A Night in the Local Emergency Room

No, no--not for me--I was in the emergency room at the local hospital as part of my job. I won't talk about the client who I was there to see, but I will talk about all the things I witnessed while in the ER....it became a surreal comedy while I was there and I couldn't help but think, "this crap will be so perfect for my blog!" I will tell you "my" client was lying on a gurnee in a public area--there were no available ER rooms--wearing her Blue Blockers sunglasses--her position in the ER gave me GREAT view of the ER happenings. We couldn't help overhearing everything going on....I've never seen the ER so busy. There was a FIVE hour wait for those who needed stitches....there were people everywhere--in the waiting room, outside, in the hallways, in the parking lot. I knew it was going to be a long night but didn't mind because there was so much entertainment to be had.

The client and I were "parked" next to three other patients. The nearest guy was a very, very drunk man (with a blood level of 4.0!!) who had a terminal case of phlegm balls. He was hocking phlegm balls bigger than my car--then, he'd spit and vomit and make all sorts of gross noises. The security guard and I would just look at each other and try not to gag. He kept saying, "Nurse! I need a drink of water!" over and over and over. He then yell, "I'm going through withdrawal!" The nurse kindly reminded him he was NOT withdrawing as his blood alcohol level was still 4.0 and there was no way he'd be detoxing with that much booze in him. So, we were left with his loogies and puking.

Next to him was a lady who was supposedly having an appendicitis. Now, I have had the pleasure of actually having appendicitis and I can tell you this lady was definitely NOT having one. She was on her cell phone the entire time....I'm not kidding. She'd call her friends, tell them, "yeah, I'm in the ER with stomach pain...probably appendicitis....I'll call you when I know more." She was on the phone so much that the nurse actually said to her, "You know, there is such a thing as Terminal Cell Phone-itis." The patient didn't get it but I did and I laughed out loud. Old Cell Phone lady kept yipping and yipping and yipping. I then heard her say, "Chicken? With Barbeque sauce? Hmm hmm. Yeah, save some for me, I'll be there as soon as I can get out of here." Ah, the magic cure for appendicitis--homemade barbeque chicken. (Why hadn't I thought of that? I could've saved myself the surgery!)She called the nurse, told her "I'm not having any more pain--I'm leaving." Off she went, smiling and almost skipping. So much for the belly ache.

Next to her was a kid that had been bitten in the face by the neighbor's dog. Don't get to worried--it was one puncture wound to the face and he looked no worse for the wear. He had a horrible time sitting still while waiting for the doctor...after all, he was probably only seven years old. He was all over the place, announcing that he didn't want stitches because he had stitches EIGHT TIMES before. His very overweight mom was there, complete in teeny, tiny tank top--naked belly hanging WAY out underneath the shirt--and grey stretch pants that were about thirty sizes too small. For some reason, she wasn't wearing shoes but instead only had what used to be white socks on (they were now grey yucky from walking around without shoes on). The kid was covered in dirt and the nurses spent much time trying to get him to wash his hands. They did not succeed. He was a champ when given the one stitch he needed. God bless that doctor--she was fabulous with him....but, she couldn't get him to wash his hands, either.

After what seemed like days (and was really was many, many hours), my client was admitted to the hospital, but there was nowhere to put her because the entire hospital was filled. This meant she got to stay right on the gurnee in the ER. Once she was officially admitted, I was able to leave her to her own fun and enjoyment in the ER. She still had her Blue Blockers on when I left.

While driving home, I literally praised Jesus and Grover that I would NOT be needing medical attention on this night...if I were to have a medical emergency, I think I would give up being a vegetarian and go out and find some of that magical barbeque chicken....