Thursday, July 28, 2011

Jeers, Cheers and Belly Buttons

I had a most disturbing Addiverse event yesterday evening.  I was checking my email and found a blog comment waiting for me in my inbox.  I have comments for blog posts forwarded to me before they are posted; that way, I can do as I see fit with the comments.  Only once have I rejected a comment and that is because it was in Chinese and linked to a porn site when I checked it out--yes, a Chinese porn site with Chinese writing.  I have no idea what they were saying but it was pretty obvious what they were doing. 

Anyways, the comment was about an post from several years ago, one I had written about the lump under my arm.  Larry Lump, to be exact (God rest his soul).  I had posted a photo of Amy Winehouse (God rest her soul) that I found on the Google Images (a photo I found by accident and certainly didn't have permission to use) and wrote a bit about her because she had a lump under her arm, just like I had.  Here is the photo I used as illustration for the post.  The blog post was about me, as it's always about me.  It was not really about her.  It was actually about Larry, but he's part of me, so it's about me. I found the Amy photo by accident, loved it, used it, used her, moved on.  Well, with all these Google searches about Amy, my blog post must've popped up and someone read it and didn't like what I had to say.  At first I thought the person was kidding and being a smarty pants who wrote the comment.  Then, I thought it was my mother.  (No, not really, but that would have been hilarious.)  Then, I began to wonder if this was serious or not. Then, I felt all creeped out and thought, "this person is serious."  They used the "F" word, too.  Well, they kinda did.  They used *** to keep from using the real word.  You know, like f**k. That was good of them.  Only I get to swear in the Addiverse.

In a moment of cowardliness, I decided not to print the comment.  In some ways, I wish I had posted it; in most ways, I do not.  I don't need haters in the Addiverse.  There are too many haters in the world.  I need to have at least one tiny space hater-free.  So, if it was you who wrote it and you were kidding and you were not at all a hater, make another comment and I will post your original comment. I apologize for missing the humor. If it was my mother, I'll post her comment as soon as she alerts me.

For the record, I have no issue with Amy Winehouse.  I have no judgment regarding her addiction.  I actually like her music.  I felt a kindred spirit with the underarm lump.  I feel badly that she is dead.  For her, I have cheers, not jeers.  As for me, I don't mind jeers most of the time.  After all, how can one like everything I write? And, besides--getting this comment means at least ONE person read my blog yesterday.  For that reason alone, I should probably post the comment.  Thank you for being my one reader of the day!

On to belly buttons.  I was going to write about Freckles' poop and the wife's severe case of PTPD (post traumatic poop disorder), but decided talking about the wife's belly button was much more relevant and of interest than of foreign bodies in dog poop.  The wife went to the gynecologist the other day.  She really, really, really hates going.  I tried to reassure her by reminding her no one likes to go but she dislikes it so much that that is no consolation.  The only thing she likes worse than going to the gynecologist is thinking about her belly button.  She has always had an aversion to even touching her own belly button.  I do not understand this but I honor it.  I mean, what's to dislike about a belly button? They are cute, everyone has one, it is the way we found our way to life.

I was going to include a photo of my belly button from back in the day when it was pierced but decided against it.  I didn't want to lose my one reader by scaring them.  (No, I do not still have my pierced belly button. I only have the hole in my abdomen to prove it was once there.  Who the hell wants a hole in her abdomen? No me.  Not much I can do about it, though.  It is what it is. Sigh. To the nieces: do NOT pierce your belly buttons!  I know I sound, really really old saying this, but it's true.  Do.not.pierce.your.belly button.)

Back to the wife's belly button.  So, imagine what it was like for her when the gynecologist said, "Oh! I need to clean your belly button.  Those deep ones collect a lot of stuff."  He then pulled out a long-nosed pair of tweezers (which I imagine looked like barbecue tongs to the wife) and proudly stated, "these are my belly button cleaners!"  He began digging around, adding comments like, "this might sting a little." The nurse commented, "Geez, doctor, looks like you're digging to China!"

