I'm too old for this

I forgot one of my cardinal rules: I am of an age that demands a four or more star-rated hotel room.

In a game-time decision, I decided to stay in a hotel during this week's business outing. I could have easily stayed with my parents, but no--I went with the "just down the street hotel," for my winter weather convenience.

As I am an Internet whore, I went on line and found a cheap hotel in the area I wanted to stay AND in an area of which I was familiar. I read the reviews and found them to be rather generous for something that had been rated two stars by the website. Mind you, I've been very spoiled by recent hotel stayings--we stay at places like "W," Westin.... the "lower end" of our star chain being a Doubletree with warm chocolate chip cookies; we gave up two star hotels years and years ago. We're just too old (and waaaaay too sober) to be sleeping in gross hotel rooms with pillows that smell like beer and bedding that features cigarette burns....or, worse. Give me a pillow top mattress with big, fluffy pillows and white, fluffy robes any day.

Lest you think I'm kidding about the beer-flavored pillow, I assure you the wife and I have enjoyed such an adventure. Thankfully, we were in our 20's and didn't care or know better. The places we stayed during softball tournaments would bring a little vomit into your throat. Or, we could talk about the Jackson, Mississippi Lodge of Econo, where the cock roaches were literally looking down upon me from the headboard....and, that was during day light hours. Grand Canyon Black Toes can confirm that I am not making this up or exaggerating one bit.

I shall not mention the Six Motel in Texarkana where the softball team broke a picture window by accident because we were wearing pillowcases on our heads.....oh, never mind....

After my business training, I zipped over to the local Pan-Pan-air-ah, stuffed my face with their delicious fare, did a lap around the mall and then pulled up to the hotel. It was located exactly where I thought it would be and thus I was delighted. Once I entered the building, I felt my excitement wane. Not exactly "W" material.

The adage, "you get what you pay for" quickly and deservedly came to mind.

I focused on the really cheap price and signed in for the night. Cheap, cheap, convenient, cheap, cheap.....

Now, I can't say the room was technically gross or dirty & it probably was just about right for a two-star hotel. It just was not what I am accustomed to when staying in a hotel. Call me spoiled, call me snobbish, just don't call me for a bed bug check.

I surveyed the lands, decided to open the window (hmmmm, a hotel room with a window that opens--haven't seen that for awhile), kept my shoes on, threw the comforter on the floor (the wife taught me that's the first thing you should always do), and inspected the bed for bugs, burns and beer stains. I thought about turning around and going directly to my parents, but there is no refund when you've checked in after 6 PM on an Internet reservation. I decided to be brave and stay, just like in the olden days.....

....but first, a trip to Bull's Eye was in order.

I drove to the store and contemplated my needs. Bottled water: check. Germ wipe towelette things: Check. Lysol spray: check. Protein bar: check (need breakfast, you know). "Off" Bug spray.....hmmm--fights chiggers, fleas, mosquitoes, flies....check!

I took my purchases back to my luscious accommodations and de-germed the piss out of that room. The wife would have been so proud.

I am not ashamed to admit that I covered the pillow with some pads meant for the butts of adults with incontinence issues. (See? There is a reason I have those stupid things in my trunk. You never know when you'll have to cover a used pillow so you can sleep on it without fear.) I am not embarrassed to tell you I slept covered with a towel instead of the sheet. I won't blush when I tell you I drown that bed with Lysol or that I slept with my pajama bottom legs tucked in my socks. I kept my shoes on at all times except when in bed. I scrubbed that remote like there was no tomorrow and I sat in no chair with upholstery. I cleaned the counter and put my laptop on the hard surface, giving me distraction from my surroundings.

It was a long night, more because of the Lysol fall out cloud than anything. It turned out to be a quiet place, comfortable enough, safe. Nothing appeared to attach itself to me nor did I seem to have any unidentified bites on any of my body parts. Had I not had to pee, I probably would've slept through the night. I blame the sinus headache on the ball of Lysol I inhaled all night, not due to anything the hotel did or didn't do.

Two stars. Okay, I'll give you that.....

.....just please don't let me do that to myself again. I'm sticking with four stars or higher. This princess needs her amenities.....

Ouch! Did something just bite me?
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