Happy Campers

Oh! I forget to report how the camping trip went.  All that belly banter distracted me from doing so.

We--a handful of men with chronic mental illness and I (who may or may not be considered chronically mentally ill)--went camping as scheduled last week.  (See previous post to learn more about this event)  There were supposed to be four guys, but one guy wimped out at the last minute.  The three of the remaining guys reported camping experience, so I hadn't been too worried.  We arrived at our beautiful campsite, right on the lake.

It quickly  became quite evident that my little campers had misrepresented their camping prowess. It didn't take long for me to realize I was the only one who really knew about camping....and, trust me--I know very little about this complicated use of leisure time.

 I explained to the guys that we'd need to put the tents up first, then gather firewood.  I pointed to the sky, noting that the sun was already on it's way toward the horizon.  "Tent first, firewood second, fun third."  I added, "Don't forget--don't go anywhere without a buddy.  Even if you are just going to the bathroom, take someone with you.  Got it?"  All three of the guys nodded yes.  As I never know if they are ever really listening, I asked them to verbally respond.  All three gave a resounding "Yes!"

Three seconds later, one of the guys announced, "I'm going for a hike!"  He then started toward the lake.  Alone.

So much for my directives.

I shouted at him to come back.  I muttered to the other two: "He wasn't supposed to go anywhere without a buddy.  We need to put up the tents before dark.  Didn't I just say that?"

They nodded in agreement, too smart to say anything beyond the nods.

The guys dumped the tents out onto the ground.....and, just stood there.....looking at the little piles of tent-makings.  Here's what it looked like:

Oh boy.  This is an issue.  I ask, "so, does anyone know how to put up a tent?"

The blank stares and teeny little shakes of the heads told me what was already obvious. I turned to one of the guys. "You told me you had gone camping lots of times and knew how to put up a tent.  Do you know how to put up a tent?"  He stared at me and then quietly squeaked out, "no."  Dear god, we're going to rely on ME to set up the tents?


Man Number One started to wander off again.  In no uncertain terms, I made it quite clear that he would be staying with me and putting together HIS tent.  He stopped, came back, stared at the tent-makings, making no effort to put the tent together.  Trust me, he learned how to put up a tent.  Forty five minutes later, two tents were up and ready for action.

Next came the firewood search.  Who knew none of the three had never made an actual fire during their
extensive camping adventures?  When I saw the few twigs and branches--which MIGHT qualify as kindling-- they brought back, I knew I was in really serious trouble.  "Um, I don't know how to tell you, but that's enough wood for about 15 minutes.  You'll have to find more.  Think bigger."

Suffice it to say we had to go to the concession stand on the other side of the lake and buy cords of wood.  I was disappointed that we had to do this, as it seemed like cheating, but I wanted a fire more than I wanted to not cheat, so I got over it quickly. The sun was quickly setting and I so did not want to be in the middle of nowhere without electricity and no fire. I am pleased to report that I got a fire going without much issue.  Thank god for Girl Scouts.  We didn't have any paper, so I did cheat at one point by spraying a stick with bug spray and then used that to get the fire going a little faster.  (I do NOT recommend this method of building a fire.  If you are ignorant enough to do this, make sure you are far away from the fire when spraying the stick....and, don't tell anyone what you are doing.)

We enjoyed traditional camp-type activities--hiking, roasting marshmallows, making S'Mores, texting, taking anti-psychotic medications...you get the picture.  I forgot about the medication part.  I was going to tell the guys to take their meds a little later so they could stay awake longer, but too late--the guys took their meds at 8 PM and by 9 PM they were going to bed.  Here we are in the middle of a beautiful campsite, on a gorgeous night, with a great fire crackling.....and, they go to bed.

Suffice it to say, I had a lot of time to be with myself.  The guys I thought would be up all night were snoring before I could check my Book de la Face profile via phone.  Around midnight, after the fire had died out and the snoring was getting even louder, I realized it was going to be too warm to sleep in my car (couldn't open the windows due to the bugs), so I made myself a little set up using two chairs and a cooler.  As the daddy long legs were running rampant, I put on a baseball hat, put on my sweatshirt, tied the hood tightly around my head so literally only my glasses and brim of the hat were peeking out.  I then sprayed the shit out of my hood and brim with bug spray.  I settled in, thinking how cool it was that I was about to sleep under the stars, praying to the gods of the Woods that the daddy long legs wouldn't crawl into my face.  I shut my eyes, hoping sleep would come.  It really was a beautiful night.

It was 1 AM and I was still wide awake.  I stared at the stars, checked my Book de la Face, sang little tunes..... I heard a small "crack."  I took out my flashlight and turned to my right, shined it on the tents.  Nope.  No movement.  Still snoring.

Snap.  Crack.  Snap.

I realized something was very close.....coming closer....I turned my flashlight and pointed to my left....

ACK! A RACCOON! Big as a toddler!  Close enough to scare the hood right off my head.  I don't know how those three guys didn't wake up because I was hooting and hollering for that damned thing to get away from me.  That thing was too close for my comfort. "GET AWAY! WE DON'T HAVE ANY FOOD!"  This was true, as I had put it all in my car to make sure we had no unwanted visitors.  I could tell it was not in any way afraid of me or my rantings.  It finally decided I must be crazy and I really didn't have any food; it turned and rambled slowly toward a the nearest tree....and, crawled slowly up the trunk...it then perched itself on a branch and stared at me. Seriously.  Little gold eyes glowing at me from above.

It is then I decided it was no longer too hot to sleep in my car. 

I slept from 2 AM-6 AM in my car.  For the record, it is REALLY hard to sleep in a Civic.  I was treated to a beautiful sunrise and a raccoon-free campsite.  It was the perfect morning--well, besides the kink in my neck from sleeping in a Civic.

As for the guys? They slept right through the night and didn't get up until I made them at 6:30 AM.  They ate some chips for breakfast, stuffed the tents into the little nylon bags, questioned my sanity when I told them about the raccoons and waited for the van to arrive. They were happy and refreshed, ready to return to the site so they could appropriately brag of their camping prowess and of their survival skills.

As for me? I went home and took a nap.  After all, I had to get some rest so I, too could brag about how I wrestled that killer raccoon to the ground....