Belly Banter

Today, I had the pleasure of going for my "annual," as women say.  Men turn their head and cough.  Women get to scoot, scoot further, scoot again, damn it!...and then, get  fondled, prodded, poked, widened, swabbed.  I mention this appointment because I see the same doctor as the wife....and, if you've been reading, you know what happened to the wife when she went to the doctor last week....

....he cleaned her belly button.

Suffice it to say, I took a good, long, hard look at my navel before getting dressed today.  There was no way in hell I was going to let some guy pick lint out of my button.  I made sure I had no little friends hiding in there.  My stomach was red from how hard I scrubbed that little puppy.

So, there I was on the table, still sitting upright, talking to the doctor.  He's a chatty guy, so that makes it a bit less painful (well, I think it's helpful--the wife hates it--she wants him to shut up and be done with it).  He's looking at my tonsils (seriously, he was looking in my mouth--although, I did feel at one point like he was trying to see my tonsils from a different vantage point) and he asks me something.  I don't remember the question but he added something about knowing my partner is a woman (big points for him) and I answered, "Yes! And, you cleaned her belly button last week!" 


He replied, "Really?  I clean a lot of belly buttons.  I always look at everyone's belly buttons."

I'm not sure if I should be impressed or horrified.  Is this a bonus service, a fetish, good practice or just plain weird? 

At this point, he has me lay down....and I noticed that he did indeed take a glance at my belly button. 

As he is getting ready for the ever-so-thorough breast exam, he asks his assistant, "do you have a clean belly button?" She immediately straightens up & barks out, "Yes! My belly button is very clean!" He offered to clean it for her, but she assures him it is very clean.

(This dialogue sounds ridiculously sexual or perverted but really it wasn't at all. It was fun belly banter.  I don't know how to write it any other way...so, perverted it will continue to sound. Every time I start to write something, it sounds inappropriate, so I end up erasing it. I swear to you it wasn't like that at all. But, how can I write about how "I hear you have a special belly-button-cleaning instrument?" without sounding somewhat naughty?)

The doctor then went on to talk about belly buttons in general--and, I kid you not--he looked down and pointed to his own belly button.  I thought he was going to untuck his shirt so I could see it but for some reason he stopped before doing so. Thank you, baby Jesus.

I told him that the wife was mortified by his action, adding that she had no idea she had a dirty belly button.
"You said she has a really deep belly button and that those are hard to keep clean."

He whole-heartily agreed.  "Yes, very tough to keep clean. I have a really deep belly button, too."

"She said you were digging to China! She said you have a special pair of really long belly-button cleaning tweezers."

He laughed.  "Yes, I do!  It's really hard to clean out belly buttons.  Most of the time, the people just end up shoving the dirt deeper into their navel."  By this time, he has started the breast exam but keeps talking. He pauses, turns to the assistant and asks, "Do you remember the patient we're talking about?"

The assistant laughs and admits she does indeed remember the cleaning of the belly button, as she was present for this sacred event.  "You WERE digging to China!"  She then gets a slightly perplexed look on her face and asks me, "You know the person whose belly button he cleaned?"

Before I could answer, the doctor said, "oh yes, she knows that belly button very well." He looks at me and then suggests I should be cleaning the wife's belly button.

Dear god, let me off this table!

He had some pointers for cleaning the wife's belly button, but I wasn't listening as now I was the one who was mortified.  As for the assistant, she laughed, shook her head and went on with her business.  He thankfully went on with his business, but I have to say there were times I wished we were cleaning my belly button instead of doing what I was paying him to do.  Yeow!  (I especially did not enjoy the "tour of organs," where he announced each part of my anatomy he was smashing-pushing-squeezing-poking.)

In case you already have your own gynecologist and don't want to change doctors in an effort to get a clean belly button, may I suggest this link:  http://www.wikihow.com/Clean-Your-Belly-Button

If you do want to change doctors so OUR doctor can clean YOUR belly button, give us a call.  We're sure you'll love the end product of a lint-free navel and you'll enjoy the deliciousness of belly banter.  I can't guarantee he won't charge me more, but I do guarantee that you'll have the cleanest belly button in town.