I woke up with vertigo this morning. It's a sinus thing. Due to the way the room is spinning, I keep leaning to the left...so, if my margins are cock-eyed, forgive me. A little Dramamine and Sudafed (the good, behind-the-counter kind) and a vat of coffee will cure me by the end of the blog.
The green ash remains standing, as the tree guy has yet to cut it down. This makes me happy, as it means more time to give the tree love. It's still hard to imagine cutting down a tree of which is not dead. I'm still keeping an eye out for a borer, as I want to see one in the "wild." I figure if you have the borer, you might as well see the borer.
We have another tree--a red bud--that IS dead. The wife bought it last year and had it professionally planted. It cost a pretty penny (I was going to say "an arm and a leg" but I think a tree would be more "a limb and a root") and so neither of us is very pleased that it is dead. Now, we're not arborists, by any means, but we're pretty sure we can tell if a tree is dead or not. No buds. No leaves. No green inside the branches....of which SNAP right off when bent.
The poor wife. She loves a beautiful-in-bloom red bud and has been waiting for spring ever since she had it planted last year. Forget red buds---the only thing growing on that tree is some moss. The guy who planted it is being a.....well, an ass. (I wanted to use more descriptive words but this is a family show). He's giving the wife quite the time. Oh, he admits there is a guarantee and that if there is no sign of life by now, it's probably dead but he's not exactly hurrying to do anything about it and he has been a condescending piece of poo to the wife. (Don't worry about her--she can handle a piece of poo. He has no idea what he is going to face if he doesn't knock it off.) Personally, I wish he'd just give us our money back and call it a day. I'd like to give our business to someone else. I'm giving him two weeks....if he doesn't take action by then, my Facebook page is gonna be all about him. Trust me, he doesn't want that. He'll have more than vertigo.
Instead of getting angry, I enjoy little scenerios in my head:
Me (standing in front of the very dead tree): "This tree is dead."
Asswipe Tree Man: "How do you know it's dead? It's too early to tell if it's dead."
Me (grabbing a branch from the dead tree and SNAPPING the whole thing off without effort): THIS is how I know it's dead.
Asswipe Tree Man: "We'll have to wait and see if it's dead."
Me--takes down Asswipe Tree man and inserts broken, dead branch in a place where the sun does not shine.
I feel better already.
I went to a professional training last week. My boss sent me and told me to learn what I could so I could come back and train the staff. To be honest, I didn't listen to her when she told me what kind of training it was and I didn't take time to read the email she forwarded me. I just looked at when and where I needed to be. I figured I could figure everything else out once I got there.
The training was held in Springfield, three hours due south.(It used to take four hours to get there but now it only takes three hours, thanks to 70 MPH speed limit and at least two lanes the entire drive. I was stunned at how quickly the drive passed.) I got to the conference with time to spare, so I took on a search for a Dunkin' Donuts (one must have priorities). Getting lost while searching for the lone Springfield DD gave me a beautiful view of the city--every red bud in town was in full bloom. (Thankfully, the wife did not have to see that--she would have cried.) ALL the trees were in their splendor, the grass was lush and green, the houses manicured, the roads paved in bricks. I don't know where I was but it was sure worth the lost minutes.
I'm not the kind of gal you want in your training. I keep my eyes open and I nod appropriately now and then, but beyond that.....I'm usually texting or reading emails or playing a game or perusing Facebook or eating a snack. I try not to be rude but there's only so long I can sit still and behave....
....That said....this training kept me completely engaged. Heck, I even turned my phone OFF. I have NEVER turned off my phone in a training. That's like giving up a first-born child. I took notes. I never zoned out. I never doodled or got distracted. The only thing I did that wasn't fully about the training was slurp on my DD coffee now and then. During lunch, I turned on my phone and sent my boss a "thank you text" for sending me to the training. Who does that? I'll tell you who--me, when I finally go to a training that is worth every penny and every minute. Such trainings are unfortunately few and far between.
The topic was of great interest to me, so that helped. But, it was the trainer who made the difference. This man should get a medal.
I was stunned when he walked into the room, as I recognized him from television. I'd seen him on CNN and talk shows and even a reality TV show. I looked at my program, looked at him, looked at my program. Dang, maybe I shoulda read the training information when my boss gave it to me.
Suffice it to say, I loved every minute of the training. For the past 48 hours, I have found myself spouting things from his presentation and thinking about things in his book. Even the wife can tell I truly enjoyed this training. I'm trying not to present like a high schooler who's come back all fired up in the name of Jesus after a retreat. There's nothing more obnoxious than that. Oh, how I clearly recall those days where the teens would come back all filled with Jesus. I'm so glad the Catholics didn't send their teens to School-Year Jesus Camp.
If you're interested, contact me and I'll bore you to tears with an incredibly passionate tirade on anosognosia. (How I love that word. Kudos to my agency for already knowing about this word. I felt like a brain surgeon already knowing this when he started talking about it.) Ann Knows--Sugg knows--She--ahhhhhhh. Say it with me. If you can't say it, that's okay. It's a fancy term for "lack of awareness" and is usually heard when discussing dementia or brain trauma. People with schizophrenia are full of anosognosia....which is why treatment can be so complex.
Maybe the Asswipe Tree Man has anosognosia and thus he doesn't recognize a dead tree when he sees one. "If a dead tree falls in the woods in front of an Asswipe Tree man, does he recognize the tree he planted is dead?"
I think not.
Let's call his issue "Asshole-No Life-Tree-oh-le-ahhhhhhhh." The only cure is to send him to Jesus Camp so he can learn that Jesus would give us a new tree because it's the right thing to do.
Jesus: Asswipe Tree man, why thou not giveth a new tree to those beloved women?
Asswipe Tree man: Um, Jesus--I know not if the tree is dead.
Jesus: That tree is not going to resurrect--Easter's long gone.
Asswipe Tree Man: Well, I....
Jesus: I, the giver of life, tell you that the tree is dead. Don't you dare start babbling how she didn't water it or she watered it too much or she didn't do this or that....get them a Me-dang tree. Now. The prayer says, "thy wood be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven." So, make it done, son. There ain't no dead trees in heaven.
Asswipe Tree man: I thought it was "thy will be done."
Jesus: Exactly. My will is a damn new tree. Don't just stand there. Start digging so my will be done.
And with that, a new tree swooped down upon us, with Asshole-no life-tree-oh-le-ahhhhhh spit upon and the tree of Life was planted on the Addiverse lawn.
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The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing which stands in their way. ~William Blake
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Asswipe tree man, don't let that dead tree be the thing that stands in our way.
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