Catholics, Tires & Two Slaps to the Face

Let's start with two slaps to the face: I was feeling really good the other day at work and I was goofing around, trying to get a co-worker to laugh and I just couldn't resist doing a POW! POW! Xena kick in the air. It was an awesome kick--I got some major air time under me....but, when the second kicked leg came down, I realized that doing a Xena kick had been a really, really bad idea. My knee gave a Xena war cry. Shit. My second thought (after the first thought being how stupid it had been to do a Xena kick) was, "this is gonna be one stupid workman's comp claim." My third thought was, "it really sucks that I'm too old to do a Xena kick," especially cuz I looked pretty damned good doing it.

I came home and limped toward the kitchen table, only to find an envelope from the AARP. Hmmmm. I'd never received anything from them before and at first I thought it was another credit card invitation/application. For poops and giggles, I opened the envelope....it was an invitation to join AARP.

I gasped. I forgot all about my knee.

Hey people: I'm only 47! How rude is it to start 2.5 years ahead of time! Gimme a friggin' break! Man, getting that invitation on the same day as getting injured doing a Xena kick really slapped me in the face. SLAP!

Has anyone else noticed how many Catholics commercials there are on TV these days? Maybe I'm just watching more TV but I'm pretty sure the Catholics are cramming the airwaves with their ads, wanting us to come home. The wife and I have been very enthralled by this; in fact, every time one of the commercials airs, one of us invariably says, "hey, there's one of those Catholic commercials." I'd say the richest religion in the world is worried about their numbers. I think they'd have a better chance of recruiting if they aired sexy/naughty commercials with the message: "we want you to spawn like bunnies!"

Now, now--I was born and raised Catholic, so don't go getting your rosaries all in a bundle. I didn't say I didn't like the commercials or the Catholic faith. I said there sure are a lot of those dang commercials. They probably should add a disclaimer to the ads, tho: "Don't bother coming home if you use birth control, have chosen to practice a homosexual lifestyle or are divorced and do not have money to secure an annulment.

I think they showed one of these ads during last year's Super Bowl; my guess is that they will do so again this year. Come on home and bring a Budweiser with you, while you're at it!

As for the tire situation, I am tired of tires, pun intended. I have researched tires out the wazoo in an effort to get the right "shoes" for my poor car. The wife was impressed with my tenacity to secure the right tire, quite the compliment coming from her. After finally deciding on the highly-rated Treds of Triple, (thanks, Viking Jill!), the tires were ordered. I waited til they got to town (they were in Nevada, lucky treds), drove my car to Viking Jill's garage and.....damn. Unfortunately, I ordered the wrong size tires. Talk about embarrassing... there I am, listening to the guy remove my tires.... then.....nothing. That's because he's scratching his head wondering why he's trying to put 195 sized tires on my 205 sized rims. I'm scratching my head because I can't think of any reason a car company would put nicer/bigger tires on the lowest, cheapest model they make. I'm like, "I checked and re-checked what size tires I have." He agrees, saying he did the same thing. No matter, the tires don't fit.

This confuses me. Determined to figure out the tire issue, I dig through my glove compartment but find nothing on my tire size. (I did find interesting things but nothing about the tires.) I re-checked data on line: DX size is 195. I went home and grabbed my "car file," taking out the original window sticker. (The wife has trained me well, don't you think?) That's when I solve the mystery: I have an LX, not a DX. All this time I thought I had the cheap ass model of my car; instead, I've been driving around in the mid-cheap ass model of my car. I am much more sporty than I ever knew!

I apologized profusely to Viking Jill, who assured me it was no big deal. She re-ordered the tires, assuring me they will get the tires on right on when they arrive.

Turns out the tires I want are literally sold out nation wide until March. I can't wait til March to get tires so I don't slide in the snow! Trust me, I called local vendors, I did an on-line search--those tires are nowhere to be found. I had to begin my search from the beginning. I must have good taste, because the next two tires I picked were also sold out until the Spring. (A lot of people must have been in ditches lately.) After much angst, I decided on the tire pictured here. It's Exalto-ly what I want and need. They are on order....coming from Nevada. I don't know what's going on in Nevada, but that must be where tires live.

Thankfully, football play-offs are on TV, my tires are on order, my Xena-kicked knee is just fine and the Catholics continue to call me home. Now, if I can just keep that AARP away from me while I wait for my tires and contemplate the meaning of the Eucharist.....