Freeze Frame

I had a sobering event this week at work.  All staff were asked to have new photo I.D.s taken, so I meandered my way down to the office and smiled pretty for the camera.  The lady snapped my photo and went off to make my new name badge.  I didn't think too much about it, as I was mighty pleased with my wardrobe choice of the day and my hair was looking better than not. I also had my new glasses on, so I was ready for my close up.  I don't mind having my photo taken and they usually turn out okay--I've even had good luck with my driver's license photos, so no worries for me.

Imagine my surprise when I picked up my new name badge that was lurking in my mailbox....and, found what I considered to be a god-awful photo.  I was beside myself. Who the hell was this person in this photo? I zipped down to MJagger's office and waved my name badge in the air, ragging about how much I hated the photo as I waved it in her face.  I made it quite clear that I was not happy about how bad I looked.  I yipped and yapped and bitched and moaned....MJagger finally had enough and grabbed the name badge from me:

MJagger: Let me see that thing.

Me: It's awful! I don't think I've ever taken a worse photo.

MJagger: It's a good photo.  What are you talking about?

Me: I'm not wearing that thing! That's a horrible picture! Look at my glasses.  It makes me look like I have a peanut head.

MJagger: You have a peanut head.

Me: You know what I mean!  It looks more peanut-y with those lenses distorting everything.  See?

MJagger:  Mmmm.  Yeah, I guess.  I see what you're talking about.  That's how you look, tho.  There's nothing wrong with that picture.

Me: Well, I'm not wearing this.  I am going upstairs to demand a new photo!  (pause)  I look like this?

MJagger: Yeah, you look like that.  That's a good photo.

Me: I'm not wearing this. UGH!

I marched up the stairs, muttering the whole way.  When I got to the office, I held out my badge and loudly expressed my dislike of the photo:

Me: I can't wear this! Look at this photo.  It's terrible!  Please--I'm begging you.  Let me take another photo.

Office lady: That's a nice picture. 

Me: It's horrible!

Office Lady: Let me see that.  (Looks at name badge.) That's not bad at all.  You should see some of them.  Mine is horrid.

Me: Please--I'll do whatever you want.  Just take another photo.

Office Lady:  Really.  There's nothing wrong with that picture.

Me:  ANYTHING! I'll do ANYTHING!  I'm not wearing this!

Office Lady: Fine.  Come over here.  I'll take your picture but there is nothing wrong with this one.

Me: thank you.  There is no way I'm wearing this one.

Flash!

I left the office feeling triumphant and much happier.  I couldn't wait to get my new name badge.

The next day, I went to my mail box and wa-la! New name badge.  I grabbed the badge, excited I wouldn't have to wear that other pathetic one......

Imagine my surprise when I looked at the photo.....

....and it looked exactly the same as the previous one.  I knew it wasn't the same photo as I had different clothes on and my hair was different.  This left me confused. Wait a minute......this looks like the other photo....I don't under---I stopped in my tracks.


This left me with the absolute truth: That is what I look like! I marched back down to MJagger's office and showed her the picture. 

Me: Do I look like this?

MJagger: [confused stare] Huh?

Me: Like this! This photo! This photo--do I look like this?

MJagger: Of course you do.  That's a nice picture.

Me: UGH! That's what I look like?

MJagger: [looking a wee bit annoyed] Yes, of course it is.

Me: Dear god, it wasn't the photo.  It was.....it was.....me!

MJagger: It looks like the other photo.  Look at mine if you want to see a bad photo.

And so, I came to realize that this is what I now look like.  This is what happens when you are 49 and 3/4 years old. 

I remember looking at one of my friends a few years back. She had just turned 50 and had always had such a youthful look.  Well, right after she turned 50, I took a long gander at her I realized she looked....well, older.  Somehow, suddenly, her skin had changed, her face had changed.  Her jaw line had changed.  Her neck had changed.  She looked her age, which stopped me in my tracks.  It was like it happened over night.  I remember being perplexed at how someone could be 49 years old and look one way and only months later look another. 

I should have paid closer attention because that, dear friends, is what has happened to me.  It's not good or bad.  It just is what it is.  It is what it is and there really is no changing it.  Well, unless you are Madonna.  Then, you can have surgery.  But really, there isn't anything else you can do. 

There is nothing like a bad driver's license photo or a true-to-life-you-are-50-work name badge photo to slap you right into reality.   Everyone sees you from the outside every day.  We don't really see ourselves.  We look from the inside out and our insides don't exactly think there has been a change on the outside.  I am here to tell you that the change on the outside sneaks up on you when you are not looking. 


I went and apologized to the office lady, admitting that the first picture was fine.  To her credit, she didn't chastise me or say anything even remotely smug. I thanked her for indulging my need in a new photo because I thought there was something wrong with the first one.

Me: I thought it was the photo....but, really it's just my face.

Office lady: Your face.  (It was not a question, but rather a statement.)

Me: Yeah, my face.  I'm sorry I made such a ruckus about the photo.  I really did think it was the photo.  It's just my face.   That's how I look.  I had no idea.  When did this happen?

Office lady: Mmmm-hmmm.  It's a nice photo.  You should see mine.

Hell, she just turned 50. She understands my pain.  Both of us are stuck staring at name badges that make no sense to us.

Maybe we should trade name badges.  At least we'd be looking at some other 50 year old.