Seriously.  The guy not only noticed her belly button was "dirty," but then he went on to clean it.

HE CLEANED HER BELLY BUTTON!!!!

I imagine she wanted to die.  Her two most hated things at the same time. Who the hell cleans someone's belly button?  Was it that dirty?


I reckon it's gonna be a long time before she goes back to the gynecologist.  

I know it will be a long, long, long time before she ever tries to clean her belly button.

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If any of you have had your belly button cleaned by your gynecologist, I need to know.  Please make a comment on this post.  If you are incensed that I would make fun of a belly button or having one's belly button cleaned, please comment on this post.  If you want to know if Amy W. had a clean, pierced belly button, I'm not saying.
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Saturday, July 23, 2011

Adios Ode to the Gaybors

It is with great sadness that I announce the moving of the most cherished Gaybors. Formerly known as Cheeseball Neighbors and most notoriously known for being Brown Dog & Bitty Bichon's mamas, the Gaybors have heard the calling of the buyer's market and thus are moving eight minutes east. 

Now, you may be saying to yourself, why the hell is there an adios ode being written if these people, their belongings and their pups are only moving eight minutes away?  Well, eight minutes is like a bazillion miles when you are used to going out your garage door and finding a neighbor or two hanging out under the tree.  It's just not going to be the same.

I'm not sure Lucy is too crushed that Bitty is moving eight minutes away, but we sure are...even if they did try to turn our dogs into Tea Partying-Republicans. 

Of course, since they are the one that are abandoning "the hood," I have dibs on our shared garden.  The Gaybors are gonna have to pay a handsome ransom for the zucchinis I've been harvesting.  (Well, that is the plan until I have collected so many zucchini that I will be paying them to take a bushel full.)

Photos here include Bitty being a bad, bad influence; pajama party; cheeseballs; Brown dog turning 10; First walk after the Blizzard of 2011; and the ever-so-terrifying "Pups for Palin." I needed therapy after that one.



And so, it it with great sadness that I post "Adios Ode to the Gaybors.  I'd write more but we're going out for ice cream with these traitors, so I'll have to stop here....you'll have to check out the tabs labeled "cheeseball neighbors" if you need to know more.

Oh, what a gem to have gaybors
Fun-loving,
food-loving,
football-loving.
Who let that Steelers fan move in?

Cheeseballs blowing silently

 little tumbleweeds of orange
Cupcakes frosting windshields in the color of Bears


Why are their plastic forks stuck in

your yard?

Slabs of meat girlling happily on the barbee
Stuffed portabellas enshrined in foil
Freckles corrupted by Bitty's beer
Lucy torments by Bitty's bounce
Why are the Palin signs in our drive way?

Brown dog, silently scouts for bunnies
Camouflage canine points and waits
Another night in the park commences
Oh how our little garden grows.



Good luck and adios to the gaybors
as you move eight minutes east.
At least you're closer to Red Mango
the tollway
and at least one well-known Republican
Keep your hands off my zucchini.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Reverend Sister Brother Warrior Princess

Praise the baby Jesus and batten down the hatches....I've been asked to perform my first real, legal wedding!  I wanted once again to babble about those Japanese beetles and I need to tell you how the bowl-cation ended, but really....what could be more important, more entertaining, more disturbing than the thought of me performing a real wedding?

Watch out--Reverend Sister Brother Warrior Princess is on the loose!

I am not sure this is a good idea in any capacity but I said 'yes' to performing the ceremony.  I have one month to get my act together.  One. Month. 

My first move is to ensure that I really am able to legally perform the ceremony in the county of choice.  Then, I have to figure out what the heck I really have to do. Then, I have to figure out what to wear.  Wardrobe considerations are always top of the list.


Have I mentioned I have NO idea how to lead a wedding ceremony?

For those of you wondering, it's for an unsuspecting heterosexual couple.  No time to practice on civil unions.  I'm passing Triple A and going straight to the big leagues.

