Oh goody! A new entry to the "You Can't Make This Shit Up" file in the Addiverse.
I figure we could use a few laughs, so why not laugh at my expense?
Every word of what I'm about to write is true. After all, you can't make this shit up.
Yesterday, after the IT guy saw all the cords under my desk, I decided it was time to untangle, unplug, remove, recycle and/or rearrange plugs as appropriate. He didn't chastise me but I could tell he was bit taken aback at what was going on under my desk.
Thankfully, he said nothing about the Dove Dark Chocolate foil wrappers, a runaway peanut, the well-hidden bottle of hand sanitizer, crumpled sticky notes and a bevy of pretzel crumbs.
Let me paint you a picture. Under my desk (which is a really large space, perfect for storage, cords and parties), there were cords for two cell phones, two computers, two Chromebooks, two plant lights, the monitor, a badge maker, the office phone, one timer, an Ethernet cord (used for the office phone) and a no-longer-in-use old-school phone cord. I didn't think was too bad; in fact, I would consider that a normal amount of cords for an office. I had, on occasion, fretted about the power strips in use, but quickly moved on to worrying about other things (like, how I don't have any chocolate in my office at this moment). He noted that "daisy chaining" one of the power strips to an extension cord was not appropriate, which I could only concur and already knew. What can I say--desperate times, desperate measures. He asked me a few questions about this and that cord. I pointed out the old-school phone cord and he said there was no need for that cord whatsoever. Since it was still plugged in to the wall, I asked if I could unplug it and then toss it. He nodded in agreement and then went merrily on his way.
I stared at the underbelly of my desk. Seeing as its one of those all-in-one-desk-files-credenza, there is no moving it out of the way, but I figured I wouldn't have to do that, anyway. (In case you're wondering, the phone cord, Ethernet Cord and power strips were plugged in before the desk-files-credenza were installed.) I unplugged this and that, removed them and put some of the cords away in a desk drawer. I un-daisy-changed the power strip from the extension cord and then put that extra cord away, too.
The old-school phone cord remained. It was the only cord that actually bothered me because (1) it is really long and (2) it is white. The other cords are black, so they kinda-sorta blended in. The cord disappeared under the desk, so I knew the phone was plugged into some phone jack I had never seen. I looked around for where the cord was plugged in so I could unplug it and then throw it away. Using my phone flashlight, I peered around....
Of course, the phone jack for the land-line was behind the desk, next to where the desk stopped and the credenza stopped. Along with the landline was the Ethernet cord, also plugged in to the outlet. I took a gander at the small space between the desk and the wall... took a look at my skinny arm (thankfully, not bulked up by any muscle mass) and figured I could reach the jack.
Yes, I could reach the jack. It took some maneuvering and a lot of contorting, but I got that cord unplugged.
I pulled the cord out..... only to find.... that I had unplugged the Ethernet cord. Piss. The Ethernet cord is in use. My office phone doesn't work without it. Piss, piss, piss. I figured I might as well get the old-school phone cord out of there was the Ethernet wasn't in the way. I shoved my arm back into the abyss and, again with a lot of finagling, was able to unplug the phone cord from the jack.
Now, about that Ethernet cord.
For the record, it is a lot easier to unplug things than plug them back in.
Despite use of my very-helpful phone flashlight, I couldn't see how the plug was configured. I couldn't tell if the Ethernet cord jack was the top or the lower jack. (I had pulled the Ethernet cord out withoug being able to see a thing; hence, I didn't know much of anything.) I couldn't see if the little Ethernet cord thingy was on the top or the bottom of the actual jack. I figured I'd just have to try and plug it in and use trial and error along the way.
Because of the angle, I knew I'd have to reach down further behind the desk. In fact, I had to lay on my desk so I could get my arm in a position so I could bend the cord so it would have any chance of going back into the jack. I moved my cell phone out of the way, as I didn't want that to fall behind the desk. Good thinking!
