Trying to Live as "Less-is-More;" Confessions of a Madonna Whore

Last night, I was laying on the couch, having a terminal case of couch potato-ness. I was too pooped to pop, or so I told myself. Now, I usually work out between 6:15 PM-7 PM, but there it was--6:30 PM and I was still on the couch, drooling on myself. I didn't exactly want to get up and do anything physical, despite knowing those cheesy wiblets would soon be getting on a cruise ship. 6:31 PM, still on the couch. What I really wanted to do is take a nap. 6:32 pm--eyes still closed but guilt building ever so slightly. 6:33 pm--what guilt? I'm not getting off this couch. Then, at 6:43 pm, I thought of Less-is-More (see previous blogs just a few entries ago). "Less-is-More wouldn't lay on the couch--SHE would be working out!" This gets me to open my eyes. I think of how Less-is-More has lost 100 lbs and it wasn't by being a couch potato. I think of being on that cruise with my cheesy leg wiblets. 6:44 pm, I am off the couch and loading the DVD, looking for my gal Jillian Michaels. You go, Less-is-More!


You faithful readers know that I am a Madonna Whore. (If you do not know this, you really should look up those old Blog entries labeled "Confessions of a Madonna Whore" from June 2006. But, you'll be able to figure all this out even if you don't go back and read about me and MJagger going to several of her concerts that Summer. Orgasmic!) Well, her new CD is out ("Hard Candy") and as hard it is for me to admit this, I am not sure what to think about this album....which is a painful thing for such a whore. People magazine gave it four stars, so that's a good sign. But, most other critics have just trashed the album, made fun of Ester for trying to use 20 year olds to sound current, made sure that the Universe knows that Miriah Carey's album (yuk!) is going to SMASH this one to smithereens. Of course, other reviews trashed Madonna's "American Life" album and I loved that one. What do critics really know?

On the plus side, I have found that the tunes have gotten "stuck" in my head, so I think that is a really good sign--my brain spits out the songs when I'm sitting at my desk, while trying to fall asleep, when trying not to think of the songs. The songs are catchy and have an awesome disco beat (albeit a bit too techno for my usual taste, but I'm old and crusty). I've decided I like listening to the album with headphones on more than I like on a stereo, as there are some fun things going on with the way the whole thing was mixed. There are three or four songs that I really like and find myself humming spontaneously through the day. It IS growing on me. Even the wife says the album is growing on her. But.....I'll start with my disappointments (the horror! the horror!) and move on to my love professions.....

.....Madge, what is with the mullet hair? Madge, I don't like it! You have such a good look going on in real life--how could you do the mullet? Please don't bring it back! I'm sure it's a wig or some funky thing they did with your "real" hair, so I'm not too traumatized....I enjoyed it the first time around and sported one myself, but really! We must save the world from the Return of the Mullet.

Second of all, the lyrics. Um, they haven't gotten any more profound over the years, not that I really expected them to....something about them don't resonate with me as much this album.

Third--did Guy have an affair on you or what? What is up with that "She's Not Me" song? I know, I know, just because an artist writes/paints/draws/acts out something does not mean the events actually happened to him or her, but I gotta say, whatever the inspiration, you need to get in the yoga studio and let it go. Maybe you didn't write that song (I'll have to go read the album liners...pr, maybe your husband was planning a surprise party for you and was acting like a freak and thus you thought he was having an affair) .And, "Incredible" is not so incredible in my mind but I get that stupid tune stuck in my head and I find myself getting irritated by that.

Fourth (technically about the video but from the album, nonetheless): What is UP with that video of showing people's insides fading "in?" I know it's something artsy and that I'm probably missing something really simple while being profound, but I don't get it and it gives me the creeps. The song is rockin' and Justin Timberlake is awesome, but the people's insides...ugh! Will someone PLEASE tell me what this is all about, especially in relation to saving the world?!

Moving on to the happier side of this Madonna Whore's delightful Hard Candy tinglings. Like I said, I love three of the songs. I do mean love. I could listen to them all day. In fact, I DO listen to them all day. I discovered that I can turn the volume down on the Jillian tape and play the Madonna album and it works out (no offense to Jillian--I only did this once and won't make it a habit--it's just that the beat did indeed keep me moving as my thighs screamed out for mercy).

I love that Miss M keeps trying to stay current. Bringing in today's hot youngsters is rather a brilliant idea and keeps things as they say "fresh." It would be easy to stagnate or do the same thing over and over again. (Hear that, Five-octave Miriah? Fresh!) I know the gay boys are loving this album, throwing themselves across the dance floor with reckless abandon.

And, as many people know, sometimes listening to an album several times over brings more and more enjoyment--the thing "grows" on you. This is definitely growing on me. So, I have much hope for this diddy.

And and, if you didn't know it, Madonna is going to be FIFTY this year. Fifty! Look at her! How does a 50 year old look so good? Diet? Religion? Yoga? Modern medical miracles? Formaldehyde? Oxygen tanks? Seaweed smoothies? I'd pay money to have arms like that. I'm not so impressed that there aren't any wrinkles showing on her face; I'm impressed by how in shape she is and how darn good she looks. I don't see one cheesy wiblet. Not one. Don't tell me about the beauty of air-brushing and computer technology--I saw the lady in person and there was not one thing a-jiggling or a cheesy-ing. She can go for days, as evidenced in the two hour concerts MJagger and I attended. The lady never stopped moving for two hours and it wasn't just walking back and forth on a stage--it was non-stop jumping and dancing and hopping and running and horse-riding.

I know Madge has the stamina to repeat such efforts during her "Hard Candy" tour, and I know there will be a tour and I know MJagger and I will spend ridiculous amounts of money to be there for the tour and I know we will be in our glory, professing our love for this "Hard Candy" album, as by then we will have grown to love the songs and will be saying how good the album is. These thoughts lead me to feel like a "good" Madonna Whore once again and all is well in my world. I have decided I will listen to the new album as soon as I'm done typing this and I will stop babbling and start working out. It's Back Side time and there is a boat in a port with my name on it and my back side needs to be ready.

In closing, I think the only persons who can "take" Madonna right now are "Less-is-More" or Jillian Michaels....

.....and my money is on Madonna.