I am sure my mom will find it a very positive sign that I am here to write this blog.  Just 48 short hours ago, my continued existence was tentative.  Well, at least in my opinion it was tentative.....

As I had elected to work for three hours on a holiday, I decided to reward myself with a little tasty frozen tidbit once I had completed the tasks at hand.  I thought holiday pay should involve up-scale frozen products, so I drove to across town to enjoy a bowl of "healthy" frozen yogurt--at the place in town named after a scarlet fruit (that's all I'm saying--no names here).  I was giddy with delight as I approached the building, as I hadn't had a bowl of this stuff in many months.  Member's card in hand, I entered the building, knocking virgin scarlet fruits out of the way (meaning: people who had never been there who were IN.MY.WAY).  I grabbed my bowl and bellied up to the bar--er, I mean the row of yogurt machines and considered my options.....

If you've never visited a scarlet fruit place, you don't know what you're missing.  You get to make your own yogurt sundae--mix and match as you please.  I think there are ten flavors to chose from--I'm usually too excited to be there that I've never really counted.  After you fill your bowl with whatever yogurts you want, you head to the topping bar, which is filled with just about anything you can think of that would be acceptable to sprinkle on a sundae.  Fruit, candy, cookies, syrups, nut-like products...even carob! They charge you buy weight, so the bigger the sundae, the more you pay.  (Trust me when I say this is an expensive endeavor for me.)  I usually opt for things like blueberries (that's so I can say I was healthy), carob chips (for no known reason other than I actually enjoy them in some sadistic way) and cookie products. 

I started with the "original" flavor, as it's one of my favorites--tart, clean, healthy-tasting. As I approached the machine, I remember thinking how clean it smelled in the place.  Remember this, as it will be important in just a few seconds.  I took a tug on the handle and the yogurt slowly oozed out.  As I was standing there, I thought more about the clean smell, as now I realized it was the smell of sanitation--I know this because I have my food service sanitation blessing and because I spent two years of sheer torture worrying about kitchen safety.  I thought, "how great is it that they are keeping the machines clean, considering the flu that is going around."  I moved down the row, deciding to keep it simple today: just two flavors.  I then kept it even simpler, opting for only blueberries and some chocolate chip cookie dough. 

While I was waiting for the virgin scarlet fruits to get out of my way, I scratched my nose....and thought, wow--that's pretty powerful stuff."  My hand smelled like cleaning product, which I attributed to the freshly clean yogurt machine handle.  I paid for my yogurt, got in the car, drove away and started eating while driving (a sin almost as bad as texting while driving, if you ask me).  I couldn't wait but I had to get home to let the dogs out.

My first bite wasn't pleasant--it was confusingly chemical laced.  Eyes on the road, spoon in my hand, I took another bite.  Ugh.  Chemicals.  I am sure I am tasting chemicals.  This makes no sense, so I take another bite.... 

Of course I do.  This stuff is expensive.  You think I'm not going to eat it because of a little chemical taste?  This bite makes my nose turn up.  I realize it is the smell and taste of food grade sanitizer.  I realize that my yogurt has somehow been tainted with cleaning products.

Instead of turning around (I was almost home) and instead of not eating any more, I ate more.  I told you, I'm cheap and I was really looking forward to this stuff. I'm not ashamed to say I ate the whole thing.  I was really glad the place was doing their part to keep customers safe with their clean machines....my thinking was that food grade sanitizer couldn't kill me.

Could it?

I ate that whole damn bowl of chemically enhanced frozen yogurt and then smelled the empty bowl to make sure I wasn't imagining things.

I wasn't.

That's when "the chemical burps" started.  I am here to tell you there is NOTHING quite like a chemical burp.  "Yup, that's sanitizer."  It tasted much worse coming out than it did going in--and, that's not saying much.  I decided I best call the store and see if they could tell me what exactly I had just eaten.

