Maska-medical-licious

 Just another week in COVID hell. 

Not the disease. The people. Arguing, bickering, shaming, name-calling, pointing. Sigh. It's exhausting. The news has no balance. Posts are outlandish. The political slant to everything is painful.

And now, the mask mandate is "back." Masks are required indoors. Not that masks were ever really gone. I never stopped wearing one, so I have nothing much to say about the return of the mandate. The mask mandate has people FREAKING OUT and claiming their rights are being violated or chanting how masks are killing their children and I'm over here, cheering. Loudly. 

Why? Why do I cheer from behind my mask? Chin hairs. Jowls. Boogers. Poppy seeds. Acne. That's why.

So, while others are busy proving how science is right or wrong, I'm over hear smiling about the ten chin hairs I no longer worry about. I'm happy that my jowls are safely tucked behind the mask, making me look years younger. I never worry if there is a bat in the batcave. I have nary a care after eating something with a poppy seed as even if it's stuck in my teeth, no one is the wiser. I can have a big, inflamed pimple and it's hidden from sight. Happy jowls, hidden flaws, happy life. 

Bonus points for my oxygen level being fine despite all this mask-wearing. I was at the doctor's office the other day and they checked my oxygen as well as my pulse. My oxygen was as normal, even though I had been wearing a mask for hours. Shoo! I was worried. (No, I was not worried about my oxygen level. The only thing I was worried about was my weight. God knows THAT is something to worry about. I didn't poop before my office visit. That's gotta be worth five pounds, minimum.)

Let's talk my doctor visit. I went only because my doctor's office called and said I hadn't been there in years and I needed to come in for a physical. When my turn arrived, the nurse did her nursing thing and asked me questions:

Nurse: So, why are you here?

Me: (shrugs shoulders) I dunno. A physical, I guess?

Nurse: You're funny! Are you having any problems?

Me: No.

Nurse: Have you been sick?

Me: No.

Nurse: Do we prescribe any of your medication?

Me: No.

Nurse: So, why are you here?

Me: Because the office called me and told me I needed to come in for a physical and so here I am.

Nurse: Like a pap?

Me: OH GOD NO. Not that. Just a.... a wellness check, maybe?

Nurse: You're so funny. Maybe the doctor will order some lab work.

Me: Okay. (WHY does she keep saying I'm funny?)

The doctor enters.

Doctor: Why are you here?

Me: Because the office called and said I needed to come in for a physical.

Doctor: Do we prescribe your meds?

Me: No.

Doctor: Have you been sick?

Me: No.

Doctor: Have you had a mammogram?

Me: This morning, one hour ago.

Doctor: Huh. Let me order some bloodwork. 

Me: Okay.

I'm sitting there, wondering if an insurance thing or a doctor's office thing or something else, but it seems no one finds a wellness check to be of the norm. Thankfully, the doctor adds, "if we don't see you for three or more years, you have to start over as a new patient. You're no longer considered an established patient.

Me: So, even though I've been coming to this office since the 1980's, if I don't visit, I'm no longer a patient and have to start over.

Doctor: You are correct.

Me: That makes no sense.

Doctor: Have you had your shingles shot?

Me: So, I should come here, even if there is nothing wrong?

Doctor: You can come in for a physical. Check your insurance. Most don't pay for the shingles shot.

Me: Sigh. At least she can't see my chin hairs.

So, I had my bloodwork done and, as was true with my oxygen, everything was fabulous. I am scientific proof that you can wear a mask for 1.5 years and not be a total medical disaster. In fact, I might be healthier than I was before I started wearing a mask.

I'm mask..a...medical...licious! 

I am going to keep wearing a mask for the rest of my life. The pros are just too good to give up. No common cold, no flu, no zits scaring other people, no boogers hanging around, unsuspected. I will still be wearing a mask when I return to the doctor in three years for my next physical. My guess? I'll show up and the nurse will say, "you're funny." 

So, if my mask fires you up about your freedom being ripped from your very being, just ignore me. Don't wear a mask. You can say whatever you want but I'm going to wear my mask. 

I might... just might... tell you there is something in your teeth as rebuttal, even though your pearly whites are just fine. 

Happy jowls, hidden flaws, happy life.  

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