Today is a very special day in the Addiverse: we are getting a new toilet! As a purveyor of poop and a lover of all things that flush, I can't tell you how exciting this is.
We've been re-doing the re-do of the bathroom, thanks to the installers of the moronic type installed our tile flooring several years ago. Don't even get me started about this. I suppose I should celebrate their incompetence, seeing as I'm getting a new toilet now that we are re-doing the re-do.
(Side note: "Getting a new toilet" sounds like they are giving us one. This is not what I mean. We purchased the new beauty. I refuse to give one ounce of credit to those morons. Bitter, party of one!)
Our current toilets are original to the house. Since we've been here 18 years, those are 18 year old toilets. I never thought about how toilets might change in 18 years...well, not until the wife started doing research. Oh my, we have been ruining the planet with all that water we've been flushing away. Today's toilets have all sorts of features--less water, more power, higher seat, different shapes, two flush types per one toilet, gravity flush vs. power flush--it's been quite the educational experience. You can spend a lot of money on a toilet, which I suppose is an okay thing, considering we all have to use a toilet at least once a day. (I assume all of us in the United States use a toilet more than once a day, but we'll go with that.)
The wife did all sorts of research about toilets. The only time my interest really perked up was when she started reading reviews that talked about "skid marks." Flushing power and skid marks. Who knew? This made me triply excited about the new toilet. I can't wait to give that baby a try. Of course, I have to wait for it to be installed today AND I have to wait until my next poop, which could be anywhere from the next five minutes to the next five days. I will be taking photos of the toilet and it's flushing potential, so fear not--you will not miss one minute of my potty humor. I got a new camera yesterday (I dropped my previous one so many times that the batteries kept falling out, it only took blurry photos and the casing was cracked), so I know photos won't be a problem. (I chose the new camera by shutter speed. That has to be something like flushing power.)
I'm a little worried about the wife in relation to the new throne as she is short and the toilet is tall. I imagine her feet will be dangling when in use. This is not conducive to good pooping. She's gonna need a step stool. (Ha! I crack myself up--a step stool! Just a little potty humor there.)
Since new toilets are rather pricey, I plan on talking about our new toilet a lot. It's in the bathroom most people don't see (the "master bedroom bathroom"), so I may have to take people in there on a tour to make sure everyone gets to enjoy our new purchase. Besides, it is important in our home that you use THIS new toilet, not the other bathroom's old toilet, as that is our "non-pooping bathroom." If you want to poop at our house and plan on doing more than just dropping a few little kids at the pool, you'll need to use the new toilet.
The new floor, which led to the new toilet, which led to the new light fixture, which led to the new hardware, truly is a "while we're at it" kind of project. While we are at it, the wife is getting the bathroom painted (along with the master bedroom, by some guy who actually knows how to pain, unlike me) and, while we're at it, new towels in the new color scheme are ready to go. Last night, I had a sudden flash of wonder about the mirror, because that would be the perfect culmination of the while we're at it process, but quickly bashed my head into a wall so I would stop making this "while we're at it" project getting any bigger.
So, here's to good flushing power, a comfortable, high seat with the soft-close cushioned lid, less water waste and the end of the skid mark.
Photos. We need photos. Let the pooping begin!
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