Paint, Groom, Eat, Weed

This has been my mantra for the weekend: Paint, Groom, Eat, Weed. Paint, Groom, eat, weed. The mantra is of my own doing and should not be blamed on the wife. Since we had a bit of glorious free time this weekend, I found myself with energy to do all sorts of domestic things.....

....a very foreign feeling, I might add.

Let's start with the painting. For some unknown reason, I decided that THIS weekend was the time to fix/finish/touch up the paint on one of the walls....a paint job that I started painting about eight years ago. I'm serious. I have no idea what prompted this unusual burst of home-improvement-ness (maybe it was that new kitchen faucet or fear that going out of the house may lead to expenditure of money), but there I was, staring at the wall, thinking, "I really need to fix that paint job." I don't know why I wasn't thinking, "Gosh, I need to eat more ice cream" or "I wonder if Denise Richard's show is any good?" but I was thinking about the wall and how it's bothered me since its painting inception. It's hard to explain why something eight years in the making finally makes it to the front of my mind but it did.

The problem? I had painted one of our walls a dark, rich maroon color like eight years ago. (Side note: May I suggest that NO ONE EVER paint their walls maroon? It took us FOUR COATS of paint--after priming with a colored primer--to get the wall to even look semi-acceptable. I was suicidal.) The problem was that I back then I hadn't painted a lot and thus lacked a steady hand to make the corners of the walls look like someone other than a drunk painted them. When you "butt" a white-ish wall up to a dark maroon wall, all errors stand out like a blinking neon sign.

I had left the walls as is because fixing corners of walls is like cutting bangs--you should probably just leave well enough alone, because the more you try to straighten things out, the worse things look. But, like a mom on a mission to fix those bangs just a little bit more, I couldn't leave it alone. I HAD to fix it. I'd bitched about it for eight years, for pete's sake.

Of course, this is a multi-faceted project. You can't just slap on some white paint, and slap on some maroon paint and call it a day. (Don't I wish?) I first had to use KILZ to cover the maroon errors from beyond. I then had to paint the white-ish paint after the KILZ dried. I then had to paint the maroon over the white-ish paint.

This meant I had a lot of time between coats and thus I decided to groom the dogs.

No, I do not know how to groom dogs but I do know how to use YouTube. I watched a bunch of videos and decided that it looked pretty simple (no offense to any professional dog groomers). I figured if I could at least extend time between professional dog grooming appointments, I could save money. If I save money, I can pay for my Madonna ticket. If I pay off my Madonna ticket, I will win big points. Armed with video illustration, I purchased some grooming clippers and prayed to St. Francis of Assisi.

The dogs were good sports about it, although Lucy wanted nothing to do with having her front paws touched. Freckles stood there and had a look like, "Screw you but get it over with" the entire time. I am proud to report that their bellies look smooth and clean.....

....but, the rest of them look pretty rough, scruffy and patchy. I have a LONG way to go before taking grooming to the next level. Don't look at Lucy's front legs. They are giant puffs of gnarly hair. I gave up. Don't look at Freckles right thigh, as I shaved a giant bald spot right there....

....I can't wait until tomorrow, when I can try my hand at some more grooming. (Maybe on the wife's hair while she is sleeping.)

As for the eating, there was plenty of time to eat between episodes of painting and grooming. As for the weeding, I had to find something to do while the paint was drying, the dogs were hiding and the I was full from all the eating. I like to weed. I find it very relaxing, almost zen-like. This does not mean you should email me with requests to weed your yard. I like weeding my OWN yard. I can weed for hours at a time....if only I didn't need to paint, groom and eat, I could weed the entire weekend........

The wall? Well, it looks better to me and I'm glad I took my time to do it correctly (meaning: waiting between coats), but it still has "the slightly crooked bangs effect" and I still want to work on it but I will have to keep telling myself to step away from the paint and leave it alone.

Well, I can always wait eight years and try again......

P.S. Madonna Whore Update: My mother sent me an email indicating that my name is most certainly Madonna. Well, kind of. She writes, "Did you ever tell you how Grandma insisted you'd be baptized "Madonna" as the priest (or the church) wouldn't recognize your name as a catholic name? Hmmm Can I say I named you after her?"