Last Thursday night, I noticed a HUGE lump near/in/on (?) my groin area.  The size of this protrusion made it impossible to miss.  It hurt enough for me to notice but not enough for me to do anything about it.  After much fondling and staring (and scary Internet searches....never do Internet searches on medical symptoms), I decided it must be a swollen lymph node, somehow related to Larry Lump of old.  I had no other symptoms, so Larry's cousin it was. 

When Friday morning arrived, I took a tentative gander.  Yup, still there, still big enough to see from across the room, still aching enough to remind me of its presence.  I promised myself I would not touch it or look at it for the remainder of the day.  Of course, I looked at it every time I went to the bathroom and touched it every time it kinda sorta hurt.  My entire right lower abdomen was swollen.  I wondered if there was an infection from a shaving incident gone wrong, an allergic reaction to the mystery bite on my butt (see photo), an ovary overtaking my innards, a gas bubble traveling the globe.  I decided Larry's cousin was very out of control and promised myself I would go to the doctor and get some antibiotics on Monday if things didn't improve.

Note about the photo: I didn't bother copy-righting it cuz I really didn't want anyone to tell it's actually my butt. Isn't that the weirdest thing--looks like I got bit by a snake or baby vampire.  It hurts like a bitch, showed up out of nowhere. If you have ideas about what this is, let me know.  It's actually more on the hip part of my butt.  They are definitely not pimples or boils.  They never got gross like that.  The little scabs just showed up.  I didn't pick anything, I swear.  (Um, yes I have my shorts on inside out, with the pockets hanging out.  I know, I know.  That's really weird.  Call me lazy.)

Playing doctor, I felt all my areas where lymph nodes would be found--nothing was amiss. Even Larry Lump was behaving.  I haven't lost weight, I don't have night sweats, I don't have a fever, I don't have much of anything else but the bug bites and the abdominal lump.  My poop is moving.  My peeing is free flowing.  My period is like clockwork. No sore throat.  No sore anything else.  Just the uncomfortable lump swimming in the swollen abdomen.

By the time Sunday morning arrived, I knew I had to do something.  It was ridiculous.  I showed it to the wife so I would have a witness to this madness.  (I should have taken a photo.  What was I thinking???!) Search after internet search didn't suggest much of anything I wanted to hear.  While I sat at the kitchen table, I thought to myself: this best not be a god-dang hernia.


When Monday morning arrived, I decided to go to the doctor.  The lump wasn't getting any smaller or better; in fact, I thought it looked a wee bit more swollen.  Whether I wanted to know it or not,  I knew: this was a hernia.   It looked like all the photos on the web.  It met every description I read.  It made the most sense.  An inguinal hernia.  Sigh. 

How the hell did I get a hernia?  I don't do anything more strenuous than carry the ice cream container from the freezer to the kitchen table.  I don't work out.  I don't carry things.  I don't lift things.  I am not constipated.  I haven't shot out a baby.  I called the doctor and made an appointment for lunch time.

Side note: Why is it that the first thing they do at the doctor's office is weigh you?  I was not pleased to see I now weigh more than I have weighed in something like 13 years.  (Damn you, peri-menopause!) Then, they take your blood pressure.  How rude is that?  The nurse announces my blood pressure and I give her a stunned look.  What?  I tell her that is by far the highest it has ever been.  She asks if I am nervous.  I want to scream: YOU JUST WEIGHED ME! THAT'S WHY MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS SO HIGH!"

The doctor took one look at my lump and I knew she knew what it was.  She had me lay back, she had me stand up, she had me bear down.  She asked the standard questions and then announced "You have a hernia."

I laughed.

I laughed more.  In fact, I kept laughing and muttering, "I have a hernia."

She referred me to a surgeon, told me not to strain or lift things.  I left her office and thought long and hard about this.  I pushed on it, I prodded it, I pushed on it more.  Huh.  A hernia.  I did what all good people do: I called my mother.  Wouldn't you call your mother if you had a hernia?

Over the next few hours, I learned all sorts of hernia things.  I learned that the only cure for a hernia is surgery. I resigned myself to the fact that I would need surgery. 

Now comes the weird part.

Today, when I went to the bathroom I noticed......for the most part, the lump was gone.  Seriously.  The swelling was no longer noticeable.  I ran to the kitchen and showed the wife. I asked what she thought.  After telling me to stop pushing on it, she agreed that everything looked pretty much back to normal.  I was freaked out.  She kept eating dinner.

Through out the day, I peeked at my non-hernia hernia. Did I push it back in? Was it never a hernia? Do hernias go "inside" and come back out later? Do hernias actually disappear and come back? Did I heal myself? Did the baby jesus heal me? Did the venom from the snake bite work its way out? Was a giant poop, lost in the tubing of the belly? If not a hernia, what is it and where did it go? I know it was a hernia.  How could I lose a hernia?

Nothing much to see.  Nothing much to feel. Huh.  I am so grateful.  I am so confused.


I am open to your suggestions & diagnoses, dearest visitors to the Addiverse. Tell me your hernia stories and hernial tales of woe.  Bless me with your words of wisdom.  If I don't hear from you soon, I will lift a 100 pound bag of something over my head to see if the hernia pops back out.

Don't worry--I'll take photos.