.......or, if to get married if there is no financial gain to be had.
Screw romance. Show me the money. We are too old to be worried about all that love nonsense. We want to get married if it brings us financial gain. Well, and because we can. Money and ability. Win-win.
(I wish I were kidding but I am not. The first thing the wife said to me was, "will we benefit financially?")
When it comes to marriage, the wife and I are in no-man's land (no pun intended, but that's pretty funny). Illinois has civil unions, not gay marriages. I've been talking aloud to myself a lot lately in regards to this topic. Here's what I've had to say:
Me: The wife and I are officially civilized in the Illinois fashion, meaning that the State recognizes us as a couple and taxes us as a couple. Right?
Me too: Right.
Me: Although the wife and I are civilized in the Illinois fashion, the Federal Government and my work place do not identify us as a couple, so they don't tax us as a couple nor are we afforded insurance or various benefits like the married straights are afforded.
Me Too: True. Damned straight people.
Me: Now, now. Don't start with the "angry insurance" thinking and it's not straight people to blame.
Me Too: Well, it pisses me off.
Me: Uh huh.
Me Too: Our delicious civil union is not considered a gay marriage anywhere; hence, when we go to Iowa, we are nothing.
Me: Well, we're something. We're just not married.
Me Too: If someone married in Iowa comes to Illinois, their marriage is considered a civil union when in the Land of Lincoln, even though they are still married in Iowa.
Me: Yup. And, if we as flat-landers go to Iowa and get married, we are legally married in Iowa but not in Illinois.
Me too: Exactly. But, if we go to Iowa and get married, then go to Minnesota, we are still married.
Me: Do we have to get divorced in Illinois before getting married in Iowa?
Me too: Huh. I dunno. If we don't get a divorce from our civil union but go ahead and get married in Iowa, are we bigamists?
Me: What if we go to Iowa and get married, then come back to Illinois and then Illinois passes gay marriage, are we still married, double married or illegally married?
Me too: Wait. Does this mean we will have our old "anniversary" date, a civil union date and a marriage date? And potentially a marriage-marriage date?
Me: Are there gifts involved?
Me too: No.
Me: When, then who cares?
Me too: I do. I can't keep track of all these dates. I'm peri-menopausal. I can barely remember whom I am talking to.
Me: So, if we wait and Illinois passes gay marriage in November, we will automatically be married?
Me too: No.
Me: No?
Me too: No. We have a year to get a marriage license for free. We remain civil unioned unless we take action to get a marriage license.
Me: Will civil unions remain in Illinois if gay marriage passes?
Me too: I guess so.
Me: So, we could keep our civil union, be taxed as a couple in Illinois and taxed as single on the Federal level?
Me Too: I think so.
Me: If we get married in a State like Iowa or Minnesota, meaning we are then married in the eyes of the Federal government but NOT in they eyes of the State of Illinois, does my Illinois employer have to respect our marriage?
Me Too: I have no idea. Probably not, the rat bastards.
Me: Soooo, maybe we wait until November, see what Illinois does and if Illinois doesn't pass gay marriage, we go to Iowa or Minnesota and get married.
Me Too: What are the benefits of hurrying to get married if it's not legal in Illinois and my employer won't honor the marriage, anyways?
Me: I'm still stuck on the do-we-need-a-civil-union-divorce thing.
Me too: Did you know if we get married in Iowa and then need to get divorced, one or both of us have to live in Iowa for one year before we can legally get divorced?
Me: You're shitting me.
Me too: I am not.
Me: That's ridiculous. I don't want to live in Iowa.
Me too: Well, I don't want to get divorced.
Me: Maybe that would be good incentive to stayed married.
Me too: Works for me.
Me: The good thing about Iowa is that you can apply for a marriage license by marriage.
Me too: That's not very romantic.
Me: Do I have to remind you of how romantic it was of me to high-five the wife when getting the civil union license?
Me Too: True. Mail order works for me.
Me: We don't have to be a resident in Iowa or Minnesota to get married, so that's a good thing.
Me Too: Do we have to establish residency in Minnesota in order to get divorced?
Me: You getting divorced?
Me Too: One must consider all the options.
Me: We're not even married yet and you're divorcing me?
Me Too: Ummm, no.
Me: We have to apply in person for a Minnesota license and then wait for five days.
Me too: We don't have time for that.
Me: So, we wait for Illinois and see what happens.
Me too: Agreed.
Me: Do we have a ceremony if that happens?
Me too: Do we have to?
Me: No.
Me too: Then, I say no.
Me: It's really, really, really hard to wait until November.
Me Too: It's already September. You can make it.
Me: I will focus on football until November.
Me Too: Perfect. Football it is.
Me: Hey, speaking of which, if we get legally married in Iowa and we're civil unionized in Illinois, what are we when we go to Wisconsin?
Me Too: Cheeseheads.
Me: Married cheeseheads?
Me Too: No.
Me: Civilized cheeseheads?
Me Too: No.
Me: Heathen cheeseheads?
Me Too: Maybe.
Me: Illegal cheeseheads?
Me Too: Yes.
Me: Football-loving cheeseheads?
Me too: Of course.
Me: Since we can't be married in Wisconsin and we can't get civilized there and as they don't recognize those kind of things anyways, we don't have to worry about getting divorced there.
Me too: Exactly.
And so, we will have to wait to see what Illinois does to learn what we will do. I am really lousy at waiting but I don't want to be non-married while living at home. In the mean time, I'm going to watch football, worry about my fantasy football teams and continue my research.
Anyone know where I can get an "I'm a bigamist" t-shirt? One can never be too prepared.
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