Master Reiki's New Best Friend

If you haven't already, please read previous entry (Flamingo Friday) BEFORE reading this one. Trust me, it will help you understand the story.

First of all, let me say that Master Reiki came through her hand surgery with flying colors. Only one digit lost, she is ready for action....well, at least ready to go home, pain killers in hand. Looks like the 12 year old surgeon was able to save the ol' swearing finger. (He was so young looking that Master Reiki wisely asked him about his credentials.)

One of the beautiful, delightful things about being in a hospital room is that you get to share it with a complete stranger. Somehow, when I had my appendix out, I wasn't assigned a roommate, so I was spared this opportunity. In Master Reiki's case, she got to share her room with an 85 year old woman who had just broken her hip and who wasn't happy about being in this particular hospital. Because I had the pleasure of listening to this roommate--whom I shall call Betty Boop--for a few hours, I thought I'd share the pain experienced by having such a roommate.

Betty Boop rolled in late Friday night, right when Master Reiki was recovering from her first bout of anesthesia. Seems Betty Boop had broken her hip and was now going to spend some time at St. Tony's along with Master Reiki. Although she had fallen and hurt herself, she did not appear to be in any pain, which I thought was a wonderful thing. After all, who wants to know someone is in pain? If she was in pain, it did not hamper her ability to speak.

First problem: BBoop was in the "wrong" hospital. She wanted to be at Norwegian American but somehow she had ended up with the Catholics. How do I know this? Well, BBoop had a terminal case of hard of hearing. She was LOUD. Second problem? The intern who was interviewing her was even LOUDER than her and thus I got to hear the entire intake for BBoop. HIPAA? Forget it. It's not like anyone is afforded any privacy when sharing a room and it's not like that flimsy curtain dividing the room is drowning out conversation.

Interns are a funny thing. They get REALLY excited about their jobs and thus ask four zillion questions, all right from the textbook. They are zealous, finally out in the real world, practicing on real patients. I mean, they literally ask every single thing they were ever taught. This means that Dr. Intern asked four zillion questions and BBoop answered four zillion questions and this went on for over an HOUR.

I was seated on the left of Master Reiki and Cindernursa was on the right. BBoop and Dr. Intern were behind the curtain. We were quietly sitting with MR when the questions started. At first, it was rather amusing because both of them were so loud and because the answers were just so ridiculous. He started at the top of her head and asked questions all the way "down." I learned that BBoop has lots of earwax and dead skin in her ear canals and that they have to use tweezers to pull it out so she can hear. (Um, someone needs to do that RIGHT NOW, cuz this lady can't hear.) I learned that she coughs up yellow chunks, that she has trouble with her feet swelling up, that she has cold flashes, that doesn't have mammograms because she didn't see the point in them, that she has had cataract surgery, that she has a heart murmur of some kind, and that she is oriented to person, place and thing. Whenever asked specific questions about previous medical treatment or medications, BBoop would indignantly respond "They have that information at Norwegian American. I don't understand why I was brought here."

Soon, this was no longer fun and it was obvious all this chatter was beginning to get to Master Reiki. How could it not? I had all my fingers and wasn't in pain and it was getting to me. I mean, this lady really was loud and her descriptions were painfully long, all in her monotone babbling. Master Reiki held up her good hand and made the international sign for "blah, blah, blah, blah." She whispered loudly, "He's starting at the top and working his way down. He's only on her HEAD!" She was right. We were only on the goiter and it had already been 15 minutes.

Cindernursa looked at me and mused, "these are the things we have to look forward to." Indeed.

In an effort to help Master Reiki, I asked if she would like to wear my iPod headphones. I figured this might drown out some of the nonsense going on the other side of the curtain. She agreed. I placed them gently in her ears and turned on the selection of shuffling Addi tunes. At first, this was a good distraction from BBoop and MR was seen smiling, eyes closed, gently nodding her head along with the beat.....

....but, then came a song on that she did not like. "Take it off! Take it off! I don't like this song!" I quickly ripped the ear buds right out of her ears, never stopping to find out what the hell song was playing. This didn't stop ol' BBoop--she didn't miss a beat and kept talking about her constipation, her hysterectomy and her medical records being elsewhere.

Next came Dr. Resident, who was in charge of Dr. Resident. This led to a whole 'nother round of questions. All BBoop wanted was food. She was rather incensed that no one had fed her yet and it was after 9 PM at night and that she was in the "wong" hospital. BBoop was getting crabbier by the minute and she wanted dinner NOW. This did not deter Dr. Resident and Dr. Intern from taking turns listening to her heart and using all sorts of fancy terms for the sounds they heard coming from BBoop's beating heart. Praise the baby Jesus, they finally called it a night and left BBoop to wait for her dinner.....

....now, you think one would have a little common courtesy when sharing a room. Not ol' Betty. She then turned on the TV and cranked that volume up for all to hear. (Actually, for her to hear. Too bad she couldn't hear.) As the "Soap Opera" channel was on and as BBoop didn't know how to change the channel, this upped the irritation ante. Thankfully, Blue Eyes and the wife returned at this point and distracted me from choking BBoop in the name of Master Reiki.....

When I arrived this morning, BBoop was still sharing the room with Master Reiki. I made mention of this and learned BBoop had some thoughts on Master Reiki and Blue Eyes. It seems on Sunday BBoop had loudly announced to one of the nurses that "those two ladies over there are sleeping together." As Master Reiki was in the bed and Blue Eyes was in the chair, this was news to them. Betty then added, "well, it's none of my business" and left it at that.

Maybe BBoop was brighter than I gave her credit.

While there this morning, Master Reiki had requested some pain medication at the same time BBoop wanted to call her daughter on the phone. BBoop was louder than MR so she was given first dibs on the nurse. Um, does anyone else see a problem with picking the phone call over providing prescribed medication? Soon, TWO hospital employees were with Betty while MR sat and waited for any semblance of treatment. I am happy to report that BBoop got her bed fluffed and her butt scooted and her phone call made--but, only after Blue Eyes went and volunteered to make the call so the nurse could be freed to get the pain meds. Unfortunately, it took ONE HOUR for MR to get her prescribed pain meds. Thankfully, she had learned this lesson early in her stay and knew to start asking before she was actually in pain. By the time she did get the meds, she was in need. Smart cookie, that MR.

As I write, Master Reiki and Betty Boop have broken up, as MR is being discharged from the hospital and is on her way home. I highly doubt they forged a lasting friendship, but who knows? If Betty is smart enough to know that MR and Blue Eyes are sleeping together, she might be fun at a party....

....just don't ask her about her ear wax and dead skin in her ear canals.....