Busted

Larry Lump remains happily seated in my left arm pit. As this is nothing new in the Addiverse, I haven't lost one second of sleep over it and neither should you. He's been here before and I assume he'll be here again. I am one with Larry Lump.

Being I was overdue for a mammogram, I figured it was the perfect time to get the mammogram done AND take a peek at Larry Lump.

Let me tell you, when you mention "lump" to the scheduler who just asked if there were problems or issues, you get immediate service. It's kind of like saying, "I'm having chest pain" when you walk into an emergency room--they fall all over themselves to get you in pronto. Next thing I knew, I was scheduled for a diagnostic mammogram (as apposed to a screening) and an ultra sound.

I know I have written about mammograms before so I won't bore you with the details of the said event. Suffice it to say that (1) it's pretty impressive that the technician never mentioned my tattoo-covered back (I assume I was good fodder in the break room); (2) I was really intrigued when the technician started talking about women with third nipples (somehow, she thought my lump might be stray breast mass or a third nipple); and, (3) it's pretty entertaining to have "special" views taken during a mammogram. That lady had me all contorted in an effort to get Larry into the picture. She finally succeeded, but only after tipping me sideways, using a special squeezy thing and pushing the machine way into my should.

I should mention that when she asked me to point out the lump, I lifted my arm and pointed "here." I wish you could have seen her face. "Oh! You can see it!" she said. Um, yes--Larry is a proud, visible lump. I think it took her quite by surprise--usually, technicians such as her never show any emotion--she certainly showed surprise. She put this paper sticky dot on Larry so she would be able to find him for the x-rays....I don't think she needed the dot, but maybe it is protocol and thus the dot she did. I reassured her I was fine and that I was sure it was just some swollen lymph nodes and that I had experienced this before. I reassured her by telling her that I had been to a surgeon two times and each time I went to the surgeon, Larry was MIA and they couldn't find anything to do surgery on. (Larry may be proud but he is a coward. Mention surgery and he's outta there.) After taking numerous x-rays, she concurred--"yes, those are lymph nodes!" See, lady? No third nipple for me.

The sonogram was basically the same. Lady removes the dot, goes to does her thing, sees the lump, tries not to look surprised, does the sonogram. I end up reassuring her, too that I know I have a swollen lymph node. She finished the sonogram, sends me to the waiting room.

Thankfully, there is a radiologist on duty who reads the tests right away. Isn't that a great idea? I think so--someone was thinking. Probably some technician that got sick of waiting for her own test results. Guess what? My mammogram and sonogram are "normal." No sign of breast cancer in those dense little breasts of mine. I am good to go. I knew that. I knew that but it's always good to have the universe confirm what you already know. The radiologist added that [the cause of said swollen lymph node] is not determined by a mammogram. I knew that, too.

The next step for Larry? Well, I'd usually just ignore him til he finally went away, but insurance concerns make it necessary for me to take care of this before June 1st. My goals before health insurance changes are to get some bloodwork (which will be fine, too), get prescriptions for everything under the sun, and have surgery if that is determined to be necessary (which I am most certain it will not be needed but am never opposed to, as evidenced by my previous two agreements to have surgery for the MIA lump). That's a lot to get done in such a short duration of time, but I must succeed in the Larry Lump follow-thru. I'm also squeezing in a visit to the gynecologist and to my buddy the "why are we talking about you instead of me during my session" psychiatrist (might as well get meds from him, too-better living through chemicals, that's what I say). Larry is gonna end up with second billing during all of this.

The potential lack of health insurance is quite motivating to me. I highly doubt that will happen, but one must be poised for such changes when such changes have been announced and one must be ready for the incredible increase in premiums that will make going to the doctor a thing of the past. (I don't want to get all political, but I will say that the event of public health care has freaked out insurance companies like mine and they are now SCREWING the piss out of us by doing things such as doubling rates.) I'm thinking about a quick trip to the dermatologist, too. If any of you can think of other medical visits I might want to schedule, let me know. (I don't have eye or dental coverage, so no worries about squeezing that in.)

I think Larry's thankful he's not a third nipple. Me? I would have laughed my ass off if Larry had indeed turned out to be a third nipple.

I love Larry but he's got to go. He's got 23 days to hit the road. I wish him a fond fairwell.....