Now, think about this: I am going to call a yogurt store run by 12 year olds and tell them I just ate an entire bowl of their product despite it tasting like it was doused in cleaning solution.  What do you think they are going to think when I make this claim?

Me: Hi.  I was just at your place--I think it was 11:40 am.  I'm calling because my yogurt taste like cleaning products and I'm wondering what you use to clean your yogurt machine.

Yo-guy:  (silence)

Me: I know that sounds crazy, but my [flavor] yogurt tasted like sanitizer.

Yo-guy: Bring it back and we'll give you a new bowl of yogurt.  We'll take care of you.

Me: No, no--I'm not looking for anything free.  I just want to know what kind of cleaning solution you use.  I just want to make sure I am not going to die.

(I swear to you, I used that exact statement.)

Yo-guy: Bring your yogurt back--

Me: No, you don't understand.  I ate the whole thing.  Definitely sanitizer.  Do you know what is in the product you use? (I was going to ask for MSDS information but figured he wouldn't know what the hell I was talking about.)  I just want to know what it in it so I can figure out if I need medical attention or if I'm going to die from eating this.

Yo-guy: We clean our machines every morning with a sanitizer and some water.  We clean them out thoroughly.  There isn't any sanitizer in your yogurt.

Me: But, what DO you use? What's in it?

Yo-guy: Let me get your name and take care of you.  What's your name? Next time you come in, I'll make sure you get some yogurt.  I've got these dollar off coupons, too."

Me: Seriously.  Am I going to die or not?

Yo-guy: Look, I've already cleared $600 in business today and not one other customer has had a complaint. You're the only one.  When you stop in, I'll set you uup.

Me: So, you're not going to tell me what I just ate? You are not going to reassure me that I'm not going to die, are you?  I don't want anything from you--just the product name.

I could tell the guy thought I was just after some free yogurt or a lawsuit.  I wasn't interested in either.  I just wanted a list of chemicals.

As the burping was getting worse, I took matters in my own hands: I called my parents.

Now, most of you would NOT want to call your parents in such a situation, but my parents owned their own yogurt business many a year ago and I figured they would be able to tell me if I was going to die or not.  Besides, my father has worked in food service all his life AND he still works in the business.  He's practically married to sanitation products.  My father asked me several questions, all of which confirmed my wise decision to call him instead of some stupid corporate office.  I was feeling relieved already (well, besides the chemical burps and little shred of terror that I was going to die).  He explained how they probably did cleaned the machine in the morning and just didn't rinse it out as required.  Besides encouraging me to flush the stuff out of me (lots of water, I am picturing, although at this point, flushing myself with beer came to mind), his answer to combat certain doom from yogurt poisoning was:

"Eat some pizza."

How can you not love someone who tells you to eat some pizza in the face of certain doom?

Well, there were many other words of wisdom in there but I glommed on to the pizza suggestion.  I wondered to myself if Mexican food would work, as that is what I planned on eating for lunch (you didn't think that yogurt was my lunch, did you? That was just the warm up act).  My parents didn't seem to think I was going to die, didn't tell me to call an ambulance or anything like that...and, so I felt quite relieved.  I thanked them for their parenting-and-food-service-expertise and went on with my day, chemical burps and all.

My advice to you?  

If something tastes like chemicals, you should not eat it. 

Who the hell eats an entire bowl of something that tastes like cleaning fluid?  I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't done it myself. No wonder that 12 year old manager didn't take me seriously one bit.

My advice to you if you DO eat something that tastes like chemicals? Call my parents.  They are food service experts, waiting to help.  Obviously they know what they are talking about, as I am still here to type this blog and I don't think I am any worse for the wear. 

I am fresh and pretty and sanitized, inside and out. Perfect for cold and flu season!

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to eat scarlet fruit yogurt ever again.  If/when I do, I will wait til the end of the day so the machines have had time to dispense all the chemical-laden yogurt by the time I get there.