Praise the 8 pound 6 ounce Baby Jesus!

The wife and I noticed that our fingernail clippers were missing a few weeks back. How we lost them is beyond us—we’ve kept them in the same drawer for over twelve years. I loved those clippers, but they were nowhere to be found. So, we secured a new pair (not as lovely as the first but able to do the job), put them in the same drawer….guess what? Now THAT pair is gone, too! The wife and I just stared at each other. It’s not like anyone’s been visiting and the dogs can’t reach the drawer. So, I say to the Fingernail clippers muses of the world: “Okay, okay—joke’s over. Very funny. We would like our clippers back.” For those of you who have been reading the blog for awhile, you know I’ve been told (by Moriah the Medium) I have a spirit guide named Grover. (I don’t make this crap up and don’t be telling me I need more anti- psychotic medication. You’ll piss me and Grover off.) So…. “If it’s you Grover, thanks for the laugh, but my nails are looking gnarly, so bring ‘em back.”

To learn more about Grover, copy and paste: http://addiwp.blogspot.com/2006/01/grover-spirit-guide-moriah-medium-if.html

Speaking of spirit guides….sort of….the wife is on a mission to find a church. (The wife’s family is chanting, “Praise Jesus!” in our honor, I’m sure.) Last weekend, it was “Unity;” yesterday, it was “Heartland.” The wife didn’t care much for Unity, as there was too much hugging and not enough anonymity. I didn’t care much for Heartland because it smacked of TV evangelical-lesbos-burn-in-hell” conviction. In Heartland’s defense, the music was awesome, the 5000 people seemed nice, the parking lot traffic was professionally handled, the technology is so good it has to be seen to believe—they’ve turned an old mall into a techno-genius-theatre—and the production is sleek. Too bad they started talking about wanting my money during the first TWO minutes of the show—at least the Catholics wait until the end of Mass to start asking for money.

I’m hoping we can try the Unitarians next outing, as they believe in almost everything and don’t fry the gay people in Hell.

Xena didn’t have to worry about the Pope or Limbo—all she had to worry about Zeus and Hera and the various Gods on Olympus and since her friend Hercules was half man, half mortal, that helped her cause. Having the God of War in love with you never hurts, either. Xena never burned in Hell, but she visited it many a time during the series and Gabby even went on to give birth to the Devil’s child (how can you not love this show??!!), who of course was named “Hope” and went on to kill Xena’s son. My hero also battled many an arc-angel and made many a shamanic journey (quite to my delight—I am SO about the shamans).

I suppose Xena was one of the first disciples to Jesus: she & Gabby hung out with “Eli,” the guy who believed in one God (read: Jesus) and who had the gift of healing….not to mention how Xena’s daughter went on to be the “Messenger of Eli.” (We won’t mention how Xena & Gabby were crucified by the Romans or how many times they both died during the series.) Maybe I can make a case for Xena being Catholic….

….maybe not.

I’ll keep you up-to-date on the “church search.” Suggestions welcomed, as long as I don’t have to dress up and I don’t have to give money to anyone like the “Mrs. Farting Preacher” http://youtube.com/watch?v=DI-7UMzMc5k (Mrs. Farting Preacher) or Farting Preacher Jingle Bells (just in time for the holidays). http://youtube.com/watch?v=pFvPMqxb_rE

All this church talk makes me think of Will Ferrell-Ricky Bobby loving the baby Jesus, http://youtube.com/watch?v=vuAUI_0knfk (shake n bake, 8 pound 6 ounce baby Jesus!) which makes me think of how I made the wife watch “Blades of Glory” this weekend. Not exactly her kind of movies, but I’ve been waiting to see it for months. If you haven’t seen “Blades,” it’s worth it just for the “North Korean Iron Lotus” scene…..