Return of Friendly Neighbor

Last night, it snowed, sleeted, rained and made these weird little ice/snow pellets, all in a frenzied combination. Mother Nature went into overdrive, leaving behind a seasonal pain in the ass kind of snow, spitting her snot onto our front stairs, resulting a sheet of solid ice on the steps and a snow-covered driveway sealed within a sheet of snotty concrete ice. With my history of slipping on the front stairs, resulting in a broken tailbone, I found myself less than amused.

As the dogs needed to go out (after all, don't you pee upon getting out of bed?), safe passage was created. It a wee bit terrifying, seeing as the ice-covered stairs were between me and them. I penguin-walked my way toward the door, muttering as I slid toward the front door. The wife doesn't have the same terror about ice that I have. I'm babbling about needing salt and she's babbling about taking the dogs out and I'm demanding the salt... she just about threw the salt container at me. I can't blame her. But, I am terrified of breaking my tailbone again.... I take salting seriously.

Side note: I'm sure anyone watching our Ring doorbell video would find my banter with the wife quite amusing. It's like a having a front-row seat to a reality TV show. If you are wondering who might be watching our Ring doorbell video, I am confident we are being watched by foreign governments. so I always say hello to the Russians. I dunno. Maybe it's the Chinese. I'm sure they love hearing our banter:
Boris: "They're at it again."
Vladimir: "What is wrong with that one?"
Boris: "Eh. Wimpy America looks scared of ice on stairs."
Vladimir: "Pass me the vodka. This is gonna be good."
Boris: I'm calling Chen in China. He'll love this."

Thankfully, we received a new snowblower at the end of last winter. (Yes, received--it was a gift.) It's perfect for mornings such as these. Unfortunately for wimpy old me, I almost get a hernia trying to operate it--I just don't have any upper body strength. I'm a wimpy thing. It may be automatic-driven but you still have to push it, especially when it comes to ice covered snow, and it's super heavy. Hell, I can barely push it on dry pavement.

I can't believe the wife even allows me to snow blow, considering the great 1998 snow-blowing incident. It's a great story of which I'm asked to tell now and again. I daresay this is the perfect time to recall the debacle. So, without further ado, I recall the story for your enjoyment.....

It's snowing. It's 1998. It's the wife’s fault. Not the snow. The incident.

Flash back to the 90's. It's snowing. I'm giddy because we have a brand new snowblower. I've been waiting to use it. I'm all smiles about this snow. But, before I say more about this, I must speak of being an unfriendly neighbor.

The wife was always accusing me as being “unfriendly neighbor.” This title was bestowed upon me because I supposedly didn't spend much time interacting with any of our neighbors. She claimed I didn’t even wave to them, but that wasn't true...I half-waved when in view of neighbors. I just didn't stop and yip or engage them any further. (Okay, so that might be a LITTLE unfriendly but it wasn’t like I was giving anyone “the finger” or lighting poop-in-a-bag on the porch or anything.) I agree I wasn’t half as friendly as the wife was; she was always visiting or talking or discussing gardening—whatever. I was in the house having a cool beverage while she was yipping. It seemed better that way.

As I ALWAYS listen to the wife, I finally took her words to heart. On a very, very, very snowy evening, I decided to be FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR.

The wife had just purchased a new snow blower and I was very excited to see the snow, as this meant I would have the chance to use the new machine. I am SO about snow blowers. I was in winter bliss as I plowed up and down the driveway. 

Once done, I looked up and down our street. Hmm. No one else was snow blowing yet and the snow was piling up......

I decided that it would indeed qualify me for friendly neighbor status if I cleared a few driveways for our nearest neighbors.
I plowed the neighbor to the north’s driveway.
I plowed the neighbor across the street driveway.
I plowed the neighbor to the south’s driveway. 

That seemed friendly enough. I was covered in snow and sweating like a pig, so I thought I’d call it a day. After all, there is only so much friendly one can take in one outing.

Then, I thought I should do one…more….driveway—the neighbor kitty-corner from us. They were a young couple and I knew they didn’t have a snowblower. What’s one more driveway? So, I pushed the snow blower across the street and gave one more round of Friendly Neighbor snow blowing….

….I should have stopped.

