MRSA, Poop and Puke

I haven't spoken about bodily functions (mine or others') for some time now, so I have to get back on track. I had a lot of time to think about things such as this while sitting in the ER with a client today, so stand back!

Being in a hospital screams one things these days: MRSA! That's mer-sah to you newbies. Don't be spelling it out--say it, Mer-sah. Unless you've been in a coma or out of the country, I know you've heard all the hoopla about this problem. Why, here's a photo of MRSA (or of a close-up of a Dancing with the Stars dress...it's hard to tell which is which). Thanks to newsday or newsweek or news something for the photo.

Anyhoo, I am standing in the ER thinking "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! DON'T PUT YOUR BAG ON THE FLOOR! DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE! FOR GOD'S SAKE--DON'T BREATHE!" Why? Because of MRSA, that's why. That's all the news on TV babbles about. Hard not to think about it in this MRSA-infested hospital hole.

Many of you may not know that MRSA is NOT a new thing. In fact, we have been yipping about it for years and years where I work. I'd almost find all the ridiculous coverage on the TV funny except that MRSA isn't very funny in itself. If only the wife got a nickel for every time I've said, "Geez, they act like this is something new," she'd be rich.

MRSA isn't something to laugh at, but I laugh anyway.

I spit in the face of MRSA.

Actually, the letters M-R-S-A remind me of my mother, as it technically spells Mrs. A, so that's a nice thing. Maybe I should start calling it Mrs. A instead of Mer-sah. That sounds so much more friendly.

I think I escaped the ER without a Mrs. A attack but only time will tell. I am now in the process of trying to figure out what I should sterilize and what I should just spit on.....

Bad news in the Addiverse: the wife and I think Freckles may be bulimic. Now, I've never heard of a bulimic dog, but Freckles Warrior Princess has produced a "food sausage" every night for the past four nights. We haven't seen her put her paw down her throat or anything, so I guess she's not technically truly bulimic. If you are asking what a food sausage is, let me describe it for you: (1) Freckles snarfs down her leftover dinner at 10 PM (don't ask why she's eating at this time at night); (2) Freckles has a long drink of water; (3) foooooooood fooooooood foooooood sausage blurps out. Here is Freckles ignoring me talking about her food sausages (yes, her eyes are closed, as in all photos of her).

A food sausage is exactly what it sounds like--it's food that comes right back out looking like when it went in, only now it's in a long sausage shape. In fact, it looks so much like the food that just went in that I am tempted to just let her eat it again....but, I pick it up with a napkin and throw it away. The good news is that no carpet cleaner is truly needed, as there is no stain or smell (besides the food smell). She's made many a food sausage before but never four nights in a row.

Don't be getting panicked--she eats her first course at 5 PM without incident. Nothing comes back up so it's not like there is some ridiculous medical problem. For some reason, that second batch doesn't want to stay in there. If I remember, I'll take a photo of her next sausage and post it here so you can see what I'm talking about. Lucky you.

As for the poop part of the story....well, you know how mind over matter can really screw you up? Try going to work and have them tell you, "the water will be off in the building from this time to that time." Then, try not to panic while thinking.... what....if....I..... have....to...... POOP?

Of course, the minute you start thinking this way, your bowels start rumbling and you are so screwed. It could be ten years between bouts of ever pooping at work and then you hear this and you suddenly have an urge to poop. You may never have pooped at work before and you will suddenly need to do so. It's just a fact.

Be still, my cramping bowel!

So, I'm sitting at my desk in the wee hours of the morning because I get to work so early and I'm sitting there reading the email that says the water will be off from 7:30 AM-10 AM and I'm thinking, "Oh god, what if I have to poop?"

You think I'm kidding? I am so not.

I'm sitting at my desk and start to make contingency plans....well, I could try to drive to.....well, nothing else is open close by....well, I'll need a little lead time to get to where I am going....well, I could poop in the parking lot.... you get the idea....maybe I should go somewhere and just be safe. Maybe I should go home for the morning. Maybe.....

You'll be happy to know I didn't have to poop in the parking lot or anywhere else, but I sure did think I felt poop a rumbling down there, not because it needed to but just because it could.

Maybe that's why Freckles makes food sausages--not because she needs to but because she can....