So, damn the beetles.  I've got bigger things to worry about.  This is SO going to be a blog-worthy adventure! *****************************************************
 I can't  leave you hanging about how the bowlcation ended.  The fam damily has returned to home.  Here's how the trip ended:


"So Friday night we went and saw David Copperfield.  Although the show was great his greatest trick was getting us to spend $61.00 on 1 beer and 4 non-alcoholic drinks!  He did make a car appear on stage, and he made himself appear right behind us from the stage.  Everyone seemed to enjoy the show."

"Sunday - we went to the West rim of the grand canyon.  It was a 2.5 hour ride and 10 miles was on unpaved roads.  Very rocky, bumpy, and dusty.  We did see cows on the sides of the roads.  Some were laying right there others were just strolling along.  We got to the west rim and went out on the Skywalk.  It was pretty cool.  I personally had no problem walking above the beams. I did not like crossing the glass portion with nothing under it.  I was always taught no to walk over glass.  It is not a natural thing to do for me.  Everyone had fun and it was a fun fifteen or twenty minutes.  Then we were taken to another area of the canyon and they girls and hubby once again climbed around.  I have no memory in the camera, but have no fear we bought a disposable camera in the gift shop before we set out.  I think I got some good pictures of the canyon as well as hubby changing our flat tire.  Yes, the front passenger was flat as a pancake when we got back to the car.  Several cross country trips and a little unpaved road finally did one in.  The good news is we did have a full size spare under the car and it was only 95 or so.  The spare got us back to the hotel but we will be looking for new tires or to fix a spare before we head out tomorrow morning."

"We arrived home at 7:00am this morning.  Why so early you ask? Because I travel with crazy people who just want their own bed.  They have not learned the art of enjoying a free, cooked breakfast; maids cleaning up after you, and leisurely drives through scenic byways."

I am so going on vacation with my sister and leaving the family behind.  I am all about free food, room service and leisure travel.  Maybe when I get done performing this first wedding, we can hit the road.

As long as I don't have to hit the road because the wedding was a disaster, I'm all good with it......what time's breakfast?

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Bowl-cation Part III: Zipping Right Along

While I'm sitting at home watching the wife try out the new Shark steam-mop thing, my sister and her family continue to outdo themselves on their bowl-cation.  This time, they are zipping through the mountains via zip lines.  I can't imagine it's any more scary than throwing yourself off of a 108-story building, but what do I know? I'm watching the inaugural voyage of a cleaning product, not hurling any body parts off or over anything higher than a dog.

Are you sure I am actually related to these people?

The bowling is basically over, as far as I can tell...well, the competitive part, anyways--I'm sure the bowling balls continue to roll down the lanes between adventures. Zip-lining is probably more exciting than bowling, but I might be gravely mistaken.  I may have to take up bowling, as it seems to lead to a lot of other non-bowling related adventures and road trips.

Anywhoo, this is what my traveling sister had to say:

"So, yesterday the family went zip-lining.  Yes, I say 'they' because as usual my feet stayed on the ground.

There are four lines over two miles of canyons in the Bootleg Mountains.  They hook you up, push you off and you zip away. Usually you make it to the next station, but if you don't one of the guides has to go shimmy out on your line and pull you in.  So, of course they tell you not to brake until they wave their flags to they don't have to go get you.  Well, on the second line, they decided to let hubby come in "hot/spicy" or in plain language fast.  Well, they didn't see Youngest Niece on the line next to him.  He slows down, but the guide is not using his flag and Youngest Niece comes around him and almost gets him in the face with her feet!  He dove to the side at the last second.  I guess he was quite proud of himself for not getting kicked in the face and Youngest Niece said "Well, you didn't tell me to brake!"  So they all had a good laugh and seem to enjoy it more than the Stratosphere.

Tonight we are going to see David Copperfield - if we stay awake.  The show starts at 10 pm. 

I personally have decided I do not want to go back to work and this is the life for me.  Breakfast made every morning between 6 and 10  A.M., hot and fresh.  Basically my own clean, sparkling blue pool.  Very rarely have we had company at the pool, it is awesome.  Okay, the weather is way too hot for day-to-day activities, but I could live at the hotel and send others out into the world for me!"