I pushed the snowblower right down the middle of their driveway, heading from the street to the garage. I’m not kidding—right down the middle—
not to the left,
not to the right—
Right.Down.The.Middle. 

I’m halfway to the driveway when there is this bloodcurdling SCRREEEEECH....

....the tree to the right SNAPS down toward the ground....

....the tree SNAPS right back up.....

....the Christmas lights come RIPPING off the tree....

.....the snow blower SCREAMS like it’s been hit by a truck....

....the Christmas lights come RIPPING off the garage gutter: BAM BAM BAM BAM like a machine gun shooting off rounds. 

The brand new snowblower comes to a GRINDING halt.

Shit. All there is...is silence. Total silence. 

Our neighbors had a large orange extension cord running down the MIDDLE OF THE DRIVEWAY. Now, why anyone would have an extension cord in the middle of the driveway, I do not know, but I DO know that it was attached to the Christmas lights on the garage and to the Christmas lights on that poor little tree that bent in half as the lights ripped off of it. 

I couldn’t see the cord because it was under a foot of snow.

There I stood in the partially-plowed driveway, extension cord and Christmas lights sucked into the snow blower that no longer worked. These lights, of course, were not the cheapy-kind most people use these days. Oh no, these were the old-fashioned big lights, probably from their grandparents as a gift...the expensive kind you can’t buy anymore.The gutter was hanging slightly off the garage. The lights, of course, were off and no longer softly glowing in the falling snow. 

How I wasn’t killed by electrocution, I’ll never know.

Since it sounded like a truck hit the house when this all happened, the neighbors came running out (in their bare feet, I might add). What could I do but say….

….”Uhhhhhh, hi, I’m your neighbor.”

Piss on this friendly neighbor shit! This sucks. Why the hell did I think being a friendly neighbor was a good idea? This is the wife's fault!

It took the neighbor guy about thirty minutes to get the various cords out of the snow blower. Yes, he is the one who pulled the cords out. (Thankfully, he put on his shoes before joining me in the driveway.) I just stood there. I didn't know what to say. I finally muttered a few words about trying to be a good neighbor but I could tell he wanted to hear NOTHING of which I might have to say.

No, their driveway never got plowed.
No, their Christmas lights weren't salvageable.
No, their gutter never got put back into place.
No, the neighbors didn't have friendly neighbor banter with me.
Yes, I felt like a complete moron....

...At least the tree had snapped back to an upright position and I hadn't been electrocuted...right?

I sadly and slowly pushed the still-jammed snow blower back across the street and parked it in the garage, not knowing if I had destroyed the new machine in addition to destroying the neighbor’s holiday decorations. I wanted to vomit. I dreaded telling the wife. It was going to be awful telling the wife about ruining the brand new snowblower. The walk of shame had to commence. 

I'm not sure which part the wife found the worst: ruining a brand new snowblower, alienating the neighbors or destroying vintage Christmas lights. She too was rather silent but her stare said all I needed to hear. 

Thankfully, the snow blower was okay....no worse for the wear... 

but, those neighbors moved in the spring.

So much for that friendly neighbor crap.

For the record, I never replaced their Christmas lights because I couldn't find the type they had. But, I did buy them a new kick-ass, heavy-duty extension cord. That has to count for something. I don't recall what happened with the gutter but I think it was fixed before they moved..... I didn't exactly go over there and ever talk to them....

It's 2020. It's snowing. It's 6 AM. The streets are silent. I have the new snowblower in the driveway. No one has shoveled or cleared their driveways yet. This new snowblower is made for the task. I could redeem myself. I could try one more time to be a friendly neighbor....

...like I said, piss on that. I prefer gutters remain attached to houses and that the new snowblower remain in tact. I'd rather the Russians watch me slip on ice than destroy neighbor property. I take my wimpy self outside and I do the best I can, in OUR driveway and our driveway only. 

I prefer to be retain my unfriendly neighbor status. Friendly neighbor status is WAY over-rated. I leave that to the wife. Half-waves will suffice for me. Half-waves and back into the house I go.

Besides, I have PTSDD: Post Traumatic Snowblowing Disaster Disorder. I have enough flashbacks. I don't need any more. Snow blow your own damn driveway and save yourself from certain doom.

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