From the Addiverse Sinister Minister Department: After leading a kick-ass service for the wife's sister just a few weeks back, I am sad to say that my next gig--yesterday--did not fare as well; in fact, I would say I crashed and burned. Like an athlete who looks back on the tapes to see how he/she can improve overall performance, I took a look at my own mental tape to see where things went amiss.
Before reviewing the tape, I remind myself to only include variables I can address or control. For instance, the wedding was on the banks of a busy river. There is nothing I could do about the Rolling Stones cover band playing a concert across the river. (Lesson to all: the Rolling Stones will ALWAYS drown out a harpist playing Ave Maria.) I can't control the weather, the position of the sun or the pontoon boat floating down the river playing nasty rap songs. (What kind of pontooners play rap? Shouldn't they be playing Little Big Town?) But, there are a lot of things I can--and didn't--control. Live and learn.
I think one of the most ironic thing about this whole sub-par performance is that the mother of the bride asked me, "Aren't you nervous?" before the ceremony began. I certainly was not and told her so. She asked, "Don't you ever get nervous when doing weddings?" Again, I told her no, because it's true--it doesn't make me nervous.
You bet your ass I'll be nervous before the next wedding I perform. Thanks for nothing.
So, what did I learn, you ask?
(1) I need to get new glasses, preferably ones that will stay in place when I look down to read the script. It was 90 degrees and I was standing directly facing the sun, so I knew I would sweat. What I failed to realize is that the glasses I currently wear tend not to hang on when I look down. They hang on even less when I am sweating and looking down. Those of you who know me know that I am quite blind without my spectaculars, so worrying about said glasses falling off my face threw me off my game. I spent more time hoping to the baby Jesus that my glasses wouldn't tumble to the ground. It was awful. I suppose I could have worn one of those wrap-around things that hold glasses in place (Croakies?) but that would've been tacky, even if they matched my outfit. New glasses. New glasses are my top priority right now.
(2) Practice with a mike stand. Due to the size or location of the previous weddings I've performed, I've never had to use a mike stand before. Mikes, yes. Mike and stand, no. I didn't think this would be a problem but it was--with my glasses falling down, I had to put the book in front of the mike stand--holding it there helped me not have to look so far down and thus gave me a chance to keep my glasses perched somewhere on my face. Holding it there unfortunately meant some of the words were behind the stand, so I couldn't read/see full sentences. Since I had to edit the script at the last minute (taking out all that religious stuff), it was already tough enough. It was awful.
(3) Get the reader's name right and write it down. Geez, I asked her before the service how to pronounce her last name. I practiced it three times but didn't write it down the way it is pronounced.I figured I'd remember it. I introduce her, I mangled it beyond recognition.
(4) Try to get the vows right. After all, they are repeating exactly what I say. I was tongue-tied, distracted by the Rolling Stones, praying my glasses wouldn't fall off and dripping sweat between my legs. Despite this, I should be able to get the vows correct--preferably in complete English sentences. You know it's not good when the bride gives a confused look and then gets it right, after I got it wrong. Sigh.
(5) Keep the gum. I chew gum every waking moment of my life--I have terminal dry mouth and I hate it. Even when public speaking and with water available, I chew gum. I'm pretty good at it and even though it's rather tacky, I chew it. Well, for the ceremony I spit my gum out at the last minute. I have no idea why, but I did. Bad idea. My mouth was drier than the Mojave Desert. I couldn't have made spit if you paid me a million dollars. So now, my glasses are slipping off, I can't see some of the words, I just made up jumbled vows and I can't enunciate words because I have not one drop of spit.
I am now terrified that I have a bunch of white gunk collecting in the corners of my mouth, distracting me further from my mission.
Gum. Shoulda kept the gum. Shoulda got new glasses. Shoulda written down the name phonetically.
(6) Go with the original plan and demand the harpist sit in the front of the congregation, not way in the back. The Rolling Stones cover band gave us pause for thought. While setting up, the harpist and I noticed that when the wind would blow, the band would be very loud and drown out the harp. (Even when the wind wasn't blowing, they were pretty loud. Thank god they were good.) The plan was to have her in the front, near me, with her amp facing the crowd. She decided that it would be better if she stayed in the back and use her amp to shove her sound toward the event from the back. Well, she went to the WAY back and I'm not sure anyone could hear her except for the people processing, as they had to walk right by her. The rest of the time, not so much. I announced, "and now we will have a moment of silent meditation to honor those who couldn't be here today..." and she starts playing Ave Maria, as scheduled. The problem? All we could hear is "Can't get No Satisfaction" from the Stones cover band. The bride starts laughing, the groom starts laughing, I start laughing. After a minute, I decide enough is enough and I cut the meditation. The harpist can hear me but I can't see or hear her. I just start talking even though I know she is not done. I'm sure she wasn't very entertained by being cut short on her solo.
Some things did go correctly and they still did get legally married, so that's gotta count for something. The mother of the bride looked beautiful, the dad was bursting with pride, the bride looked amazing, the groom looks super-handsome (even through the dripping sweat--it's hard to wear a full suit, long sleeved shirt and vest in 90 degrees), no one passed out or puked.
As for the cover band? They stopped playing literally the minute the wedding ended. I kid you not.
Grist for the mill. That's what yesterday was. Grist for the mill. Glasses, gum, names, grist.
I think the Bride and groom got a wedding they will never forget. I know I won't. I know I will think of them every time I hear the Rolling Stones......
....I just hope they don't make "Can't Get No Satisfaction" their new song.
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