Wait until my sister comes back to town and finds out it is over 100 degrees here, too....and, there is no pool in sight,the humidity is painful and the cleaning fairies are nowhere to be found.  Ouch.

For a video view of what they are doing, click here:   http://youtu.be/LsPXsfymbCM

For a video view of what I'm doing, click here: http://youtu.be/V1T7oxRM0mA

I'll let YOU be the judge of who is having the most fun.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Bowl-cationing, Part II: Jump and Bowl

I'm pleased to report that the Addiverse has indeed heard several more times from the sister who is bowl-cationing with the family in Vegas.  She has had much to say about the bowling--I'll get to that in a bit--but the thing that really caught my eye was her mention of the fam damily throwing themselves off a 108 story building....and, paying to do so.


Let me be the first to raise my hand indicating I will NOT be jumping off an 108 story building.  Call me a wuss.  I'm taking my money and going to the buffet, then getting a new tattoo.

In case you've never heard of Skyjump, it's this thrill ride, if you will, for people who must have gambled all their money away in the casinos or are too young to gamble in said casinos.  There are a few of them around the world (I might consider trying the one in New Zealand if Lucy Lawless were standing at the bottom awaiting my arrival), the tallest of which is right here in the good U.S. of A. 


If you can't envision what it means to jump off 108 stories above the ground, this illustration will help you.  It's a comparison of the Twin Towers to the place of which you pay handsomely to cheat death.  If you are old enough to recall the Twin Towers, you can now grasp how high this jump thing is.

Oh.My.God.  That's a mighty long jump/fall/hurl.  The only thing I'd be hurling is vomit.

I am not one bit surprised that my nieces took their turn at the skyjump, as they have been riding roller coasters since the time they were tall enough to do so and are always looking for an adventure.  It is no surprise that their dad also took the jump--he's a roller coaster junkie, too.  Where do you think the kiddies got this way of being?  And, it is definitely no surprise that my sister opted out. I would have proudly stood next to her waiting for the family to return....after I got back from the buffet and getting the tattoo.

I await for stories and photos upon their return.  In case you want to learn more about this ridiculous leisure entertainment, check out http://www.skyjumplasvegas.com/


As for the bowling (after all, they ARE bowl-cationing), it continues as scheduled. I forget that there are all sorts of rules and etiquette in bowling (probably another reason I don't bowl--all I remember is "do not eat with your bowling hand"), so it was with great humor I read what my sister had to say about this topic:

"....how exciting can bowling alleys full of non-rule following bowlers be? I cannot believe the number of people who do not follow written and verbal rules and the officials who don't enforce the rules.  It is just amazing.  It is also amazing how many girls cannot carry their own equipment.  I am not talking about moving  6 or 8 bowling balls around, but one - just one and they have to have someone else carry it.  In between games, Eldest Niece moved 12 lanes.  Now, the rules state only 3 balls are allowed in the bowlers area.  So she takes her three ball bag and rolls it between lanes. Not a problem.  Most girls have their dads or boys moving all 6 or 8 balls right past officials.  Now spectators are not allowed in the bowlers area nor are 6 or 8 balls, but no official seems to care. Amazing."

As one cannot bowl 24 hours a day (well, my family probably could, but most people cannot), a few side trips have been taken away from the bowling alleys.  Being that we are from the same gene pool, my sister is a fan of chocolate; hence, one of the side trips was to a chocolate factory:

"....we decided to get some lunch and check out the chocolate factory.  We stopped at Tommy's hoping for a gyro (Yes, the sign said burgers, but the husband hoped for gyros) what we got were hamburgers and hot dogs with chili. Everything had chili on it.  My chili dog had chili, cheese, pickles, tomotatoes and mustard. a very strange combination.  I am not voting to return there.  Then, we went off to the Ethel M chocolate factory.  They make the chocolate for M&Ms.  Now, we went to the M&M store the other night and have $32.00 worth of M&Ms in the room, but we went for the free tour and free chocolate.  The tour was a let down to say the least.  It was about a block long looking through a glass window reading signs. But, there was a lady handing out chocolate at the end.  Then, of course you are lead out through the chocolate gift shop.  Middle and Youngest niece saw the employee making chocolate covered strawberries and started drooling.  So, thinking all right they at least want fruit, we ordered two. Now they were big strawberries but $8.00 for two seemed a little excessive. They were deemed the best strawberries ever.  Sorry, Addi Warrior Princess, you are not getting chocolate as there are not enough ice packs in the world to keep the chocolate cold to get it home.  It was very good."