Butt in the air, body splayed across the desk, I leaned my head against the wall in the effort to see the jack. This time, I didn't pull up my sweatshirt sleeve. I didn't think about it. Ethernet cord in hand, I just shoved my arm between the desk and wall. Try as I might, I couldn't maneuver the cord to fit into the jack.
I reached in further, all the while muttering, "don't drop the cord, don't drop the cord, don't drop the cord."
I started to get uncomfortable as there is only so long you can remain in an awkward position of which I happened to be in. I went to pull out my arm...
...and, it was stuck.
I don't mean kinda stuck. I mean it was stuck and there was not pulling it out of there.
I stopped for a minute, chuckling about all the times I wondered how someone could get their head stuck in bannister rails or body parts stuck in a mountain crevice. I relaxed and gave myself a few moments to breathe. I then pulled again...
...and I'm telling you, that skinny arm of mine was most certainly stuck and hurt like a bitch when I tried to escape. The sweatshirt must've increased the "size" of my arm and although it was willing to go "in," it was not willing to come out. In addition, I had maneuvered my arm in such a position that my elbow was in the way. I tried to get the sweatshirt off but it was too wedged into the small space. Piss, piss, piss.
I pondered my options. I realized I could use my cell phone to call someone upstairs... but, I had moved the cell phone out of the way. I could see it--I just couldn't reach it. I tried to use my foot to kick it my way but I still couldn't reach it. Piss.
I looked at my office door. Shut. Of course it was. I'd have to start yelling pretty loudly to get someone's attention. Piss.
I realized I would have to pull that arm out of there, no matter the pain. It was that or chew my arm off or wait til someone came to turn the office lights off for the day... which was five hours away. Piss.
It took a LOT of effort. A lot of pain. A lot of, "DON'T YOU DROP THAT F**KING CORD NOW" focus. I pulled. I tugged. I grunted. I huffed and puffed. Finally, oh my god, finally, my arm popped out. I could feel the bruises and swelling burst forth immediately upon release.
For the record, I did NOT drop the cord.
Suffice it to say, I never got my Ethernet cord plugged back in. I had to put a work order in so Maintenance could take apart my desk to get to the jack. Rather a humiliating work order to submit but there was no other way to get the cord plugged back in.
It was then I realized that the old-school-cord, the one that started this whole mess, was still behind the desk. The part that plugs into the wall made it impossible to pull it out from under the desk. Piss on that. I cut that stupid cord in half, gladly threw away the part I could reach and left the other part behind the desk where it lay. The hell if was going to try and get that cord.
Maintenance did indeed come, take apart my desk and plug in the Ethernet cord. Humorously enough, they did not put my desk back together. Perhaps they thought I should vacuum back there or get the cut-in-half phone cord or they figured they'd have to come back someday and there was no need to screw the pieces back together.
I didn't bother to tell them my arm had been stuck behind my desk. Don't ask, don't tell. They didn't ask how the Ethernet cord got unplugged in the first place. They didn't ask why I unplugged the cord. They just unscrewed the desk, plugged in the cord and left. Damn if I'm going to complain.
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I may have to take photos of the bruises because they are photo-worthy. They tell the tale. You can see the problem my knobby elbow caused. The bruises are such a give-a-way. I suppose they are a badge of honor--after all, I didn't have to chew my arm off or wait five hours for rescue.
I will NEVER again make fun of anyone who gets any body part stuck anywhere. I now get it. You can get stuck. Something might go in but there is no guarantee it will come out.
To all who have had to chew off a body part while stuck in a mountain crevice, I get it. I raise my bruised arm in solidarity. I will vacuum under my desk. I will stay away from the part of my desk that remains unscrewed. I will definitely leave all remaining cords where they are. I will keep my cell phone close and my office door open. I will tell my tale in your honor, all the while insisting it is possible to have a body part go into a small space but then not come out.
You can't make this shit up. You just can't. And for that, I am grateful!
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