a marriage most certainly is--within a specific time frame (usually 30 days), how do you do that if the qualifying date is actually in 2011, even though it's 2014? Think about that. What a great technicality for all those HR directors! "I'm sorry, you missed the window of opportunity for the qualifying event." Or, how about if we go get married in Cook County before the June 1st deadline--couldn't HR say that the marriage isn't technically legal and thus no qualifying event has transpired?

Don't even get started with the whole federal level thing. HR could come back and argue that gay marriage really isn't legal in the eye of the Federal government and thus they do not have to offer my spouse coverage even though they would provide a straight employee's spouse coverage with no questions asked. Think I'm kidding? I'm not. Insurance is an evil game.

I'm thinking the best option might be to get a civil union divorce and then get married after June 1st. How bizarre would that be? I'm not sure HR could argue against that but they most assuredly will. I see an argument or five in my future about all this. And, I see some emails flying from the wife's computer. She is understandably not a happy camper. Who can blame her? My peers get insurance with no question asked and we have to fight and claw and still get denied. Someone pass me an Oreo. STAT!

I learned a new party game: Cards Against Humanity. It is absolutely, positively the most politically incorrect game I've played in a long time....inhumane to the nth degree....yet, I've never laughed so hard while playing a game. I don't think it's a game you'd bring out to play unless you were sure of your audience--I mean, there are times it's even hard to read aloud what the card says. Let me give you a peek into the cards I was holding in my hand:
Told you.

Best news since I've been away? Between shoveling, watching all 13 episodes of "Orange is the New Black" in a week, pinning stupid pins of this or that, stewing about insurance and playing a sophomoric card game most assuredly created by some drunk guys in college....The best news is that....

I found Jesus.
I didn't even know he was missing.

And THAT is what I've been doing. 
'Nuf said.
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