Baby Jesus Church Drop

This church thing is sooooo putting a damper on my social life. I never wanted to be involved in a church thing but the baby Jesus must have thought it funny and so he dumped a church in my lap:

Baby Jesus: Hey you! You look like you'd like a church.

Me: Huh? Me?

Baby Jesus: Yeah, you! You're standing around doing nothing. I think you need a church.

Me:  Hey, wait a minute--are you the baby Jesus?

Baby Jesus: I am the Baby Jesus. Who did you expect?  I'm giving you a church.

Me: Well, I'm kinda busy. I have a full time job, two older-than-you dogs, a wife and...well, you know what I have. You're the baby Jesus. I really don't have time or interest in having a church.

Baby Jesus: I see you watching all of those Doctor Who episodes. Don't tell me you don't have time to run a church.'

Me: That's...um...stress reduction. Yes, stress reduction.

Baby Jesus: You don't have that much stress.

Me: I'll have stress if you give me a church. I'm not meant for a church. I'm not churchy.

Baby Jesus: You don't have to be churchy to have a church.

Me: I would think it'd help.

Baby Jesus: I think it helps NOT to be churchy if you're given a church.

Me: But, I don't know how to run a church. I don't WANT to know how to run a church.

Baby Jesus: I need a pinch hitter. You can pinch hit.

Me: Oh, I so don't want a church. No, no, no. No church.

Baby Jesus: Who's in charge around here?

Me: The wife. Definitely the wife.

Baby Jesus: I meant me.

Me: Oh, sorry. No offense.  [Think to self: he's wrong. The wife is definitely in charge.]

Baby Jesus: I heard that.

Me: [silence.]

Baby Jesus: The church doesn't have a spiritual leader right now. All you have to do is run the service and so forth.

Me: It's that "so forth" that worries me. What if I've got things other than "so forths" to do?

Baby Jesus: Like?

Me: Well, football! And, work. And staring lovingly at the wife.

Baby Jesus: You have plenty of time to do that. That's why they invented DVR, 24 hour sports channels and the Internet.

Me: Help me with my football picks?

Baby Jesus: I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask me that.

Me: It's not like running a church is a three hour a week commitment.

Baby Jesus: You don't see me sleeping on the job, do you?

Me: That's different. You're the Baby Jesus. You signed up for that gig.

Baby Jesus: Well, technically, I didn't.

Me: Mmmm. Point taken. But, the spiritual leader is a paid position, a job, a thing. Lots of responsibility that I don't want.I already have a full time job.

Baby Jesus: It's a temporary gig.

Me: A temporary for how long gig?

Baby Jesus: Until it's not a temporary gig.

Me: I don't see any money in this. That's a lot of time to do for no money.

Baby Jesus: Do it for me, then.

Me: That's so not fair.

Baby Jesus: That's how I roll.

Me: Well, I'm not falling for the whole guilt thing. I don't want a church.

Baby Jesus: [puts fingers in ears] I can't hear you. Did you say something?

Me: So, I have a church.

Baby Jesus: You have a church.

Me: I don't know how to run a church.

Baby Jesus: Oh, ye of little faith.

Me: See? I shouldn't have a church.

Baby Jesus: Just run the church. You'll have lots of help.

Me: Yes, I'll have tons of help but it's still a church, it's still unpaid and it's still more than three hours a week. It's already filling all my free time.

Baby Jesus: Think of it as tithing.

Me: Hmmmm. That's a thought.

Baby Jesus: That's why they pay me the big bucks.

Me: This church thing get me any more points in the long run?

Baby Jesus: Depends on what the long run is.

Me: You know--that place of which you reportedly dwell.

Baby Jesus: Doctor Who says there is no afterlife. It's all stories and folklore.

Me: True. So, I'm back to tithing.

Baby Jesus: I'd stick with that.

Me: [big ass sigh] So, I have a church.

Baby Jesus: You have a church,. Congratulations!

Me: YOU tell the wife. I'M not telling the wife.

Baby Jesus: Heck, no. That's your job. My job is to dump the church on you and run. I'm not telling her nuthin'.

Me: Great. Thanks for nothing.

Baby Jesus: You'll thank me later.

And so, I have a church in my lap. I really don't like it but it is what it is. I hate when that happens. I'll be a non-churchy church person.

This is SO going to ruin my reputation.
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