Saturday, October 28, 2017

Here's the Scoop

Since I don't have time to fully blog right now (well, at least not today), I thought I'd share the scoop. I didn't write this stuff but I sure wish I did. This first diddie is from "Poopie Poems," which features the tag: "The Largest Collection of Poop Poems on the Web." 

You can find Poopie Poems at www.poopiepoems.com

These poop poems are very timely, as we are currently living in "The Poopatorium," where our dogs shoot the shit just about on command. Bad idea for me to try and wean them off their special, expensive presciption food. (Dang, it's the only thing that allows for solid poops.) It's an expense of which we can embrace because I'd rather pay money than clean up dog poop all over the kitchen.

With that in mind, I give you three of my favorite Poopie Poems. Thank you, poopers.

Dog Poo
 I know it sounds disgusting, but its a thing you have to do,
If you live with mans best friend you have to pick up poo!
They come in different sizes, thats the poo's not the dogs,
That's why I chose a little pooch, I don't want to pick up logs!
Now if my fury friend goes to toilet in the garden,
I tend to get sense of joy, if I find a harden.
Because picking up the soft ones is really quite a task,
Especially if the lawn needs mowing, your bag fills up with grass!
I like to try and keep my lawn, tidy, short and trim,
I can then spot poo's a mile off and get them bin.
Autumn makes things tricky when the leaves fall to the ground.
Its like playing spot the poo in the different shades of brown!
Now if your doggy likes to run to do his poop in peace,
Finding it to pick it up is frustrating to say the least.
In the winters frosty air, its not so difficult as it seems,
The poop will show you where it is, just look out for the steam.
I get in quite a pickle if my dog poops in a place,
Where other dogs have done their business, a dilemma I must face.
Poop Identification, is it mines, or is it not,
But I know if I get the right one, as I grab it, its still hot!
Now the most important thing of all, is if you own a dog,
When they go to toilet, poop scooping is your job.
Don't ignore the doggy mess, it may end up on someones shoe,
Make sure you always pick it up, the responsibility is down to YOU!
"Julie H-P"  

Flight of the poo
 I can imagine you sitting on the toilet right now.
Your brown baby makes his way out of the belly button of your ass.
He peeks through, and looks into the majestic waters he's about to enter. 
He glides out of you like a graceful bat, in the night sky. 
His little pellets plunge into the water like ducklings.
They sink to their shallowy grave, 
never again to be seen by man kind after the flush.
The struggle is real for fecal matter.

...and, finally....

“The more you stir it, the more it stinks.” – Brazilian proverb

The more that you stir it, the more it will stink –
The higher it’s piled, the deeper it sinks –
The more you proclaim it, the less that you know –
The greater the load, the more pompous the show –2

When you throw it, it splatters –
When you crush it, like jam it spreads out – 
When you fart, there’s always a danger that some might come out –

Go home, and it’s with you as you walk through the door –
If you don’t have enough, you can always make more –
Give it to someone you love, and they’ll soon send it back –
Released in your undies, it leaves a brown track –

Now doctors won’t tell you what any turd knows –
The more that you eat, the bigger it grows –
If it plugs up your butt, it can ruin your day –
When nature comes calling, it’s best not to delay –
So don’t blame it on God if your bowels should protest –
For to him, what we call shit is in fact one holy mess.
-Venerable Moneyya

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Loafing

Yesterday, I was sent to a local bread-making company to pick up a bunch of bread for our agency training. I wouldn't call it a bakery as they make bread, bread and bread. While driving there, I found the humor in sending the gluten-free person to pick up gluten-dripping bread.

I don't usually miss bread; after all, there are many gluten-free bread products. Oh, the substitutes aren't as delicious or nutrition or what not, but they serve to fulfill the need for bread.

I walk in to the bread place and I'm immediately SLAPPED in the face by the smell of baking bread. Hundreds and hundreds of loaves, slapping me all at the same time.

It was warm and delicious and comforting and wonderful and overpowering. I stopped for a second before approaching the counter as to inhale a most deep breath of bread air.

The owner saw me and laughed. She then assured me that reaction happens all the time.

I came to my senses and alerted her of my mission. She said the last loaf of bread was still in the oven. I indicated I was in NO hurry. One should never hurry when bread is baking.

It was then she said the words of which I did not see coming....

Baker Lady: Would you like a piece of chocolate chip pumpkin bread while you're waiting?

Me: blank stare.

Baker Lady: It's still warm.

Me: eyes wide open.

Baker Lady does't wait. She takes out the bread knife. I open my mouth to say "no thank you" (without saying anything about being gluten-free--just politely declining)...

...but, out comes, "SURE!"

Gluten-free, be damned. I've gone two years without knowingly eating gluten. I've been very good. In fact, I've been stellar. I've avoided gluten with gusto. But, that warm smell of dancing carbs and that chocolate melting in the sea of pumpkin--it was just.too.much.