Sigh.  No chocolate for me this time. Maybe next time.  As long as I don't have to throw myself off a building, it's all good.

What happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsRbipctKTk

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Have bowling ball, will travel



















The Japanese Beetles are back....but, it's way too early in the game to start whining about them.  Stay tuned. My sister is a great, witty writer.  A lot of people don't know that but long time blog readers in the Addiverse might recall this fact.  A few years ago, I posted some of her emails from their family vacation; I thought I'd do the same thing this year.  She and her family are on a bowlcation...in Vegas, of all places.  You've heard of vacations and staycations.  You are about to hear about bowl-cations.  

Before I get to the bowlcation, I do want to say a little something about dog poop.  If you don't like dog poop, you might want to skip down a paragraph.  I want to write a few words about this because I have become a connoisseur of dog poop.  (Canine feces tremble in my presence.) Both dogs had diarrhea this week.  I'd describe what Freckles poop looks like but you'd all stop reading (if you haven't already) as it would be gross beyond compare.  I've been staring at every fresh pile of doo doo to clues for what might be wrong. I bring that stuff right up to my face to the point my trifocals steam.  Foreign objects, wiggly critters, leftover tapeworm segments....I seek anything and everything.  I consider texture, consistency, volume, frequency, composition.  I ponder food intake as related to output.  I search the Internet, read books, asked questions.  The vet decided it was time to go "old school" and prescribed "a medication that goes back to my days on the farm."  I am pleased to report that the medication has addressed Freckles pooping problem (at least for the minute).  Now, if we could only get rid of the never ending fleas.

Back to bowlcationing.   A refresher on Addiverse family history: My family consists of very serious bowlers. My mother, father, entire sister's family, extended family: bowlers.  My goal when bowling: not get injured.  So, knowing that my sister is on a bowlcation is not surprising to me or anyone that knows our family.  She might be starting a whole new fad.

Because they had to take so many bowling balls with them for their tournaments in Vegas, they had to drive.  Each bowler in the family has at LEAST two bowling balls with them; one or two of them might have three or four bowling balls along for the ride.  Plus, they brought an additional person (a friend) along for the trip--which means more bowling balls. Do you know how much it would cost to fly all those bowling balls on a plane? And, heaven forbid your bowling balls went to Tallahassee while your tournament is in Las Vegas.  So, the family and all their bowling balls took a three day drive to the land of Elvis and bowling.  Here's what my sister had to say about the ordeal:

"Hello to all from our bowlcation!

We took three days to get out here and I am happy to say everyone did make the journey.  A few instances arose where it was debatable if we would arrive with everyone we left with.

Day One was 15 hours on the road. Only 14 hours too long for my liking. Eldest Daughter has decided she needs to yell "cow" every time she sees a cow.  Do you know how many cows are between Chicago and Amarillo, Texas? I can't say we drove tank to tank like Fire dad said we must, be we always put several hundred miles between stops.

Day two took us to Flagstaff, Arizona.  Now that may not sound like very far, but we detoured to Four Corners.  A small monument in the middle of nowhere on Indian land.  I guess it was cool melting in four states at once.  I do believe it was only a 100 degree or so. We stopped at the big Texan Steak Ranch where if you each a 72 ounce steak dinner in under an hour it is free.  Well none of use tried it, but we saw three people fail while we enjoyed some very good steak. (Eldest niece is still yelling COW!) Actually, Eldest  niece did the bulk of the driving today, not because we made her but because she is trying to catch of with Fire dad's mileage.

