Vicki's Secret Angel

The majority of you may not know that I have NEVER, EVER stepped foot into those pink-flavored Vicki's Secret stores.  NEVER.  I figure I've made it 50 years without going into one, what's the point of starting now?  I've walked by them at the mall but I have never crossed the threshold into the land of panties and under wires.  The whole thing makes me nervous.  I'm not kidding. Obviously, one can live quite thoroughly and happily without ever stepping into a Vicki's pink pantie party, so this has not been a problem...

....then, I drew the wife's sister's name for the family Christmas exchange. My excitement of getting her name was quickly tempered when I saw the top of her list: she was asking for a sweatshirt specifically from that Vicki's Secret place.   Just reading that made me sweat.  I was going to have to expand my horizons.  This meant I would have to take drastic measures.  I was going to have to employ a professional.

I called on MJagger.

MJagger is the queen of the Pink Vicki.  She drips in that stuff.  I knew she would help me not only succeed in my mission to secure the perfect gift but she'd also respect the terror I would feel upon my virginal trip to her Mecca.

Me: So, will you go to the mall and help me get this gift?

MJagger: What does she want?

Me: A pink sweatshirt.

MJagger: A PINK sweatshirt or a pink sweatshirt?

Me: Huh?

MJagger: does she want the brand Pink or an actual pink sweatshirt?

Me: Blank stare.  Um, I dunno.  This is what is says--medium pink sweatshirt from Vicki's Secret.

MJagger: Well, you need to know which it is she wants.

Me: I guess we should go with a pink Pink sweatshirt.  That covers all bases.

We went to the mall during our lunch our.  MJagger drove as I was rather terrified and on the verge of hyperventilation. Once parked, MJagger pointed me in the right direction.  With a decisive stride and purse in hand, she took me to her home.  I dragged behind, keeping my eyes on the ground and my hands shoved in my pockets.  I took a gulp of air and....

.....I entered the store of which I had yet to ever enter.

Dear god, it was an explosion of pink.  I followed MJagger, eyes not looking anywhere but at the back of her coat.  She stopped abruptly, held up a pink Pink sweatshirt and asked me what I thought.  It looked normal enough, it was pink, it was medium.  Sold.  I asked no questions.  I did not ask to see other sweatshirts.  I just wanted out of that store.  I said it was perfect and asked where we paid.

It was at that point MJagger took a good look at me.  "You really haven't ever been in one of these stores, have you?" I shook my head "no," assuring her this was my virginal experience.  Even though she knew this, seeing my reaction confirmed that I hadn't been kidding.  I didn't even know where the registers were located.

I think I made her day.

Going to the registers was like bellying up to the bowels of lingerie hell.  I looked up to see where I would need to pay. The four salespeople working the counter were all wearing tape measures (STAY.AWAY.FROM.ME WITH THOSE THINGS!), were beautiful and had big.....blue eyes.  Behind them were giant photos of models demonstrating the magical powers of the Vicki Secret specialties. I turned to look at MJagger and noticed I was surrounded by photo after photo of scantily-clad models.  I couldn't see the front of the store.  MJagger pushed me toward the counter so I could pay.

Well, I was befuckled beyond measure.  I just wanted to pay and get out.  The lady asked me if I wanted a gift bag and gift receipt.  I kept my eyes on the counter and nodded yes.  She asked me if I had found what I was looking for.  I again nodded yes but remained speechless.  She then asked if I had an Angel card.  I looked up, quizzically and then turned to MJagger.  I asked, "you have an Angel card, don't you?" She had a REALLY confused look on her face.  She slowly nodded yes. I said, "Well, let me use it." I stuck out my hand and waited.  She slowly opened her purse, all the time with this weird look on her face. I knew she looked confused but I figured she was just so surprised that I actually would be considerate enough to "let" her get points for my purchase....

See, I thought an Angel card was like one of those reward cards.  You know, those credit-card looking cards that they are always asking if we have when we approach the check out.  I have them for pet stores, drug stores, bagel shops, sandwich shops.  I thought I was getting her bonus points toward getting some free underwear.  She handed me the pink rewards card and I handed it to the cashier.  I pulled out my charge card as the lady handed the Angel card back to me....

....Imagine my surprise to learn that an Angel card is a CREDIT CARD, NOT a rewards card.  I just demanded my friend to let me use her credit card.

I.was.mortified.

It was too late.  The transition was complete.  I stood there feeling like the biggest ass on the planet. Why MJagger said nothing, I do not know. I wish she would have barked out, "hey asswipe, use your own charge card."  I blame the lace and under wire madness.....

I didn't catch on to what happened until the pink bag with the pink tissue paper with the pink handle with the pink Pink sweatshirt was being handed to me.

I took my pink bag with the pink tissue with the pink handle with the pink Pink sweatshirt and skulked out the door.  I wasn't sure what the hell I could possibly say that would explain demanding of her Angel card or how she had just paid for my Christmas gift purchase.  I am sure I muttered out a few words but they probably weren't in the English language and they certainly didn't convey my thought process.

I'm not sure MJagger will go shopping with me again for a long, long time.

Well, not at least until her charge card bill has been paid.