Last List, Lost Book
 
The wife, if you haven't heard, has been chosen by her peers; students to give the "Last Lecture." This traditional honor on college campuses around the globe has recently become quite well known due to Randy Pausch's Last Lecture--yeah, the guy dying of pancreatic cancer. (If you haven't watched it, Google it. It's worth the watch. Trust me, you won't have any trouble finding a link.) No, the wife's not retiring and she certainly doesn't have pancreatic cancer. She's not technically giving her last lecture, but she is giving the lecture as if it were her last and thus it must be about something of which she is quite passionate.

No, she won't be talking about me or the dogs. Trust me, I tried to weasel my way in there.

Anyways, our friend, Mr. Bichon Boy, made up a list of things the wife might speak on during this esteemed event. I thought his list was so hilarious that I am including it here. Blog readers will realize that this guy "gets" the wife. Remember, all credit goes to Bichon Boy, not me:

My Fibroid is bigger than Your Fibroid
How to Keep Brett Favre from Breaking your Heart
Perfect Vacuum lines for Any Carpet
Dog Poop and the Obsessive Compulsive Lifestyle
My Fibroid is WAY Bigger than Your Fibroid
Your Garage is not Secure; Lock Your Car Doors
I Just Had Abdominal Surgery and Yes, I Do Love this Pillow
Become a Debt Diet Fascist in Three Easy Steps
If Only Oprah Ruled the World
Indeed!
(If you don't get these or don't find them funny because you don't get them, you need to go back and read previous blog posts OR you need to seek out the wife and interrogate her until she coughs up explanations. Trust me, they're funny.)

I'm excited to see what the wife ends up talking about. Stay tuned and feel free to email her ideas!

Now, the book. The Lost book. I had this book in my car. It was for a former client who had asked for some reading material. Specific reading material. The book's title included the words SEXUAL IDENTITY and ORIENTATION in big (gigantic) letters. I forgot to give it to her when I saw her and thus it was riding around in my car until I saw her again. I was going to drop it off at my previous place of employment--give it to MJagger to deliver. I had planned to do this on this very day. Anyways, prior to today, the book floated from the front seat to the back seat, back to the front seat, into my briefcase, onto the floor. I'd look at it and go, "Dang! I forgot to take that book to her again!"

Did I mention the book cover title had enormous letters with the words SEXUAL IDENTITY and ORIENTATION on it?

I was at the place of employment of which I do not speak. I grabbed a pile of mail and my datebook and headed off to the main office. (Well, I'd be headed there if I spoke of this job but I do not speak of it so I must just be saying I was heading somewhere.) Work piles in hand, I get in a co-workers car and we swoosh off to our destination. While in the car, this book falls out. No biggy, but I must say I was surprised to see it. I pushed it back into the pile and promptly forgot about it. When we got back to the place of which I do not speak, I took the pile out of the back seat, plopped it up on the counter, carried the pile to the mail room, moved it to Merry Marketing's floor, picked it up & put the pile back on a counter by the brand new coffee pot.

Did I mention I work at a conservative place? Of course I didn't! I don't talk about work. But, if I did, I would tell you I find it to be conservative. Well, that's not saying much coming from me but in my eyes, it is conservative. It's not like other places I have worked where our potty mouths frothed twenty-four hours a day and where it was a very thin line between client and staff. It's not a place where you wear jeans & T-shirts and talk about very inappropriate non-business subjects. No, this is a REAL job! A job of which I do not speak because it would be inappropriate for me to speak of it--I like this job and don't want to mess anything up.

So, I do my business, visit with people, drop off the mail, grab my piles and hit the road.

Imagine my surprise when Merry Marketing calls me and asks me if I've misplaced a book. At first, I'm like, "Huh?" Then, like a ton of bricks (or, maybe seven zillion ton of bricks), I realize she is talking about the Sexual Identity book. Seems it fell out of my pile or jumped out of my pile or got left behind from my pile....and, was found in the coffee pot area by the Human Resources Director......

.....Dear god, HOW the hell did I leave that book behind??!!! I am sweating and my mind is racing but I am laughing because it really is funny even though it is not. I don't know exactly what to do. This is not the kind of thing that gets left around this office. This is not the kind of place you talk about anything of this nature. This is a non-therapy-based business! Merry laughs and indicates the name of the person who now has the book, as the HR person passed it on.

Who the hell is going to believe that I've been carrying that book around for a client they do not know from a place they do not know from a therapist they don't see me as?

I have to call and confess that it is my book. No one will care why I had it--they will care that I left something of that nature lying around an office which is not counseling-oriented. They are used to business manuals and phone books and spread sheets, not counseling books of a sexual nature. Thankfully, the person who has my book is the person I just spent the day with....I call and inquire if she has my book.

Oh yes, she does indeed have my book! She tells me she has it for "safe keeping" and that I can pick it up next time I am at the office. Great, can't wait to stop by for that one. What to do about the HR person? I send an email, briefly describing the reason I had the book in the first place and how it got left behind. I keep it short and sweet; after all, I haven't done anything "wrong," just stupid.

I am assured in a one line reply that the book is being held for safe keeping. That's a lot of safe keeping I'm hearing about.

No, I haven't gone to get the book yet. I didn't step one foot in that place today. Monday. I'm saving it for Monday.....

....or, Tuesday. Maybe Tuesday.