Day three brought us to Henderson, Las Vegas - home away from home.  On the way we stopped at Hoover Dam.  It has been quite commercialized in the last 19 years. It also down poured on us.  Beautiful, sunny Vegas - soggy and wet.  It was not a dry heat but a hot humid mess.  By the time we arrived at the hotel, the rain ended and we jumped into the pool.  Three children who didn't want to bring suits and didn't want to swim were more that ready to cool off with a dip.

Today the bowling started.  All the girls bowled today.  Low of a 125 and a high of 238. Youngest niece was the only one over average for the whole day.  After bowling we sent Eldest Niece off for some away time with her friend while the rest of us braved the rain again and went swimming.  When Eldest Niece gets back, it is off to the store and to bed.  Wake up time is 6:00am tomorrow as bowling starts at 8:00am.

I am not looking for the dry heat that I always hear about, humid heat is bad enough."

That's the word on bowlcationing as of today. I'm sure there will be plenty more where that came from--at least I hope there will be.  Until then, I'm going to keep on looking at poop, growling about Japanese beetles and staying out of bowling alleys.

Do you think Elvis bowls?

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P.S. Happy Civil Union Picnic, Three Hawk and Argo Warrior Princess!
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Monday, July 04, 2011

Seven-Four-Eleven

Happy 8th anniversary, appendectomy!  How will I ever think of July 4th without thinking of my long lost appendix? What a great story that was.  I know you long-time blog readers are sick of hearing about my appendix, but it really was a spectacular event.  I mean, how many people do you know who go to Barnes & Noble to diagnose their own appendicitis?

I should have been a doctor.  Or, a barrista.

I was re-reading some of my old blog entries earlier today and have decided I was much funnier in the first several years than I am right now.  This may be a sign of age, of dementia, of constipation, of maturity, of immaturity, of lost brain cells, of hormones, of just about anything or just about nothing.  Hard to say.  I will work on getting back to my silly old self.  I feel like my old silly self, so I am flummoxed--why would I not sound like my old silly self if I am my old silly self?

I think it was the two years at the place of which we do not speak.  I think it ruined me just a tad more than I realized.  I am coming back with a vengeance, tho--so, stand back.

I think having seen the movie "Bridesmaids" last night might have jump started my funny bone.  I know, I know.  It is gross, sophomoric, mindless dribble....but, there are SO many awesome quotes and funny scenes that I really can't say anything bad about the movie.  It's not exactly brain surgery and it's certainly not going to win an Academy Award....but, I am going to see it again, that's how much it made me laugh. Even the wife was laughing and she doesn't usually find such movies very entertaining.  I thought the lady sitting next to me was going to die, as she was laughing so hard.  

I am sad to report that most people who see my "PAWS UP" license plates think it is related to the dogs, not to being Lady Gaga's little monster.  I don't know where all my other monsters are but they are not in this town.  Here's how it has been going:
Stranger: "Oh! What do you license plates me?" 
Me: "It's about Lady Gaga.  Paws up, little monster!" 
Stranger: Blank Stare.  "Um, I thought it was about dogs."  Walks away.
I thought this was a no-brainer.  Paws up!  Who the hell says Paws Up if they are not a little monster?

We are off to watch the fireworks for the first time in a bazillion years.  Well, maybe ten years.  Having dogs really does put a kibosh on firework watching.  Well, we've decided this year they will be just fine without us.  We are going to go to a local mall's parking lot to watch the fireworks from afar, shooting over the trees.  At least that is the plan.  We're not sure we'll actually be able to see anything over the trees, but if it sucks, we can have a good laugh about the year we sat in the mall parking lot.  It won't be as funny as all those years we went to our friends' house where they shot off illegal fireworks and almost killed us all and it won't be as funny as "Bridesmaids," but it will be funny enough.  I'll let you know how it goes.  Maybe some little monster will give me a "paws up" in the parking lot and will want to hear about my appendix.

Happy Fourth of July, little addiverse monsters!