Courtesy warning: if you have experienced a recent loss or anticipate you are going to have a significant loss in your life, or if you in the middle of a end-of-winter-depressive bout, you might want to skip this blog. I try never to send potential readers scurrying anywhere but to my blog, but in this case I do believe it is appropriate to give you fair warning.
Yesterday morning, a terrible thing happened: a dear friend's husband unexpectedly passed away. The details of his death aren't particularly necessary for the story, so I'll leave it at he died at home without warning or reason. Just like that, he was sucked off the planet by whatever force of nature you choose to believe in.
Gone. Just a shell of where a man used to be.
I am going to call him "The Sun singer" for blogging purposes. Those who knew him understand why.
He was a good man, a loving father, a wonderful dad, a health-conscious athlete with a passion for outdoor activities. He was "good people," as they say, the kind of guy that would get out of his truck in four lanes of traffic and hold everything up so a family of ducks could cross the four-lane road. Humble, and hard-working, it's kinda hard to think of anything negative to say about him or his way of being. We have some pretty funny stories about times we spent with The Sun Singer and his family, some of which I am sure have found their way into a blog or two of old.
If you've never been "there" when someone dies unexpectedly, let me assure you it is a whirlwind of ridiculousness. There is no time to breath or grasp what is going on or even have a coherent thought--you are just pushed along for the ride. It's all business, whether you are ready or not. Do not look for compassion--look for all the answers you are demanded to provide. Our friend was bombarded with questions--everything from organ "harvesting" to if she wanted to have the services at the church so the church ladies could serve cake. The funeral home is number one in line in the priority list as they can't "release the body" until they have somewhere to take "it."
Release the body. Can you imagine? Your husband has dropped dead in your home, he is pronounced dead upon arrival and before you can even gasp, they start talking about funeral homes and "releasing the body." Although there are no words we can say to The Sun Singer's wife and daughter which convey our recognition of the loss they are experiencing, we know better than to talk about releasing the body and if church ladies should serve cake.
Our system sucks.
Last night, less than 12 hours after The Sun Singer's passing, a gaggle of us gathered in their home, hoping to bring one shred of comfort to The Sun Singer's wife and child, to show support and love, to share jello salads from unknown neighbors. Between the tears, we had some pretty good laughs and a whole bunch of naughty food, brought to the home by good baking-abled-Samaritans. From cookies to dips, it was a veritable feast designed to drown sadness & demonstrate support in a tangible manner.
Lest we all roll into a little fetal ball of depression, I want to share two things to brighten things up a wee bit: (1) I have been asked to lead the "Celebration of Life," which is an incredible honor & the least I can do. If that doesn't make you at least giggle, you obviously don't know me. This ordained minister thing is turning into a real gig. I prefer weddings, but ya gotta take the good with the bad. I figure it will be just fine as my "job" is to be more of a Master of Ceremonies (the Sun Singer's wife description of what she is looking for from me) than some holy-fied internet minister. This will indeed be a celebration, come hell or high water, I assure you. (2) We will be eating ice cream and M&Ms at the celebration, as those were his two special treats. For someone who had over-the-top healthy eating habits, it is fun to learn he had these two vices. Nothing says celebration like ice cream and M&Ms.
As for the wife and me, we've been flummoxed by this whole ordeal, for many reasons. First, it just doesn't make sense--it doesn't register. Second, this guy was the picture of health--a young man filled with organic foods and healthy habits. I cannot convey to you how healthy this guy was. On the way home from visiting the Sun Singer's wife and daughter, the wife said, "See? That's why we should eat what we want and do what we want to do. You eat all this healthy food and you work out and then get hit by a bus or drop dead. What good did it do you?" Third, we want to help but we don't want to overstep boundaries or impose on need for personal space. None of us are well versed in this. The invention of texting makes this much easier, as it isn't as intrusive to text as to call. (Actually, we text to see if we can call. What a weird world in which we live.)
The Sun Singer and his wife weren't prepared for this (not like anyone ever is)--reminding the wife and me of how important it is to sit down and write all our thoughts down. We "know" or we think we know but if it's not written down, how do we really know? And, if we know now, will we still know what we know and be able convey what we know at a time such as this? I think not. Guess what we'll be doing this this weekend?
I really did have Oreos in my cereal at breakfast this morning. I poured the cereal into the bowl, crushed up a bunch of Oreos and sprinkled them over the cereal and the drown the concoction in milk. (Almond milk. Sigh. Had we whole milk, I would have used it.) It was orgasmic. I then had ice cream for lunch. I did this because life is short, because I can and in honor of the Sun Singer. His favorite flavor was vanilla--how was I to say "no" to a bowl of vanilla ice cream? I couldn't and I didn't.
I plan on having Oreos in my cereal again tomorrow. I can worry about eating something green and leafy later in the day, after the wife and I write down our wishes. Trust me, I'll have ice cream with dinner, too. After all, life is short. Besides, ice cream celebrates the Sun Singer. I will hold up my spoon and celebrate all the laughs and fun and memories.
The Sun Singer would like that.
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