Gluten Hell

I've been writing this blog for ten years. Because it's been such a long duration, I can't remember all that I've written; so, I took a gander at my table of contents and the number of views per blog. I usually average about 40 views. Lame but great, nonetheless. I was considerably crushed to see that many blog entries, especially from the first year or two, have zero views. Zero! My poor beating heart.
I may try to resurrect some of those posts so they get at least one or two views. I may not. Only time and blogging will tell.

It's been a few weeks of trying to live "mostly" gluten free. I don't sweat the small stuff because I'm doing what I can while I learn more about the foods I should and should not eat. It's been tough. I don't know how those with Celiac's Disease do it. I have the luxury of making errors. They don't.

It's relatively expensive to eat gluten-free-vegetarian if you want to eat pre-made, packaged, oh-so-convenient foods. There are more choices than I could have imagined but you pay the price for convenience. I've quickly figured out that eating gluten-free at home is easiest if one makes an actual meal. Dang, I hate that.

I'm such the lady of convenience and chemicals. 

Thank god for corn tortillas and Quorn vegetarian fake-chicken tenders.

We went to a Packer game last weekend. In addition, I was at an out-of-town-with-no-car conference the same week. Both of these endeavors were excellent "practice fields" for living gluten-free. If I weren't a vegetarian, I would have been all right at Lambeau Field; after all, many meat products are gluten free and they have gluten free buns. Being that I am a vegetarian, I had one actual "meal" option....

....a baked potato.

I didn't want a baked potato but I was REALLY hungry and didn't want to live on popcorn, so a baked potato it was. It was a $9.00 baked potato. That's a lot of money for one spud. But, like I said, I was hungry. I probably would have paid $20 for that potato.

Have you ever tried to eat a baked potato while seated in the bleachers of a football game? I'm guessing not. It is quite the endeavor. Balancing said potato on the lap while trying to cut it with a fork (they had no knives) is entertaining, to say the least. It is tenuous in nature, teetering this way and that, the little paper "boat" not providing much leverage. The hell if I was going to drop one crumb of that $9.00 potato. I think I might have eaten some of the paper underneath the potato...that's how hard it was to cut the skin with a spoon.

I think paper is gluten-free, so what the hell. What's a little fiber?

As for the conference, I was smart and planned ahead. I wasn't driving, so I knew I wouldn't have a car to go out and buy meals (I hate not having a car, but what my boss says, I do...she drove, I rode shotgun.) I made some gluten-free-overstuffed peanut butter 'n' jelly sandwiches and stuffed them into my suitcase. I had one for each of the three days, just in case.

So, the first morning of the conference, my co-worker and I go to the conference area to score our free breakfast. I love breakfast and I never pass up the chance for free food and again, as always, I'm starving. I belly up to the breakfast line and see....gasp!

GLUTEN HELL.

I don't mean a plate or two of pastries and then some other choices...I mean ALL pastries, ALL the way down the banquet table. I've never seen some many danishes, bagels, donuts, muffins and gluten-bathed products in my life. I gasped audibly gasped and then exclaimed (much more loudly than I realized),

"Oh my god, this is gluten HELL!" 

A lady in line burst out laughing. I kid you not.

I thought that there had to be something other than these delicious, mouth-watering, begging-to-be consumed breakfast treats, so I kept moving in the line. There was one little, bitty plate of soggy fruit but that was it. I was on my own. I sighed and went back to my room, retrieving one of the PB & J sandwiches.

I am happy to report that I later got my very unanticipated revenge.

Banquet-style vegetarian lunches and dinners at conferences usually suck. When I say suck, I mean suck. I resigned myself to this fact long ago. Usually, they plop a plate of a sad pasta product with a blob of frozen veggie mix on the top in front of me. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, it's semi-real veggies, not a frozen mix. Every once in awhile I hit the jackpot and they serve some kind of rice or risotto product next to the sad pasta product (why so many carbs, I do not know).

The one thing these conference meals have in common: gluten. I don't think I've ever had a banquet style vegetarian meal that wouldn't qualify for placement in gluten hell, right next to those danishes. I was hoping I wouldn't have to eat another PB & J sandwich. I feared I would need to ration my rations.

Trust me when I say I just about licked the plate when eating my salad. One must eat what one can when the mystery meal has yet to unfold.

I watched with trepidation as the servers bustled through the tables. They meat eaters were served skinless chicken with some mystery gravy, potatoes and green beans. It didn't look great and as time passed I learned it wasn't very tasty. (Several people at my table only ate part of their chicken, noting that it was less than desirable.) Then, my plate arrived. The moment of truth swooped down upon me.....

I couldn't believe my eyes. Perched beautifully before me was a stuffed red pepper, roasted red potatoes and freshly prepared green beans. The pepper was stuffed with quinoa!

QUINOA!

I wanted to go to the kitchen and kiss the cook. This was by far the BEST conference vegetarian meal I have ever been served. EVER. Bonus that it was 100% gluten free. My peers looked at my plate in envy; in fact, one of the guys muttered how he should have ordered the vegetarian plate. I have NEVER heard anyone say that before.

Suffice it to say I ate every single morsel. I scooped up every last rolly polly of quinoa. The only downside to the meal was dessert: cake. I gave my cake to some stranger at our table. As I sat there, still in the glow of a post-fabulous meal, I looked across the table, only to see a very sad looking man. He must've realized I was wondering what was up, as he semi-smiled and me and muttered, "Nut allergy."

We were one in solidarity--those who must not eat the cake.

The rest of the trip required consumption of the PB & J and creativity when at restaurants. I ate a lot of....

...you guessed it....baked potatoes.

Life is full of gluten. Of this, I did not know. I salute those of you who must be gluten free. I am so very grateful that my food consumption is about preference, not demand, not of dire consequence. I recognize that going out to eat with friends when gluten free is much more difficult than finding vegetarian fare. I can eat just about anywhere as a vegetarian. But, that gluten-free life takes brain power and dedication. God love you, those surrounded by gluten hell....

I dedicate my next dozen baked potatoes to you. 
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