Just the scoop, poop

While driving to work this morning, I realized two things: one, that I had forgotten to post a blog last night; and, two, I am going to have to poop at work.

The blog part would is easy enough to address. Once done with work today, I knew I'd have time to write the blog.

The pooping thing, on the other hand, would NOT be easy.

I was driving along, smiling and humming in a most obnoxious way, now concentrating on blog topics and Christmas shopping (of which I really have tried to ignore). While zipping through the traffic, I scanned my brain for various topics. I came to the realization that I had nothing really on my mind, nothing bothering me, nothing profound floating around in the deep recesses of my subconscious. I'm a happily boring person right now (well, as boring as I can be). Besides a lack of O.B. tampons, I have nothing to whine about....

I chewed on that for a few seconds. What a wonderful place to be, I thought. Had I not been stuffed into winter regalia, I would have rubbed my gratitude tattoo in honor of this moment.

As I was driving and smiling and feeling grateful, I realized I was going to have to poop.

At work.

Some of you have no problem pooping anywhere---you can probably poop on the sidewalk if you had to. Pooping at work is no big deal. But, for me? It's not an option. Why?

Because the office bathroom is IN the office. Seriously.

You read that right: the bathroom is in the actual office, which means everyone can hear and smell you poop. There is no escaping. There is no pretending. There is no blaming others. I love talking about poop but I don't want to talk about my poop that I just made in the office bathroom, which is less than seven feet from my peer's desk and five feet from my own desk. I don't want to be sitting on the toilet thinking about how everyone knows what I am doing in there. Although I think my poop is like apple blossoms, I know that others don't find that to be true.

Why we have a bathroom in our office is beyond the scope of this blog. Just know that I am not exaggerating. It is what it is.

I'm the boss. Bosses don't poop seven feet away from their workers!

I knew there would be three staff in the office upon my arrival. At this time of day, there would be no chance of an empty office. My poop would be known to all.

I started to sweat. If this were a three stall bathroom down the hall, that'd be different. But, this! This is bathroom hell!

Lost in thought, I almost drove into the back of a stopped car. I began to sweat.....what the hell do I do if a fart squeaks out?

I thought about turning around and going home.

I'm not going to tell you how I resolved this issue, but I will tell you that I did NOT poop at work. I just couldn't do it. I could not not not not do it.

(No, I did not poop in my car or on the sidewalk.)

As I will be in this office setting for the tenure of this assignment, I am going to have to come up with a pooping plan. I'm going to have to have a system and it won't include pooping in that office/bathroom setting. I'll have to get back to you after I figure out a pooping plan.

Until then, I'm going to have to stay home until I poop or eat cheese all week to keep me from pooping at all.......

Aren't you glad I remembered to post a blog today?
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