She handed me the warm piece of chocolate chip pumpkin bread. I think I might have shed a tear. I look at it with the most loving of eyes. For one millisecond, I questioned what I am doing....

Can I say that one millisecond might be giving it more time than it was?

I took a bite. I closed my eyes. I completely melted into the moment, just like those chocolate chips melted into the loaf.

That was the best gluten-laden product I have EVER eaten in my life. EVER.

I didn't care how long it took for our agency bread took. I was in another dimension.

I tried to eat it slowly but it was impossible. I tried to savor every morsel but it was like torture. My only goal became not shoving the entire piece into my mouth at one time.

Since going gluten-free, I've felt much better. My thyroid numbers improved and I stopped having my weird lower intestine pain. I stopped having headaches (besides the regular sinus headaches of which I'm okay with and understand). I thought about those things when taking the last bite of that orgasmic pumpkin bread. And, you know what?

It was worth EVERY.SINGLE.ISSUE that might pop up during the next 24 hours. Every single one.

When I finally opened my eyes and licked my fingers to ensure I had not missed one crumb, the baker lady laughed. She assured me that, too was often the reaction.

Suffice it to say, I woke up the next day with a headache. And, you know what? I smiled. SMILED. I smiled ear to ear. I've never smiled when having a headache but today it was like I was honoring that most indescribably delicious pumpkin bread. I knew I'd be back on the wagon today. I was all good with one cheat day in two years.

I totally owned that headache like a boss.

I'm back on the gluten-free wagon. I no longer have a headache and my body parts are just fine. I'll keep up my efforts to remain free of that most fabulous gluten. And, I'll remember that piece of warm chocolate chip pumpkin bread for the rest of my life.

Perhaps in two years I should go back and have another piece.

Perhaps in one year I should go back and have another piece--two years is a long time to go without a cheat day.

Perhaps I should politely decline the next time my boss sends me to a bread store.

Piss, I'll say yes again someday. But, this time I'll bring some butter. Just in case.
**********************************************








Sunday, October 08, 2017

Of Software Mirages and Indoor Dogs

Well, that was quite the duration of absence. Wish I could say I was on a remote island, soaking up sun on a white sand beach.

Alas, I've been busy--having an almost-as-wonderful time as-on-the-island--working on our electronic health record software.

I know you're jealous. 

I don't know much about making software but I do know that it has sucked up the majority of my time and energy. (The dogs suck up any remaining time and energy.) Weekends, holidays, mornings, evenings, all consumed by electronic health record development.

I'd like to say I see the finish line, but it's a moving target. Actually, it's like seeing a mirage. I refuse to let myself think things will be "done" once we go live on November 1st. That would be setting myself up. I see the end, mirage in the distance. Yet, I'd get there and there'd be no finish line. Although I'll have done all the original work, everything will need to be tweaked, fixed, added, removed. Then, there will be more to do.

I see a finish line in March next year, not in November. I hope that's not a mirage or a hallucination. Since that is at least four months away, I shall stay in the one-day-a-time mode until further notice.

Thankfully, the dogs are a great distraction. Unfortunately, they are not well-versed in home life. It's hard to learn to go outside when you're not used to being inside. Being outside means you can go whenever you want. You don't have to go on command. You just go. It's hard not to jump on the windows and screens and doors when you're a hunting dog and you see a squirrel five feet from you on the porch. That's your job--to catch the varmints. It's hard not to freak out about seeing your reflection in the stainless steel dishwasher when you've had to be careful of danger. It's definitely a challenge to remain calm when a "stranger" comes in the house.

So, in my free time last night, I bought a book on rescue dogs and read the entire thing in one sitting. I didn't learn anything new, per se--after all, training a dog is training a dog--but, training a rescue does have special consideration. I learned a lot about training a terrier, a hunting dog by nature. We haven't been challenging her enough--mind or body. So, I'll step up the game. Two walks a day and at least one training session somewhere in the middle. Games to keep her busy. As for the boodle, well I'll keep trying to get her to sit on command. I'm doing everything as described in the book but so far, her sitting is not sitting well with her.

As for the bodily fluids being excreted in the house, well.... that's a work in progress. I have tolerance for this. The poor wife does not. At least I pee and poop in the toilet.

Today, a Sunday, is no day of Sabbath. Tomorrow, a holiday, is no holiday. I'm salary, so it is what it is. I don't have to like it--I just have to do it. Thankfully, I will have to take breaks to work with the dogs. I'll figure out a way to get some ice cream injected into my body. I'll be outside at least a few times a day to get the dogs to poop and pee on command.

Never did I think I'd see a day when I'd be "writing" software. Never did I think I'd see a day when I couldn't teach a dog to sit. And, never did I think I'd see a day when a dog would scratch up a dishwasher because of a reflection.

No wonder I need ice cream. Please don't let that be a mirage.