Commandeering My Shopping Cart

Left: my creation regarding 45's refusal to shake a foreign-official-who-happens-to be-a woman's hand yesterday. Call this my healthy coping skill. Cheaper than staying drunk or having the FBI show up at my house.

A short political note: the local political calls have picked up in frequency. Why these people don't have to be on the "Do Not Call" list is beyond me. The people running for mayor of our town call more and more. I think I'll cast my vote for the one who calls the least.
Three magic words: 
NO. HOT. FLASHES.

I am incredibly pleased to report that the OTC Estroven (or whatever it is called--I'm too lazy to go get the box) has put an end to my repeated bursting into flames. Every once in awhile between 7-10 PM, I feel as if I might be starting the what-used-to-be inevitable, but it never develops into a full-fledged anything. I have a bottle of DIM waiting in the wings, just in case the Estroven stops being as effective as it is or if I learn that this stuff is bad for me.

It'd have to be pretty bad before I'd discontinue. Like, parts falling off or out of me. That'd do it.

Since I'm not having hot flashes 10-15 times a day anymore, I've been able to do everything without interruption or hatred for humankind. This means I can stay focused for extended lengths of time.... which means I can shop on Amazon without interruption. This is good and bad. My money man (yes, I have one of these now--a sure sign of the aging process) would tell me shopping on Amazon is bad and supports impulsive purchases. My brain tells me it is good because I do research, comparison shop and then make the purchase of which I was always going to make.

I'm not sure if I like my money man or not. I hate when people have my best interest at heart. He sure puts a damper on impulsive spending.

Money Man: Why do you have Amazon Prime?

Me: Because I use it all the time. Two day shipping, baby!

Money Man: Perhaps it is better not to have it--instead of immediate gratification with two day shipping, put purchases in the shopping cart and leave it there for a few days. If you still want it, go ahead. If not, delete it or leave it in the cart.

Me: [blank stare at Money Man] [I think to myself] Who is this spawn of the devil? 

Money man: Do you use Amazon Prime Video:?

Me: Yes! (I'm hoping this is the right answer. It's the honest answer but I'm not sure his motive for asking.)

Money man: Okay, that's good. It's worth the cost. You should keep it. I watch Amazon Prime Video all the time. Would you consider waiting before making purchases, thought? Do you really need to get your orders within two days?

Me: Ummmm. [I kinda-sorta nod yes, but I'm not very definitive.] "Hold the shopping cart," I say (which is just a statement, not a promise).

My money man makes me nervous. I have put my faith--and my accounts--into his hands. So far, he seems to be headed in the right direction. If he ever contradicts my beloved Suze Orman, I'm firing him. No one messes with my Suze.

Money man wants to put me on a budget, which is irritating, bordering on terrifying. After all, I already put money into savings, don't have any debt and don't make that many impulsive purchases. The reason he wants to do this (well, I suppose there are many reasons, none of which I like) is that my retirement fund leaves a lot to be desired. I already knew this--I didn't have to get a money man to tell me such obvious things. But, it is his job to point this out, whether I know it or not.

I want to tell my money man, "Listen, pal. I can't help it people like you started retirement savings right out of the womb. It took me a long time to get here. Respect your elder!"

Thank goodness he loves Doctor Who, lest I have to fire him.

My money man pointed out that I spent more money last month than I brought in. I look at the numbers and think, "huh." Yup, I did. I do not know how to explain why I still have money left if I spent more than I brought in, but the numbers show I still have money. I don't want to challenge him on this, as I'm afraid he'll make my budget that much worse. It's at this point I wish I had lied to him and low-balled my expenses. Ah, hindsight is foresight.

Thankfully, he has compassion and thus is agreeable to putting things like making charitable contributions, feeding the birds outside and even looking ahead if we want to get a dog. To do this, though I have to think about my spending.

Money Man: How often do you go out to eat?

Me: [I know he knows the answer. I gave him detailed data and it's right in front of him. I know what he's doing.] For lunch?

(Yes, I'm stalling. It's kind of like lying to God.)

Money Man: Per week.

Me: Um, well... probably three or four times a week for lunch. Probably twice a week for dinner. (I'm totally lying. I eat out more than that.)

Money Man: Would you consider eating out a few less times for lunch?

Me: Sure. (I hate this man. I begrudgingly acknowledge he is right.) I could bring my lunch two or three times a week instead of going out.

Money Man: And coffee?

Oh no. Those are fighting words.

Me: I only go to Dunkin' Donuts. I drink the cheap stuff.

Money Man: How much per month?

Me: Well, $30 in the month? That's not bad, considering how much Starbucks would cost me. (Yes, I'm justifying my habit. This is one small luxury I want to keep.)

My money man is wise enough to leave this topic alone. 

Money Man notices I haven't budgeted for things like clothes, taxes or insurance. Piss. I hate when that happens. I point out to him that I had to buy new tires for my car last month, so that is the kind of money I use to by clothes ore taxes. I stress how that is the reason for overspending my incoming money last month. It is then he starts on the purchase of a car.

Money Man: Do you plan on buying a car in the next few years?

Me: No.

Money Man: How long do you think you'll be driving your current car?

Me: Five more years. (I'm hoping this will buy me time to have money for more coffee.)

Money Man: What kind of car do you drive?

Me: A Honda.

Money Man: Great! That can run forever. (Shoo. My coffee is safe for the time being!)

I neglect to tell him I buy new license plates every year. I justify this to myself by saying it is cheaper to buy new plates than buy new cars. He'll figure it out once he looks at my budget. Lie of Omission, I will tell him politely.

Forward to today. I have purchases in my Amazon shopping cart. They are killing me, sitting in there. They've been there since last night. That's probably a record for me. I keep clicking on the shopping cart. Yup, the stuff is still there. I do research and then go back to the shopping cart.

Do I need it, I ask myself?

Can I stall on the purchases? Can I? Will I?

My shopping cart is crying. I hear it call my name.

What's that other sound? It's my money man, whispering on the wind, reminding me that two-day shipping and ordering a WANT, not a NEED is not in the budget. Want. Need. Want. Need. Want. Need....

He is trying to commandeer my shopping cart, the rat bastard! I weigh the pros and cons of having to explain to my money man why I made those purchases. I weigh the odds that he will even notice the money has been spent from my checking account. I consider if I will or won't click on the button to make the purchase.

I'll wait an hour. But, that's it. That shopping cart is mine.

Stay away from my coffee and shopping cart, Money Man. And, don't mess with the ice cream, either. I've got my eye and my two-day shipping on you. I'll give up the license plates if you give me the cart, coffee and ice cream.

Don't make me run you over with my shopping cart, Money Man. I've done worse. One hour. The clock starts now.

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