Food Coma

It is a miracle that I can even type, considering I am still in a food coma. As usual, the wife's family outdid themselves in the Thankgsiving food department and I find myself in a food coma.

I'm pretty sure I have a food injury from all that I ate yesterday. Anyone who worries a vegetarian won't have enough to eat on Thanksgiving is sadly mistaken. All those tasty side dishes and desserts make up for any missed turkey, gravy or meat-laden stuffing....

.....Mashed potatoes. Sweet potatoes. Candied yam potatoes. Butter-drenched hot biscuits. Corn. Truly, a carbohydrate nightmare. Green beans swimming in a sea of love. There was so much more but my food coma prohibits me from recalling the actual food consumed. It is a gustatory hallucination at this point.

Oh, and the desserts! Homemade apple pie. Homemade pumpkin pie. Vats of ice cream and lots of naughty whipped cream to top the pie. Coffee to wash down the ice cream and pie. I'm lucky I didn't take an eye out with the button on my pants.

For the record: I had Hershey kisses safely stashed in my car for the ride home, just in case....in case of what, I am not sure. I certainly wasn't starving during the drive home. Perhaps I was worried I was going to go into a diabetic coma from my blood sugar suddenly taking a carbohydrate crash.....

This year, the wife's family annual "Grateful Overload Fest" took less than an hour and no one burst into flames. That HAS to be a record. Oh, there was still crying and professing of love, but no one was sobbing and no one looked like they weren't going to make it through the ordeal. Each person spoke only a few minutes and then moved along. It was almost disappointing; after all, I wait all year to watch this love fest. I have no idea why this year was so succinct. Everyone had just as much to be grateful for this year as compared to any other year. Maybe it was that someone was video taping the event--that seemed to throw people off track. A few refused to speak unless the camera was 0ff--good for them! (Hell if I was saying anything on camera.) I was quite surprised that the wife didn't prepare a speech, poem or powerpoint this year: she spoke off the cuff, kept it short & simple, didn't drop a tear. The two of us were queens of semi-superficial. I don't know what the hell that was all about. I just talked about my gratitude tattoo & how I am thankful to Dave Ramsey & for the wife's brother Tom. E. Hilfiger introducing me to Dave.

As for this day after, the wife is on a mission, somewhere in Wisconsin, throwing herself among the crazed shoppers in the wee hours of the morning. Me? I stayed home, ate ice cream for breakfast and then went grocery shopping.

May I say that no one goes grocery shopping the morning after Thanksgiving? It was pure genius on my part.

My successful grocery-ing was followed by a quick trip to SmartPet to get the dogs a new toy/treat/thing (an indestructible chew-thing with some chemical-laden treat in the middle), as Lucy really seemed to enjoy chewing on Bitty Bichon's toy last night. I'm always looking for something for the Bark of Poteidaia to chew on, as she's not a big fan of bones. I was very surprised to see her chomping all over Bitty's treat, so I thought I'd get Lucy one of her own.

Of course, the $20-a-pop treat was promptly ignored by both dogs. 


This pissed me off royally--after all, I made a special trip and dropped a ridiculous amount of money on these things--so, I covered them with peanut butter and tried it again. Thankfully--for both me and them--they seemed to enjoy them much better and have since taken a semi-kinda-sorta-liking to them.

Kinda-sorta being the operative words.

I have spent the rest of my morning listening to Lucy cry/whine/squeak and fighting with my computer. I think the dog has a belly ache....probably because I gave them some cheap, non-organic, parts-is-parts filled dog food as celebration of the holiday. (I know better than to do that, but everyone should have some junk food at the holidays.) I've tried everything to get her to stop, but she is still "talking" to me. I have taken her outside, sat with her, given her a new squeaky toy, taken her outside again, taken her on a walk, offered her ice cream (that would help me, so why not her?), talked to her, yelled at her, petted her, ignored her, begged her to stop. Suffice it to say, I will be staying home for the rest of the afternoon until she stops OR I determine what is the matter with her.

No, it's not the new everlasting ball of joy. She didn't eat enough of that to do anything besides give her bad breath.

Staying home to watch the dog means I will be able to "go" shopping via the Internet, which I am all about. Well, that is if I can get my computer to cooperate. Something is up with how my computer is connecting (or, in this case, NOT connecting) with the wireless. This has happened before--the solution is to use an Ethernet cable for awhile and wait for the problem to resolve itself. It is my computer, not the router, as the wife's various equipment is working just fine. As long as the Internet shopping can commence, I will gladly sit on the floor next to the router.

Staying home doesn't help me burn off any of those four bazillion calories I consumed yesterday but it sure beats being in the crowds and fighting for parking spaces......

Oh great, I see a pile of puke. Seriously! Because I'm tethered to the router by a VERY short Ethernet cord, I have to sit somewhere I usually wouldn't sit....and, being seated at this "new" angle has put me in direct line with someone's puke....

Definitely not mine. Definitely not new. A gift from yesterday, I'm guessing. I'm thinking today's doggy gastrointestinal distress might be "older" than the cheap food. Lucy and I better go eat some more ice cream before taking care of this problem.

And so, I end here, doomed to wallow in my own food coma, doomed to wonder what the heck is wrong with Lucy, doomed to clean old puke from the carpeting. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you are ready for the onslaught of the holiday season. Until then, don't weigh yourself until after the New Year. Hope you were lucky enough to get that front row parking space.

Namaste, oh great turkey-filled friends!
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