Don't get me wrong. This place is well-known. I know many, many people who have taken their dogs there and it's been a great thing. It's not like it's a bad place. Let's just say it's a..... serious place. Seriously--I am not a serious person. Our dogs are not serious. None of us have intention to be serious. So, it's seriously funny that non-serious beings ended up with a serious bunch of serious dog trainers.How we lived through Week One, I do not know.
I originally planned only to take Bandido, but the wife indicated a desire to take Rosita. I was mighty skeptical about that, but so be it--if she wanted to take the dog who needed six months to learn her name to obedience class, so be it. I told her I would pretend not to know her. I paid the money and wrote down the date.
Mistake #1: I didn't seek information of any kind on what we might need to bring for the first class. I registered through Facebook and Event Bright. It never dawned on me that there was probably something to know about the first night. In my infinite glory, we arrived with dogs and tickets to demonstrate paid registration. (I had a pocket full of Cheerios and some poop bags, so it's not like I didn't consider SOME things that might help.) The ladies at the front desk barked at me (pun intended) that they needed to see the registration. That, I had. Then, they growled about vet papers indicating completion of shots and fecal floats. Well, piss. That, I did not have in hand.
I pondered this a moment, all the while they glared at me. I told you--these were SERIOUS dog people. I remembered I had an email with the papers they needed. Imagine how happy they were while I scrolled through my emails, looking for the attachments from the vet. They finally shooed me away and told me to bring the papers next week.
For the record, I DID find the email and was able to shove them in their faces at the end of class. Take that, bitches. (A little dog humor there. Bitches. Get it?)
Mistake #2: Our dogs wear harnesses. Not one other dog in the place--and, there were dogs EVERYWHERE--was wearing a harness. No wonder our trainer, who I do not believe smiled one time nor was she even remotely entertained by me, looked disdained by our lack of preparation, lack of conformity and the sight of harnesses. There was no explaining why Rosita wears a harness. There were only scowls. Thankfully, I did have the dogs wear their collars along with their harnesses. I think that's the only thing that kept us from getting thrown out.
Mistake #3: Thinking we'd start at the beginning. Let's face it. Rosita knows NOTHING. Well, she knows her name and she knows how to sit if you are holding a treat and scream at her for 5 minutes, but beyond that.... The wife had never attended dog training before, she knew little of nothing, either. Bandido is a smart cookie but she's leash reactive around other dogs, so I was hoping this would be more of a meet and greet. Imagine my surprise when the trainer jumped right in to having our dogs heel and sit and whatnot.
Saying that it did not go well is probably an understatement. Rosita was everywhere except next the wife. The party pup wanted to play with all the other dogs... and, there were dogs EVERYWHERE. Agility dogs. Therapy dogs. Show dogs. Advanced dogs. It was like a five-ring circus. Poor Rosita couldn't focus for even a moment. She was like a kite at the end of her leash.
At one point, I traded Rosita for Bandido, hoping to give the wife a few moments of sanity. Bandido was too terrified to misbehave, so I figured that would also help the wife. It was soon obvious that the "driver" didn't make much difference with Rosita. She was still happy, giddy and very distracted. I gave her back to the wife.
The trainer finally had enough of Rosita. She attached the leash to Rosita's collar and had the wife start dragging her around the circle. Soon Rosita was honking. THAT'S why she wears a harness--the collar must press on a place on her throat and it leads to this horrible honking and look of terror.
I voted for honking over the sound of the trainer. I'm sorry, Rosita.
Mistake #4: Not bringing quality treats. Trainer lady did not find my Cheerios worthy. She asked, "Don't you have treats?" She then handed us some form of jerky product to use. I can't help it that Bandido was too terrified to eat cheerios and Rosita was too distracted to care. They love Cheerios at home and it's what I use to train. Piss on you, dog lady.
Mistake #5. Pretending to be a show dog. Okay, that was pretty funny. Well, to me. The trainer asked us to go fast while walking the ring. I decided that Bandido and I would pretend to be in a dog show. I actually said aloud how we were in a dog show. Bandido and I pranced around the ring, all the while I laughed. It was like the best of best scenes from "Best n Show." As we zipped by a few employees on the outside of the ring, I announced how we were in a dog show. Ha! I heard one of them laugh. The others? Not so much.
To say I dread Week Two is an understatement. At least I know to be armed with treats and to have Rosita in a collar. But, I won't be serious. I may look for a "Best in Show" t-shirt to wear. Heck, I might look for a t-shirt for Bandido to wear. I will DEFINITELY quote Best in Show as I prance around the ring. So, if you hear I said, "You've got your Busy Bee--do you want your Busy Bee?" you'll know I've stepped training up a notch.
Pray for the wife and her kite. She's gonna need all the prayers she can get.
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